Where do they go when you go down?

It’s funny.  I have had great friends.  Absolutely wonderful friends.  Ones I thought would last forever… then suddenly your life flips upside down.  It’s like drowning, and during that time you are kind of drowning yourself.  You’re looking for that air, and that opening in an ice-covered water that you fell through.  You swim, you look for that hand to pull you out.  Strangely enough the hand is not that of the one or ones you thought.

Life is odd.  I always thought best friends and husbands are there because it is an “until death do you part, for better or for worse” and so on.  I could see the faltering of a marriage because I have been witness to it so many times, but I never thought it would expand to “best friend”.  I guess neither to sibling.  I guess, this world has really confused me.  Because all that I believed in was not.  Is not.

One of my best friends when I was 16 and went through the dieting bs we had to go through in our time, the packets of sugar twin hidden in our purses at school, then the learning about eating disorders, the constant talks about diets, keeping fit, and the years that passed with the same subject… is turning 50 today.  I turned 50 minus a-year in September.

We kept in touch through our marriage, were both in each other’s wedding parties, both wished each other happy birthday every year, spoke of our pregnancies and children and so on… until.  Until I left my husband.  Then suddenly it was over.  I still wish her a happy birthday every year, but nothing in return.  I suddenly felt like a leper.

Tonight I sent her another Happy Birthday wish.  She is on my FB but I will never hear from her.  Even through my most difficult times of divorce, losing my business… I never heard from her.  I did others I would never have expected.  I don’t hold it against her.  I am just flabbergasted that I grew up in a fairy tale world that continues to leave me stymied and confused and realizing that that a fairy tale is just one big lie.  That, as I keep saying, no one gave me a book on how to deal with all this, like a guide called  “How To Deal With Disappointments Regarding Fairy Tale Lies in Puberty and Adulthood”,  of how to deal with those who couldn’t reach out to you when you were drowning when you so desperately needed them to no matter how fucked up you got.  I thought unconditional was that.  That no matter, what you stay there…  a hand reach away…. NO MATTER WHAT.

I stay true to that part even though I realize some cannot grasp my fairy tale concept.  It is what I grew up on.  I loved the Princes in Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty and Snow White.  I admired Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White for their ever-loving kind ways (and loved the three fairies in Sleeping Beauty, the dwarves in Snow White and all mice and horses and all the animals in Cinderella because they were there for her no matter what).  I still believe.  Even in my lowest moments I still believe.  I believe there are kind people out there that even when you think “WTF?  This isn’t suppose to be the way all this goes” are there to tell you it’s all okay.  That everything will be okay.

It’s a weird concept to think of that now aging old adage “men may come and men may go, but friends forever stay” becomes replaced with “men and friends may come and go, but you’ll always find a place, in your heart and in your soul, remember when you take the toll, that somewhere out in there in your dreams and soul…. their hearts, their courage, their brain… will know let you know… the wisdom you gained from them will keep you sane, and you WILL find your way home.”

I have my circle of friends now, but I don’t let go of remembering the times when those “best friends” that let go were there in other times I needed them, even if they forget that I  am still there, that I, LA, will never not reach out my hand, no matter what.  That even if they didn’t reach out, I still will “till death do me part, for better or for worse”.

“Lest we forget”

Source of photo by hurtingharthurts9

One thought on “Where do they go when you go down?

  1. Reblogged this on BullimiAddict and commented:

    Just read this. I had emailed it to myself 5 years ago. There are errors in it, but I love the blog with its imperfections, as I have learned to love me with mine. Enjoy.

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