I’ve Got Better Things To Do

Ah ha… so apparently I emailed my ex boyfriend 90 times last night.  He said this to his friend as I was walking by them working.  Yes, you know it, still living next door and still having fun with this weird life.  So I told him “I’ve got better things to do”.  So it reminded me of one of my favorite singers and this is it.  Someone asked me tonight (the wife of his working partner) if I was happy single.  Seriously?  After seeing their fight tonight over a car not done and trying to stop the fight with a kitten in my hand. I brought her over to my little sad but to me castle home.  She asked why they lie.  LOL.  I’ve been through this too many times to even try to explain to another woman why.  There is no answer.  Why do people lie.  In the Chinese community it is a known fact they do this to people when they don’t want to hurt them.  But seriously?  To North American women it doesn’t work. We are just too damn smart.  I’m okay letting the lies go along with the liars now.  Took years.  But what is really nice is I’m not lying to myself anymore.  I used to eat the hurt of those lies and throw them up.  Don’t anymore.  Five years clean and still relatively decent body at what is approaching 52 year of age.  Friends with my food now.  And for the most part my body.  Kind of a neat idea.  Friends with… what is about me.  Still have many fears of how people see me with my aging body and face, my abilities, and still suffer sometimes of depression which I knows stems from fear.  But for some reason, even with some time of depression seeing one of my dear role models in Hollywood take his life, I kind of knew there was something more than just depression.  I thought it was something that was not curable.  Thought cancer.  But it ended up being Parkinson’s disease.  Hate to say it but I understood.  In the bulimia world I kind of kept my life steady with “control”… but did I?  now though I am much more aware of everything around me.  Spent two weeks in a total paranoid feeling of “what if?”  They included loosing my job, my parents, my animals (one died two weeks ago). All encompassing feelings can overwhelm.  But I didn’t return to bulimia.  I did NOT.  I kept telling myself that I have to do something bigger than just falling into a hole again.  Three friends wrote to me from long time ago in this week.  I am visiting one tomorrow after eight years.  And I am going to be travelling alone on my birthday weekend!! Flight is set.  First time in my life travelling alone to a place I have never been before.  Scared, but it’s a place where I know I will finally remove all fears of my life.  Will share when I get back. 🙂  I did it.  I bought a ticket and got time off from work and I’m leaving for four days!! Ahhhh heavy sigh.  Miss you Robin.



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