He won…

I had three children.  Okay, I guess I have three beautiful children, but i don’t know them much anymore.  I know their youth.  I don’t know their coming into adulthood.  The other night I wished myself away, and then the next morning I wondered why.  It was because I don’t see my treasures anymore, and then that creates a messed up mom whom they don’t want to see anymore because I text them wanting to see them, but I realized they really don’t want to see me.  But no matter what someday they will realize that all the pain of the divorce… the worst pain… was the breaking of the family.  I will never forgive myself for something I guess I did that made him love someone else and then take my kids away and not care.  I will always love him because I always did and had my children loving him.  Unconditional love is rare.  I’m rare.

OMG  maybe I am my mother.  That was dad’s song to her… see next post.

Thanks Dad

I didn’t think I had it in me to talk to you last night
About the pains I felt so long in places in my life
But I did and you heard
You listened to the words
You answered in your wisdom and didn’t shut me out
A quiet hour with you without one single shout
I love you daddy and as I said
You stood before the jury
A way better place to be….

I forgive you and myself for the things we did not right
But those who do not stand up to theirs will wither in the night….

It’s not a wish I have upon the ones who steal your heart
And happily smile at them as they break themselves apart
It’s just what I know it will happen…… someday somewhere
And truth be known when it does I do not want to be there….

It hurts not to hurt… but it hurts to hurt too

I miss my nephew.  I miss my childhood when I was three (cause after that I didn’t know who I was anymore).  I miss me.  I cried last night until about six thirty in the morning.  I looked at my picture when I was 9.  I wondered what I was thinking about then cried because I apologized to that child for becoming me.  I asked that picture looking into the distance what she wanted then….. and then.  I listened.  It was so simple.  Something she never got just unconditionally.  I read a post today.  She appears to have unconditional love with S.  I don’t know what that feels like.  Or I thought I didn’t.  Until I listened to that child inside of me.  That picture.  So posted the song she wanted hear until her “grandmother” version of her fell asleep.  Tell Lorrie I love her played over and over again until I fell asleep with the beauty of that child that was me.  I tried to connect but I look in the mirror and I’m old looking.  I didn’t do right by her.  Why?  Because I didn’t know that the most important thing in life is to love YOU.  Yourself.  That picture haunted me… stared at me… and I asked her what did I do wrong??? And it was all clear.  I didn’t love her enough.  HER.  me.

It’s weird too.  I know her beauty didn’t know that I never knew about it.  And here today I look at her and ask her forgiveness.  I’m so sorry Laurie that I didn’t take care of you.  I didn’t realize that knowing how to take care of you would make the difference in you.  “You took care of everyone else and forgot about me” was the voice that sounded.  And I was told that, but those people were the ones that were taking from me.  From my little Laurie.  Laurie, I truly am sorry.  If I could go back again I’d ask you what you wanted, and I’d know already.  You  just wanted to be loved unconditionally without fault.

Daddy, I think you should look at …. remember when?? I can yet can’t.