Forgiving Self

Perhaps the most difficult thing is to forgive yourself.  Although I have done much of self-forgiveness, lately there have been memories running through my head that haunt regret3me.  Some I have already blogged.  I know people tell you to not look back and keep looking forward, but the odd time one of your children or a sister or a parent remind you of your mistakes it comes back.  I guess going through menopause doesn’t help.  They say it’s a time of reflection.  Unfortunately some of the reflection I have is one I don’t want to see in the mirror.  I have my good days, and my bad days.  I’m trying hard to overcome the bad ones.  When I feel bad I look in the mirror and keep telling myself how much I love myself, how much I mean to me, and how we are in this for the long haul, however long there is left.  Some days even inspirational quotes bring me down because I can’t relate to them.  Then other days I can.  If I could be selfish enough just to think of myself, maybe I wouldn’t go through the peaks and valleys I do.

My escape is in writing.  It’s how I can communicate best the feelings I have.  This site has been an inspiration to me.  It’s been a place I can come and let go and share, and once I do, quite often I feel better.  I have time enough to think about the great things in life, rather than what was.

I loved my husband very much.  I dream of him still, some are rather a nightmare of him asking me to go back to him, how much he loves me, but always another woman in the background.  I want to, but I can’t.  I feel the love still in those dreams though and waking up to that is not a good feeling.

I also still love my ex-boyfriend, regardless of the havoc he wreaks on my life sometimes.  He’s like a teenager with all the drama he creates.  Yet, we have the best times Regrettogether.  We share the same passions of automobiles, of getting out and going on great adventures, of living a very simple life.  We still share all that, even as ex’s and it’s the first time I realized that a past relationship can be like those on TV like Reba or the New Adventures of Old Christine, where they actually get along better with their ex once they are no longer together.  Best friends.

I only hope that by the time my life reaches its end that I can have resolved my regrets and have built this new life into one that I can look at it and say “yes, this is where I belonged in the end”.  I just don’t ever want to die with my regrets in life.

I can’t find one of my best friends.  She disappeared a year ago and I can’t locate her.  Kind of funny considering I’m a private investigator.  But I look at it this way – I have a friend I was not in touch with for 10 years back in my life.  The old adage of “where one door closes, another opens”… but having said that I will not stop searching for my dear friend that I lost touch with.  Why this random paragraph?  It’s not at all.  One thing I can say is that with all the regrets I have, I never regretted the friends I chose.  And that is a big part of my life, of the laughter, the joy I had in my life without regret.

I am 50.  I have gone through too many years of not focussing on self-realization, of living in a state of numbness, followed by one of emotion.  It’s time for balance.  It’s time.

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