Where you go when you’re gone

I wrote about this song before but somehow it keeps coming back.  There was a time where someone would ask me that.  I couldn’t tell them it was in my food.  Eating my emotions.  Somehow forgetting what I didn’t want to remember by eating them.  I don’t like to believe in karma, as I am Christian, yet somehow I sometimes feel it isn’t too building_wallsfar from the truth.  At least not with me.

My beautiful daughter is suffering emotional pain.  Now that I’m not hiding behind my emotions I see her pain, feel her pain.  Sometimes it’s overwhelming.  I remember the thoughts she has that I had too.  But I ate them then threw them up.

The other day she reached out for help.  I never did.  I’m proud of her, but yet fear that I don’t know how to help her.  I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do.

I thought at one time it was my fault that she’s going through her depression.  But now I know that it’s not me.  I might have been a part of it, but I’m not all of it.  I only wish I knew where she goes when she’s gone… emotionally.  When she comes out and cries, she still hides.  There’s is a piece of the puzzle I can’t find.

Can anyone give me a glimpse of what a 20 year old is going through that might cause so much emotional pain?  Please share.  Maybe with the answers I can find the answer of how to reach inside… go beyond her wall.

Beautiful post: http://rainbowjenn.blogspot.ca/2010/08/emotional-wall.html

5 thoughts on “Where you go when you’re gone

  1. Gel says:

    I don’t know the answer to your question. But I feel that if there is a wall in your daughter, then maybe you should not try to reach through it or to fix it. Maybe it is best to let her know that you care and that you are available and want to help. But it’s her process. I could be wrong and maybe there are times for intervention, or maybe some people want to be intervened on. so this is only my opinion that people bloom and open up when they feel safe enough, and not so much when people try to get them to open up.

    I am not a mother. So I don’t know what you feel. It must be hard to stand by when your child suffers. But I think you are right that you are not the primary source of her pain or struggles. Even people who grow up with the most wise and healthy parenting still have struggles. God must see the wisdom in letting us struggle, since that is how we grow.
    You seem like a wonderful mom. I bet your daughter will greatly benefit from your loving presence.

    • Wise words. Thank you. Had her here with me today. I listened, I cried, I could only tell her I know what she is feeling. I experienced it all. But that still doesn’t take away the hurt, because I know the feeling, and I numbed it. It’s my saying. It hurts not to hurt, but even more so… when released from the eating disorder – it hurts to hurt. But I am alive and feel again, and so I wouldn’t change this for my life. I like that she sees I can feel, love and hurt with her. Something I couldn’t do for a long time. I asked her if she could play fun music when feeling down. It’s my new “drug”. Music. No food. But she said she can’t. She can’t feel the music anymore. So different then when she was living with me and it’s all I heard! And it always lifted me up. Apparently her depression started two years after she left me and went to live with her father. I asked her what happened. She can’t pin point it. She said she started to feel it and it just kept getting worse. I kept busy writing, drawing, painting, and well had other methods of escaping (including my bulimia), but she said she has no desire to do anything. I can completely understand her. I just can’t seem to make her understand that I do… She’s not all that different from me. I love her SO much. I feel her pain. But I need to keep strong and so… my 80’s dance music lifts me up and keeps me strong. Can you believe it? I dance to the music and sing to it like no one is watching… and no one is, but if they were I wouldn’t care. 🙂 Dancing – upbeat music has been and is a bit part of my life. I don’t have anyone to dance with… WAIT… I do. I dance with myself. 🙂

    • Gel I have another question. Her father and his wife want to put my daughter in the hospital. Do you think this is wise? I know my parents just made sure I got more involved in sports and things I loved to do. I’m a little concerned about her being in a spych ward! I don’t know that it would do her any service. She bought a car and it needs work. I think my dad is right. I think getting it prepped for her to work on it like she was doing this past summer and enjoying it might be a project that will veer her away from thinking about her depression. ??

      • Gel says:

        Gosh I don’t know….more questions come up in me when you say they want to put her in the hospital. How old is she? is she a minor? What does she think about her situation? Has she been to a regular doctor yet?

        I guess I’d have lots of these types of questions before I’d have an opinion for you, your daughter. But for myself I’d be REALLY careful about what the hospital was like before I’d be willing to go into one. I’d also be looking at alternatives, like support groups or even less mainstream types of healing. I know there are some good doctors and I know sometimes for some people medication can be just the right thing BUT I also think there are a lot of crap doctors and weird models of what mental health is.

        I’m going to give you a link to a sight by a woman who had been on psychiatric meds for a long time and got off them. She created this site as a resource for people wanting to get off meds. There are a lot of different perspectives on mental health. Just something to consider, Check out the side bar:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s