I Want To Be Me Again

I am afraid. I am realizing since I have become employed again rather than having my own business that all the things I loved to do are lost and most likely because I am lost. I don’t feel the passion anymore. I don’t feel, not only like myself anymore, but can’t feel me! It’s like I am only living to survive. Not because of all the things I know are out there so much more beautiful then the act of surviving.

The Past, The Present, The Future?


This was the school I attended from the age of 7 to 11. It is Notre Dame De Sion in Istanbul, Turkey. My father was moved there from my home of Montreal, Quebec. I left all my best friends. Made some there, was moved again, and then again and again and again. Got married and moved again. I have moved a total of 23 times and have worked either as an employee or contractor for over 50 different companies. May be more by now. I have my list. And so many different markets from corporate to self-employed, to entrepreneurs and so many industries! So today I thought “why not write about every industry you have ever been involved in. I may even end up in the Book of World Records.”

So what is this about? What has my past painted in regards to a portrait of who I am? What is it that I learned from that portrait in the present, and what do I want from the results, and finally, at 50, is living for the present more important than living in regret of the past and fear of the future.

I know the answer but my subconscious mind still plays games. And most often at night in my dreams… And more often nightmares.

The answer is becoming more clear in the numbness of my jobs, meaning the realization of no excitement of possibilities, not of tomorrow, but of today. My only excitement is that instead of not spending my money on food that I might throw up, is instead putting a said amount in the bank!

All good for having learned to do that, but what am I doing waking up every morning wondering why I can’t find that one thing that makes me really truly happy, and not due to money and a paycheck, something that really wants me to wake up?

I don’t throw up anymore, but the stress of not knowing who I am and who I want to be at 50 freaks me out. Anyone else out there feel the same?

The past, the present, the future matter, but really, where do I really want to be today to make me smile every time God allows me to wake up on this earth?