Long Time of Lows

I mentioned earlier in one of my posts that I cried a lot over the past few days.  A lot.  I suppose some people cleanse with diets, mine seem to come with tears.  Tears for everything I have done wrong to others, to my children, to myself.  Tears of awareness.  I sometimes feel as though when these lows are happening I will never pull through.  Then suddenly it’s like my last post.  An Epiphany!!  A realization that this is what I needed to do to mourn my frustrations and anger, pain, sorrow.  During the time of mourning it becomes so real and so required to face up to.  After 10 days of mourning, I feel better.  Maybe because I wrote it out, maybe because of my angry friend, maybe because of the music I have been listening to that is empowering rather than depressing.  Maybe… because in my last post I realized for once I didn’t go back to my eating disorder for answers, but rather chose to write.  Maybe, just maybe, I needed to do this.  Cleansing my soul of whatever was disturbing its peace.  I am sure I will go through more.  I didn’t allow my spirit to feel for so many years that it now comes out in not just waves, but title-waves.

I realized too that I don’t have an answer to anything that becomes the consequence of my choices or behaviour.  All I know is that I love me such that the only way to get over the criticisms, the judgements, etc. is to make sure I look in that mirror every morning.

Found a funny today on Facebook.  It was about wanting to kiss someone so much that the pressure of the kiss broke the mirror.

Don’t let others make you feel weak, old, ugly, stupid, crazy… etc.  Their words can be like swords… but then you have to go straight to that mirror and kiss the one who loves you most… you.  And then it all becomes okay.

I forgot about myself over the past few days and focussed on others again, like I’m good at doing… Saw their pain, frustration, anger… and took it all in.  Took me 10 days to cry them all out.  I don’t want to do that again.  It’s painful.  I don’t want to shut them out, but what I do want to do is remember… and I’ll say it again… to kiss that beautiful woman in the mirror every morning and tell her she is beautiful and will be with me ’til death do me part.


3 thoughts on “Long Time of Lows

  1. Gel says:

    Just found your blog. I can relate to a lot of this post. I’m 53 years old and have had bulimia for 21 years and abused alcohol for 11 or those years. This year i’ve made huge progress with longer stretches of abstinence (and have been sober for 6 years). My life lately has been really difficult now that i’m trying to live with a lot of mental chaos and emotions. But i feel lucky to be gettting free of the eating disorder finally.
    I look forward to reading more of your blog.

    • Dear Gel,
      Thank you so much for this post. I am going to be setting up a category here for “geriatric bulimics and anorexics”. I really mean it. You are the first person in their 50’s that I have heard from and it feels great to know that I know I’m not wrong in saying we are not alone! I believe there are two forgotten groups – men and older women – and I mean older as in 45 and up. I’m hoping I can reach out to those who are out there. I have been free for three years of my bulimia. I had had a 3 year break before, but after my third child, started again. Stopped again for two, then went through a divorce and started again. It’s different this time. Although I’ve gained 10 pounds, and not too happy about that, not because of how I look but because I can’t afford new clothes (I lost everything after my divorce. Not only my job, but then invested in a company and it went under, so I’m literally poor while my ex is a multi-millionaire with a younger woman… (part of the reason for the divorce). I am happy though! I don’t need a lot to be happy and I can pack up and go anytime I want because I have so few belongings now. I live in a small bachelor in the country and my neighbours are great, and I even get to borrow their snowmobile, or their four wheeler and I have just country trails in the back for my dogs. I work out regularly, eat well. My only thing is I’d like to cut down on my smoking. I’m now a certified handwriting analyst, and working on my Mastery in Handwriting. I keep busy, although any interviews I’ve had for jobs… I’m too old. They don’t say it, but you just know. So I’m going to be working on my business of handwriting and helping others through grapho-therapy, primarily people with eating disorders. All in all I’m getting my life together. Do I go through rough times? Yes. Not with eating, but with emotional issues, such as my two younger children refusing to see me (one embarrassed about my lifestyle, the other feeling I was a bad mother. I regret things I have done in the past and working really hard on forgiving myself and remembering the good when the bad is blatantly staring me in the face from something that reminds me of what I did wrong. I can’t go back. I can’t make things better for the past. I do know I have to make things better for ME! At the end of the road, I’m the one who will be with me when I go. For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, ’til death do me part. So I have to make sure before that end comes that I have come to terms with what was, to balance the good I have done with the bad and then let it go. This is a process I am going through now. Maybe we could communicate and help each other through our rough times. Without bulimia there is no other solution than resolve. There is no more hiding behind the eating disorder for me. I have to own up and face what is.

      Congratulations is in order by the way! Sober 6 years is awesome! I do like my glass or two of wine (part of the excess weight I have… sugar), but there are things I don’t want to give up yet. Smoking would be my first choice. With this I leave you. I’m here whenever you need me. 🙂

      • Gel says:

        Thanks for the fulsome reply. It’s good to hear more about your life, yourself. You sound like you are in a really healthy place in your soul. When I started reading blogs by people who are in recovery or who sincerely want to be….I was really wanting to connect with others in the same situation. It’s been so wonderful to find people who I can talk to openly about my eating disorder and to hear how they are doing. I think it has been one of the main things that has helped me to let go of the eating disorder. I could really relate to this line of yours: ” Do I go through rough times? Yes. Not with eating, but with emotional issues”. I’m at a place where i don’t want to turn to the bulimia behavior anymore, and yet I feel so chaotic and overwhelmed with my mind and my emotions and physical issues too. ….Oh I guess I just wrote that in the first comment HaHaha!!….well right now I’m in the midst of a bad cold and I’m not thinking very clearly so I’ll just close now.

        A blog for older people would be really interesting. Let me know if you get that going.

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