Letter to my daughter tonight….

Did I ever send you the wordpress site I started and blog on?  Neat thing is I’m finding people like me.  And my writing is creative on it.  It’s weird.  It’s the first time I can write about my ED and the feelings I had going through it and I have so many hits on it I can’t believe it!  Obviously I’m not alone.  Lately there is someone who has contacted me.  She’s only 27.  I feel for her.  I understand her and she is a great writer.  She, unlike me, writes every day.  Maybe I should.
It’s one part of my life that I am free of.  And it’s emotionally freeing sharing that with others.  You may hate the past, but the past is you and who you become and what you chose to become.  But sometimes emotional imbalances put you places where you don’t want to be, but it’s so hard to find that hand that will lead you out of there.  Child, Youth, Adult, we are all subject to this possibility of reaching out when all around you is a fairy tale gone wrong in the worst way.  Some get through it faster than others.  My dad always said I was a turtle but that someday I would win the race.  I always remembered that.  So… your mom the turtle.  Her race is not based on money or things or anything but finding that place that I can call home.  Where I wake up and I’m happy because… JUST because.
I never regret marrying.  I don’t like the divorce thing, but I don’t regret my three children any day of my life.  When I feel upset, I know that if hadn’t met your dad on my 18th birthday celebration not one of the three of you would be here.  And so…. in a weird way, even through my yo yo times (keep writing yo you… is that a Freudian slip?? lol) you three are what makes me feel the most disappointed in myself and at the same time the most proud of the beautiful children I placed on this earth.  I know it sounds weird and it is a dichotomy, but it is what it is and what I think.  I hate that I have disappointed my children, my parents, and all those who saw me at the heighth of my being, and watched me go down.  But I really don’t feel down only though from the expectations of others.  If people around me stop expecting me to be who I am NOT…. I then can move on.  OK.. Mmmmooommmm stop!! stop thinking about what other people think!! ya… that’s what you are thinking.  You are right.  But unlike you I was brought up like a robot that was made to make other people happy.  Not me.  SO.  I am stopping to try to be something to others that they expect me to be.  I am going to be me.  Like it or lump it.  And as you said.  NO MORE SORRIES.  I am Laurie.
Your mother… who doesn’t feel like one… seriously…
But is.
NOT to my daughter but…
p.s. my mother bought me that book no joke!!  Keep trying to find it but can’t.  “Freudian” disappearance of a book?? not sure.

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