Where you go when you’re gone

I wrote about this song before but somehow it keeps coming back.  There was a time where someone would ask me that.  I couldn’t tell them it was in my food.  Eating my emotions.  Somehow forgetting what I didn’t want to remember by eating them.  I don’t like to believe in karma, as I am Christian, yet somehow I sometimes feel it isn’t too building_wallsfar from the truth.  At least not with me.

My beautiful daughter is suffering emotional pain.  Now that I’m not hiding behind my emotions I see her pain, feel her pain.  Sometimes it’s overwhelming.  I remember the thoughts she has that I had too.  But I ate them then threw them up.

The other day she reached out for help.  I never did.  I’m proud of her, but yet fear that I don’t know how to help her.  I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do.

I thought at one time it was my fault that she’s going through her depression.  But now I know that it’s not me.  I might have been a part of it, but I’m not all of it.  I only wish I knew where she goes when she’s gone… emotionally.  When she comes out and cries, she still hides.  There’s is a piece of the puzzle I can’t find.

Can anyone give me a glimpse of what a 20 year old is going through that might cause so much emotional pain?  Please share.  Maybe with the answers I can find the answer of how to reach inside… go beyond her wall.

Beautiful post: http://rainbowjenn.blogspot.ca/2010/08/emotional-wall.html

I wish I had realized how Beautiful i was before I got old.

I really have no more comment than that!  I didn’t appreciate my youth and was too involved with an eating disorder to realize how beautiful I was.  Now, I am older, wrinkled, bad teeth so I hate smiling.  Divorced and not likely to find another man I could love the way I loved the first love of my life.  So to anyone reading this who is young… don’t let your life end up like mine.  I am recovered… but recovered too late.  But hey… still love my dogs and cats, so not totally alone.

Those were the days my friend…

marilyn-monroe-car-model Marilyn-Monroe-new-2012-black-and-white-wallpapers-4

Those were the days my friend, we thought they’d never end we’d sing and laugh forever and a day, we weren’t obsessed with weight, and we believed in fate, for we were young and surely had our way…. We lived the life we chose and didn’t care to lose, for we were young and surely had our way!

For slimmer or for “larger” a beautiful woman who lost her life way too early!!

Jessica Simpson the new Marilyn Monroe? Wouldn’t that be amazing? Beautiful Normal.

I wasn’t sure what to think of Jessica Simpson when she was doing those shows and showing off her skinny body in tiny bikinis.  I kept wondering if life was ever going to Jessica Simpson Goes For Lunch With Eric Johnsonchange in the world of media.  Truth be known, it hasn’t, but there is this woman who is willing to actually make a difference.  Her latest comment about her weight not mattering as long as the one she is with still finds her attractive and loves her was a perfectly perfect comment for the young and older women today.  I have to say that Tyra Banks on Rachel Ray (two more of my most favorite people) said that you should celebrate your muffin tops and there are all kinds.  They even had a muffin tray to portray them.  Tyra said hers were chocolate muffin tops.  I laughed watching this.  At 50, I have those.  I work out, but my hormones changing make it difficult to get rid of them unless I was a body builder, and at this point in my life, I don’t want to give up the things that make me happy, and one of those is my glass of wine at night.  Sugar.  The second is my small bowl of chips.  I will not give up what I enjoy at this stage in my life.  As far as I’m concerned, as long as I can stay healthy, and happy, who cares if there is a bit of a muffin top, or sagging growing boobs from the increase in my hormonal changes and estrogen.  It happens.

But back to Jessica.  I am proud of this young lady and to me she is absolutely beautiful.  She is open, honest, and I dislike (I would use hate, but I’ve been told it’s too strong of a word, however having gone through 30 years with an eating disorder, I might have the right) that people are making fun of her for her weight increase.  What I admire is that she still shows up on television, and has the strength to say “I’m happy”.  She admits on her Weight Watchers advertisement that she was always obsessed with her weight.  What I love is that she is portraying someone who is accepting of her weight, of her life, and of the fact that it’s really not the weight that matters, but the one you love who loves you back no matter what, and still finds you sexy.  Good for her.

When Jessica had lost some of her weight and did the advertisement, all I could think about is that I wish she could stay that weight – perfectly Marilyn Monroe.  Sexy and beautiful.  She has the ability to create a new look.  She’s been the jessica-simpson“smaller” person, but now is the epidemy of natural sexyness.  I’ll say it again – Marilyn Monroe.  This to me is one of the biggest compliments I can give her.  I’m hoping that she remains a nice size, but unfortunately I have my doubts.  Hollywood will not allow for anyone to be lesser than the skinny they expect.  But maybe, just maybe, Jessica will pull through and turn this crazy cycle of skinny into beautiful normal.

Sometimes I wish I could bring on Amnesia

Did you ever want to forget a portion of your life?  I know I do.  I wish I could erase the past 32 years of my life, wake up and say “hummm, this is different, but I guess I can live with it”.  I would get to meet my children for the first time in my life and be thrilled without remembering what I might have put them through.  I could forget I was married andAmnesia meet my ex-husband for the first time with no remembory of him at all!  I would have wiped out all the yucky parts of my life!  But then again, I would also wipe out the great parts of my life.  The time I fell in love with my husband, the times I fell in love with my children.

Okay, so maybe if I could be selective in my amnesia?  I would take it.  I would take the selection of all the times I felt bad for the hurt I put onto others and to myself.  I would not have to worry about forgiving because I wouldn’t remember anything.  Even if someone told me something I did, I wouldn’t be able to feel the pain because I wouldn’t remember it, but I could ask for forgiveness and say I’m sorry, without the dagger in the heart.

I would only remember the good and be able to reference those to the ones that come at me with the hurt.  I could remind them of the good times we had that they forgot about through their own pain.  I could focus on all that only and only that.  What a beautiful thought.