Hello Beautiful Lady

A letter to a friend:

Hello beautiful lady. Thinking about you lots. I hope you are doing well. I am trying to think about the one thing that changed my life. What words my sister said to me that one night that turned my life around and I stopped. I think it was her honesty combined with no judgement. No judgement.  No expectations.  Just honesty. And love. I think but still not sure if the knowing someone else knew and was kind and allowed me to have the choice to take this in my own hands was the answer? I am still trying to formulate my success after so many years. And rendering it into a short cut for you. Life as a bulimic for 30 years is a loss of much of your life. Maybe some things that may change your thinking. I have bad teeth now and three missing. I am spending money to fix them but it was my bulimia that killed three of my best friends in my mouth. I cried when they had to go. It was about the relationship I had with them more so then cosmetic issues believe it or not. That controlling issue in my youth hurt and killed three of my best friends and my relationship with many but mostly my daughter. I am happy now but so much I would have given to say goodbye to B way back when. 😉 what I thought was my best friend in silence was although that silent friend one that was destructive.  I should have let her go a long time ago. Sure dont miss her. She was like a jealous possessive thing that overtook me and didn’t want me to be with anyone else. Sorry but I will say this crudely.  Fuck her. The F word sometimes is the only way to truly characterize the way you feel with the proper passion. Happy I ended that relationship. … maybe in writing this I now know what to look for in my writing. Thanks for listening. 🙂

Furious Pete Documentary

Awesome story about Furious Pete .

I am watching this having followed this story for some time. Interesting views. I agree with some and not with others. I believe you can be completely free but it takes a change in attitude towards life. Biggest gift of full recovery is stop doing things for the purpose of acceptance or proving to others. Turn it inside. Do what you love but most important love yourself first. And choose what and who you want to be based on your heart not the demands of others.

Today if I don’t want to clean I don’t. I will do it when I WANT.  🙂 it is a beautiful world now.

Young, you might do extremes but when you can find peace in the middle nothing wrong with that. In fact I found out the best peace and piece of me. 🙂

Moving Forward Bulimic Free

I am slowly but surely moving forward towards a much better life free of my bulimia. Four years free! Not one desire to ever go back and even more so can’t believe it took so long to get to this point. But I suppose there needed to be that aha! moment.

I went to visit a good friend of mine last weekend. First time I drove 3 hours on my own and first time with my dogs in 5 years!  When I arrived I went into the pet friendly motel that oversaw the lake. It was beautiful. It was even more fun because it was spontaneous.

My friend loves to walk. So he and I did so several times with the dogs. It was a short visit but made a huge impression.

Got home and thought of how I have to get off the farm where I live and get to a place where there is decent warmth in the winter and places to walk the dogs safe from coyotes.

I went on the classifieds and couldn’t believe one place advertised. Right on a huge pond in town near walking trails and seconds from the old section of the growing town I live in.  Price was right too but with over 300 views doubted it would still be available. But took my chances. Landlord wrote back it was.

It seemed so surreal. Went to see it. Small but exactly what I live in now and exactly what I wanted for size. Beautiful deck in the back and in an old house!

Country living in the city. Can’t beat that. So I am going to have to sharpen my skates and I will even be able to roller blade again!

New home

Even better I am only 7 minutes from work! I can go home during lunch and walk my dogs and have time to eat!! 🙂

This is my 24th move in my life. I am hoping the second to last. Last one being in my tiny house. 🙂 But that won’t be for a few years. In the interim I will be away from my jealous ex boyfriend and freer. Here is to forward steps.  And thanking God for being there and answering my prayer.

Interesting Things You Find From Blogs Two Years Ago! Survey Results.

Two years ago I posted a survey.  It was called “Where you go when you’re gone“.  I just noticed 12 people responded to this.  Interesting results, because the one that had no votes, was the one I would have thought would!  Here are the results of the 12 responders:

If you want to participate, just hit the link above that is in quotations.  I will post again the results if I get more people that respond. 🙂

To my previous post about boxes versus tiny homes

I lived the dream so to speak of big house, not huge but big enough.  Along with that came expectations of perfection, intelligence, perfect in the way you look, the way you present yourself, the way you “keep” your home.  And inside of me a child was screaming. I don’t want this!  this is not home.  This is just a house with a fake husband and children that follow path they don’t even understand.  I learned in life less is better, although I always knew that.  I didn’t need more, never wanted more. More was less because it cost more.  Even if you make the money and can have more really is it more? I quit my bulimia when I was free of being around the need for more.  And of not being around people who expected too much of me.

Weird that I can enjoy an icecream now and not even be hungry for all of it.  Less is better.  I don’t and never needed much.  Just knowing in my own heart and head that I can love those who love me no matter what and having just what I need. Not much. A home, not a box, love with loyalty, not demands, and knowing I can care for myself and it’s accepted, not demanded.

I have regrets, and wish sometimes I was who I am now back then, but I also believe God brought me through this process to understand, in the last years of my life, that everything I did brought me to here.  To understand that no one can change your beliefs.  You  always go back, no matter he consequences.  You do end up with the original dreams, just with some sketches changed on the architectural front, but that was only the adult speaking. Not the child that dreamed of little homes. So comes the circle of life.

Not a box house even if big anymore… but a tiny home community will do me just fine. 🙂

In ending it’s weird. As a child or growing up adult, my parents had dreams of grandeur for me.  And I guess I wanted to make that happen for them. I know now they are Okay know small is good for me.  As long as I am happy. 🙂 Freedom.

Do you live in a box? Love this song. I know I don’t anymore. I live life!!

I used to live I a box. Not anymore.  Colours, live, new beginnings not about stuff about life now. Stuff. Not worth a darn…  no hoarding.  I will live in a tiny house but not a box anymore. 🙂 Big difference.  A big house can be a prison and a small home freedom. ;0 Life is so much better with love, support, and family and friends and animals who love you than stuff…..

 

Three Blind Dates

I had three blind dates and love them all until death do me part. Maybe that is what I was wrong about. Thought the love at first site 34 years ago today (September 26th) would remain a part of that.  But hey. … three out of four can’t complain. Odds for me not against me.