Dear Anderson Cooper… to your divorce and man-amony… I let go of my woman-amony just to find out??

After being divorced for almost ten years, I lost my business, after 60 resumes and who knows how many interviews, and selling everything I had left of value because my government wouldn’t help me because my rich ex husband put our children into private school, and it’s seen as “in kind support” I was left with one option only.  Go on the system to get on it long enough to go back to court for support from him.  ME a woman who let him off the hook for woman-amony can’t get off it because as far as our family law I am still “common law” attached to him because we had children together that HE chose to send to private school, which I appreciate, but it doesn’t put food on my table during my time of need, does it?  This man is not one you want to contend with, so my only right is to go through emotional turmoil again.  My four years going through the first divorce/settlement was hell enough on me and I still haven’t healed, I am on medication for severe anxiety.  I never healed, and my system is saying I have to go through this again???  There is more to this story, because this divorce involved family members and really hurt my children, however financially he was able to provide for them and I was thankful, but even if I chose for him not to have to financially support me, again I will say, our government won’t let me try to help myself without having to go up against this dragon again.  How fair is that???

Suicide

I hate this.  I hate the thought albeit I have thought it.  But my worse nightmare came along when I had two friends who ended it.  He didn’t right away although they had it all rehearsed from a book they bought at Coles on how to commit suicide.  Ya.  NO JOKE!!  I wouldn’t have know this if it wasn’t for the fact that HE survived all the while holding his dying wife.  I watched the Arsenic and Old Lace and thought the taste of almonds sounded better than what these two did.  But what do I know.  Even watching Jody Foster… interesting first movie she did… so brilliant, like the other night in the other movie when she was 30 years older, but so still brilliant.  From “Little girl who…” to “contact...”  If there was anyone I would love to be if I could choose it would be Jody Foster.  Weird yet now at 49 I remember always wanting to be her.

To my B and A friends, you know what I mean.  Jody NEVER advocated thinness… she was always true to herself.  Throughout her life.  Her personality in movies reflected her true self.  I wish I had her gumshin … her will… her strength.  I wish I could meet her.  She is my hero.

Beautifuk… is this a word?

NO JOKE this pic came up in google when I misspelled beautiful when I was text messaging a friend and it came up beautifuk.  Hummmm. so I googled.  Wow… is this not weird?  A bulimic’s dream (you can be taking laxatives and throw up at the same time – a harsh reality in the bulimic world).  Behold, the Beautifuk -l bathroom.  To you compliments of Trip Advisor.  Obviously tripped on their words.

Words… only words. Marriage and Divorce

Beautiful words you will never hear at a divorce: “My dear of 15 years, I loved you so much and had beautiful extensions of that love through our children. I am so sorry for us having grown apart, you were my best friend and somehow I stopped talking to you. You were a wonderful parent, this I cannot take away from you. Only my love for YOU do I take away as I walk away. But I will never forget how much you loved me, and I AM sorry for your still loving me, but I want you to know I will always care for our children, as I move forward in life. Thank you. Good bye”.

 

Ugly words you will usually hear in a divorce: “You bitch. Why did I love you? Actually I thought I did. Thanks for being the birth vessel to MY three children now extensions of my name. I am so happy for us having grown apart, you were never my best friend and I liked never talking to you. You were a horrible parent, this I cannot take away from you. Only my love for MY children and them do I take away from you as I walk away. But I will never forget how much you loved me, and I AM NOT sorry for your still loving me, because I always loved to see you suffer. Thank you for letting me watch you on life’s path of misery to you and prosperity to me. Good bye”.

 

With the latter comes depression, anxiety, the will to die, (however not suicidal, but God doesn’t answer those requests to go hang with him through your painful life).  Maybe God is right.  Live your hell on earth.  When you are done I will take you here.  And maybe He takes those He feels should not live this life on earth (hell) and takes them sooner so they can look upon us.  Ross, my dear nephew up sitting next to Jesus, do I have this right?  I miss you so much Ross.  I miss you sooooo much.

Here I Go Again

How do people on Welfare and ODSP get away without paying rent, which leads me to being kicked out because the landlord without his money can’t pay the bills??? ME the one who has sold all she has to pay my rent because my government won’t take care of me!! Now those who the government is helping won’t take care of me either, so to speak!! Here I go again!! Another move. Ugh. Where to this time Laurie??

Epiphany!! I was never supposed to be born!

So I was upset.  Mom hates me.  Now I know why!  I wasn’t supposed to be born!  She’s right.  I shouldn’t have been.  She was going through a depression…  so how did I come out of that?  Like seriously??  If my mother was going through this severe depression thingy and and and and… ya..  she apparently was wishing she was dead… how on God’s earth did I come into existence?? OMG… Am I trying to figure out why MOM hates me?  I don’t want to think about it.  I don’t even want to know why mom is so upset that I liked hanging around with guys once her ropes let me go and then accuses me to be like a man???  What does she want?  For me to be a lesbian?  Sorry I’m not.  I am so confused tonight so I’m writing for nothing.  Why is it that if you don’t have someone in your life you are automatically considered something? Or nothing?  Hey Mom, did you ever hear the word celibate?????

My Mother Hates Me!!

I didn’t realize how much she hated me until tonight.  Maybe it was something that bothered me all this time in my life.. But tonight I heard it.  I cried like a baby.  I really did.   Almost suffocated from crying.  I don’t know.  Now I feel numb other then my son.  My sunshine.  He called me because.  Just because.  And I was crying.  I asked him “please tell me you know I loved you and your sister and younger brother ’til death do me part??”.. He said yes.  I told him I never want him to think I didn’t love them so much that I wouldn’t take a bullet for him or his sister or his younger brother or even their father (he’s a good father).  But then there was the YUCK I had to bring up.  NO.  Not bulimic.  Words.  This part is harder.  Words sometimes are harder to bring up then food. I had to speak of why I left his father.  And the harsher words were “did I do the right thing?  Or did I hurt you, Should I have toughed it out like mom did (for different reasons, BTW)?”.

He told me that my mother was a wimp.  A story I don’t want to tell, but my son made it right by me.  He said I was stronger than my mother.

That meant the world to me.  It freed me.  My son.  The one that is the best story I ever told that still holds the top ranking on this site.  And now I know why.  He deserves it.  I love you baby… you, your sister and your younger brother.. the two you helped me raise in their first years of life.  I don’t think you will ever understand how much you mean to me.  TME.  Used to sign that to your dad’s letters… I was gifted you from this marriage.  And my other two that you touched, felt, and shared in that birth.  You are special.  In ways you’ll never know but your mommy sees…. God I love you.  Now I know why when you were the smurfy blue baby that somehow you survived.  It was my gift to me when you did and He gave you back to me to help me through… life… Screw your dad for saying I gave you death when I was so happy when you born and I said we gave you life…. because… still to this day, you give ME life.  As do the other two who were born thanks to you.  YOU ARE SPECIAL.  You about life, NOT death.  Ross would attest to that.  Prop on you two!!