No Wonder I Fell – Yes, FELL – Old And Ugly at 50

You know, sometimes I look at myself in the mirror when I’m alone and think “hey, you look okay for someone turning 50 in 6 months.” Then other days I feel flabby. What is the difference between these two feelings? Part of it is what I achieved in the day, the clothes I wear, the doing my hair and putting on some mascara just for me. But then some days, even starting off well, I then remember. I remember that I was the one that two men left for 5’2″ 10 year younger, no children had women. Going back out there is not even something I care to do.  Why?  Because away from  the presence of men I feel okay.  Not great lately because I’ve been too sedate, but the weather is exciting me to get out on my “Rollerblades” again and get fit rather than  sit.   Yes, I have Rollerblades.  Not just in-line skates.  Had them now for 19 years and I still love them.  Tried buying new twice, but always go back to my old faithfuls.  Wheels are wearing, but bearings are still great.  Better than any I have tried. (hummm, this could equate to my body.  Some parts great and others wearing. :))

But back to the 12-year-old figures and the perfectly dressed young 12 year olds…. sorry they are in their early 40’s now, but you know what I mean.  Particularly anyone who watched The First Wives Club.  I get comments like “you look great just the way you are” from these ex’s yet they are with perfectly attired, high-heeled little people who make them look grandiose.  I’m 5’9″.  That would put me equal to an amazon next to them.  I’ve had three children, and have the stretch marks and the stomach to prove it.  No matter how fit I get I still have that excess skin from the love of the birth of my children.  But men, for the most part, and some women, look to perfection in a body.  Afterall, my ex-husband bought his new little girl boobs.  My ex-boyfriend didn’t have too.  Her’s are already naturally large.  Mine, since the day they grew into me, have been saggy.  Good thing when you have kids, because they don’t change shape.  LOL… but men seem to like perky, so maybe part of the physical nature of them leaving me for the younger perks.  Perks.  There is another word I won’t elaborate on.  Or maybe I will.  Both ex’s used my finesse of telling them what makes a woman happy to woo and coo their new finds.  Not a joke!  Particularly X-H who wrote almost verbatim (I have the proof) what I told him would make me happy, when he asked that questions randomly.  I should have known.  His first mistress thought he was the most wonderful man in the world for knowing all this.  LOL… Ya right!  He’s continued his journey of pleasing with all the dreams I had for him and me that I told him about with his now 6 year common law wife.

First Wives Club.  Wish there was one here that I could join to talk about how low a self-esteem could go, how ugly one can feel, and how it’s not as easy as they think that you can just “come out of it” or “get over it”.  Worse yet is I have a tooth pulled.  Now I’ll be not only a redneck living in a barn in an isolated area, but a toothless wonder too.  Job can’t be had with a DUI and a Bankruptcy combined to boot as all companies do criminal checks and credit checks.  Yet, my DUI was a one time offense, a mistake, and my bankruptcy was from running a business for three years, paying all my taxes, and my employees before I paid myself.  Where am I now?  Severe anxiety issues, suspended from social assistance because the communication system sucks (try to get a hold of a support worker!! good luck! and they are the ones that end up cutting you off because you didn’t speak to them.  Have emails proving my attempts, but NO!! and all this the only way I could get back on assistance in the first place – they want me to go back to Goliath to fight for spousal support again.  YIKES… more severe anxiety!!!)

I will reiterate my frustration hearing of people who don’t even have status in Canada getting OSAP three times running and not paying it back.  How does that happen?  Or the ones out there popping out babies just so that they can get more money for child tax credits to live on, whilst nothing goes to the children but their basic needs.  And most never paid the 30 years of taxes into the system that I did!!!

Reunion - wish I had close First Wives to reunite with.

Or multi-millionaire ex-husbands who on I worked with for 10 years in the beginning of the business to help him and doesn’t care about the woman who gave him three beautiful children, cared for them when he was away for 3 months at a time with no contact number (sometimes because he was somewhere “on business” with another woman), and my children feeling that I have no right to their money.  I taught him accounting, about the power of the internet, of the power of connecting with past friends, of the love for children.  All for what?  A man who didn’t like to touch me, who didn’t like to be with me, and in the end, I became him.  I didn’t want to touch him, nor be with him.  And so… he found someone else.  Growing apart.  But if I meant anything to him, like he did to me with his first affair when I asked to go to counseling, don’t you think he would have fought for me?  No.

Okay, that is enough for now.  I don’t think I want to go on.  Just a rant and rave and a feeling that no matter what I know I will get through this, but boy would I like my government to help me do that.  And employers understanding the scope of why I am here, and proud of being here, and just give me a chance!!

In so saying, been helping a friend with advertising, website design, SEO stuff, and keeping my mind busy that way.  No pay, but at least I’m not vegging.  Spend my time though too often sitting.  Spring is here… I’m going to spring out of my chair tomorrow and this weekend and enjoy it.  Even if it is just with Me, Myself, and Bullimiaddict (no not bulimia… ME in my name here.)

Nite All!!

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