Another telling song… “where you go when you’re gone….”

My daughter chose this song for us to sing when we took singing lessons together when she was 10 and we had just begun a new journey. Her and me against a world I didn’t even know how to face. Not a good combination. I thought she picked it because when I listened to the words, it was interesting in that one line “so I can finally see where you go when you’re gone”. I was gone. All of a sudden the blinders were taken off of me and that feeling of being overwhelmed by what I was finally “seeing” was devastating. I made wrong decisions because I couldn’t figure out what good ones were. I wasn’t the mother I should have been. I’m not sure even what a mother is. I still don’t even after 22 years of being one. I just figure I am someone who messed up my children, who will be remembered that way, who messed herself up because nothing ever made sense to her. Where did I go when I was “gone”? I had no where to go. Sometimes to the bathroom, sometimes to the bottle. The pain and ache in my heart, the emotions were and still can be, overbearing. I still haven’t forgiven myself, even if my daughter tells me to. It’s not that simple.