I watched a movie last night and a bit again this morning with Matthew Perry called Numb.  Interesting movie about Depersonalization.  I can’t quite grasp the whole concept of not knowing what is real or not, but there were several emotional characteristics I could associate with.   Somewhat like my Avoidant Personality Disorder, or even at times my paranoia and my OCD.  The need for my little “shack” where it’s the only place I really feel comfortable.  The thing is in Hudson’s case there was no known cure for this disorder he had.  It was like going in circles.  At least as a recovered Bulimic, on my journey to recovery there was always hope and the knowledge that I could overcome this when the time was right and I wanted to.  I, however, didn’t realize that it would take me 30 years to find that spot.  I had indeed “stopped” on several occasions – but the beast was still inside of me.  Today I can’t feel it there anymore.  Not at all.  I don’t have the trigger foods anymore.  I can actually have a chocolate bar or chips sit in my cupboard for months!  And when I do choose to have them, I only have a few to satisfy my craving, but I don’t like the thought of over indulging.  It takes away from the true pleasure of that taste.  One bite is enough to savour it, then put the rest away for when I have that desire for that taste again.  With chips that used to be one of my triggers, I can easily munch on five or ten and it satisfies me.  I guess what I’m saying is that food doesn’t frighten me anymore.  I don’t deny myself anymore.  I have, however, during my years of ED learned that I prefer a healthy salad for the most part then greasy foods.  It’s an actual preference.  I like the taste better, the way it doesn’t make me feel “weighed down” and my body has definitely adjusted to my healthier eating.  It doesn’t crave much of the other stuff anymore.  I love my own company, the company of my animals.  When I’m in the mood, the company of family and friends.  I don’t seek attention whatsoever.  I don’t feel numb anymore.

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