Sucks to be me.  I had an episode tonight that I’ve never had before.  I woke up not able to breathe.  Seriously could not breathe.  Then when I finally coughed it burnt.  I had the worse episode of heart burn and maybe, just maybe shouldn’t have had that last snack.  Smoked muscles.  Dad loved them and me too, but at night after 12 hours of working, and a very tough day and stress, and being 51, not a good combination.  I was afraid so called my neighbour (you know, my ex boyfriend, best friend who comes over to visit all the time) and he didn’t answer.  So I went over, which I rarely do, but thought, I’m freaked out and it’s a Wednesday and his married girlfriend is usually only there on weekends, and when he didn’t open the door, I walked in, like he does at my place.  HORROR… SHE WAS THERE!! and like a rabid dog started screaming at me.  I told her I just needed an antacid and she told me to go die.  She accused me of knowing she was there.  YA RIGHT.  Who would want to get near that little thing if you knew she was there!! She is vicious!!

Now, I know sounds weird but I walked out feeling guilty.  WHY?  And he looked sheepish as all hell, which he should.  Like the other story, didn’t even show any remorse or care that I swear tonight I thought I was going to die.  But all that seemed like nothing.  And suddenly that “best friend” showed his true colours.  She owns him for some reason.  A true friend would have stood up and said “hey!! cut it out”.  I turned away, walked out and couldn’t even cry.  I just decided not to sleep tonight.  I don’t want this to happen again to me, and I have no one around to help me.  My dogs sure won’t!  But they seemed pretty spooked.  At least I have my dogs. 🙂  Feeling a bit better, but still even after finding some antacids buried in a purse, still not at all going to sleep.

It’s not that any of this matters much, but I will say that I do believe that this stupid reflux stuff came from my previous years of being stupid and bulimic.  Now I have to suffer the consequences.  But I should not have had to suffer the one of the rabid dog tonight along with it.

He stole my Mr. Clean How Pathetic is that???

I can’t believe it. My best friend, ex boyfriend, is quickly becoming my biggest wart on my brain.  Seriously.  No really seriously.  I have a rule.  I buy ONLY Mr. Clean. No knock offs. I put it in a certain place. Tonight an empty bottle of a stupid knock off was at the same place.  Then he shows me a bill of buying Mr. Clean. Joke.

Okay, so here is the story.  My ex will never change, like my ex husband.  I had a visit tonight from my  son. He threw rocks while talking to me about anger management.  And here I am trying to deal with stolen Mr. Clean and angry too.  Anger management.  Is it really about us? or is it about what is AROUND us that no one taught us how to deal with.  Okay, I talk about my ex’s but so too I deal with customer service and every day I spend with frustrated people.

Hummm. How do I explain to my children why I live these lives.  Personal and business with constant bantering about how many are not happy and take it out on you?  I come home happy.  I don’t mind hearing anymore other’s frustrations personal or business because I am guilty of having talked too much to the annoyance of others.  Funny thing is having taped my own conversations with others I don’t know how they actually listen that long to my dissertations of my journey to being okay.  Seriously why can’t I just SHUT UP!! I’ll tell you why. The calls I get is because they want to talk. But they don’t and I get nervous.  I get nervous… Ugh… I talk too much and stupid because I don’t even know what to say.  And then at the end of the conversation I go to sleep and have nightmares, and wake up feeling stupid…. all because someone called me because they needed to talk… sat in silence… and then I became “gabby”.

My dad’s nickname was “Gabby”.  Wonder if it was all because of that.  Not knowing how to respond, getting nervous, and then just being stupid and talking too much about nothing and everything and just trying to fill the silence.  Just trying to fill the silence.

Of wanting to hear theirs, but not sure how to open that door that you open first. But talk too much.  And then stop.  And you ask.  And you listen because until then they weren’t saying anything they care to hear and you were trying to fill the silence.  And then they open up. Horrible thing is you can relate in so many ways you CAN’T explain. You listen.. you try to connect but you know you have to be a minimalist.  At this point less said the better.

And then you just love them. Tell them that they are the best experience you ever had and will ever have in your life.

And you hug them over the phone or in person and hope they  come back to see you again.

In this little old apartment with little but love.

And a weird neighbour that my children have known for years.  Yes, I will move away, but I need time. Because my children feel it will be better for me… But right now? This is all okay.