My nephew passed away five years ago on June 16th. Cancer. He so wanted to live to see his two sons grow up. Unfortunately fate did not allow this to happen. What little we understand of death until it faces us eye to eye. Eating disorders are a choice towards destruction. Cancer is not a choice. My sweet nephew thank you for opening up my eyes to how fortunate I have been. Life is so unfair. But I want you to know I’m taking care of myself best I can and better everyday, with my first big step being two and a half years free of bulimia. I had the choice to let it go. You didn’t. I miss you.
It’s not often you see something in nature that is something you have never seen and reminds you of who you are. This dragon fly did. Maybe because I feel like the odd one, the ‘black sheep’ of the family who does not really belong. I still don’t feel like I belong. I never did. Not out there. But I do in my own place and with my animals and what surrounds me inside. I still feel when I’m out there I just don’t. I can’t seem to integrate no matter how much I want to. One friend I’ve known since 11 yes. My friend I met in 2010 yes. My children getting there. Otherwise no. But here on this posting I do. Those black wings are not black within me but turn into rainbow colors. But the freedom of flying is always in my soul. It is what I love about myself. I am always learning about new things by flying around from here to there. Others may only see the black wing. But I see the rainbow ones. 🙂
And time spent feeling guilty when you finally open your eyes to all the beauty and love around you. Even if it’s just your pet. Love is miraculous and so too is self forgiveness. No time is wasted when you learn the lesson let go and move on. Time is wasted when you can’t figure it out when it stares you in the face.
I know the remembery of a time of any song played. The emotions I felt, where I lived, those close to me during the sound of the beat, the words that were and are sung, music. If I were a teacher I would teach through music with words all that needed to be taught. Because we remember lyrics to music so easily. Maybe even so I would create a ballot that would have all of us sing to who we are, not what we are! And a smile will come upon all our faces knowing… That we can thank music for being there, not when no one else was, but when every one is, be it in mind, body or soul. 😉
How not to binge…
An old piece of wood was chopped and inside the most beautiful art. I took this picture realizing that what is on the outside can never truly show the beauty of the inside. The beauty and art. Sadly this wood piece was burned, but not before I made it immortal in my mind and in this photo. I felt a connection to this beauty because I have finally seen what is within me even if others don’t. I will no doubt some day end up like these two pieces of wood, but I hope before my end others will have seen what was inside of me as I have…. in myself. This could be my parable… That I too had to be split apart before I realized the beauty within that I forgot was so much more valuable then the outside.