Your Purpose.. Now I Understand Mine

bulimia…

Wonderful post I recommend reading.

Meet Lydia and her story 🙂 Thank you for sharing Lydia!

bulimia….

Multitasking On A Friday Night

Sometimes I Wish I Was This

A combination of all beauty.   Butterfly, Unicorn, and colours… and yet, I am this. Grounded by the reality that I do not fly and don’t have a beautiful stance or corn like that of the Unicorn, or the wings of a butterfly.  But I can always believe!! 🙂 As simple as I am. I can make it happen to believe. 🙂  Because a rainbow always brings a smile… and this picture sure made me believe all the more. 🙂  Heck with a simple butterfly!! spruced up!! 🙂  Kind of reminds me of what I feel like now that I let go of my bulimia. 🙂

Becoming Who I am

Never have I seen a post so beautiful as this.  I could not ever say this more beautifully.  I have gone through life wondering how to explain what I feel.  This is it.  This is what it has been becoming who I am.  Becoming me.

NIETZSCHE: On Suffering – Analysis

Very interesting article. Came to me via an interesting link on a notice of someone liking my last blog. Very à propos.  Worth the read.

Strangely enough too I read the book on his philosophy,  but didn’t remember this part.

NIETZSCHE: On Suffering – Analysis.

She Called!

Well I guess it’s all about letting it ride.  I don’t want to share what my daughter called about but she called.  I got down on my knees and thanked God for answering my prayers…. it was all I wanted.  Numbing my feelings were obviously not what He wanted me to hear.

She is so like me at that age.  21.  I told her bulimia got me through.  In earlier posts I wrote about how one of my psychiatrists told me it probably saved my life through my depression.  It also made my life a living hell, but one that most around me didn’t see.  My daughter’s struggles are more open to everyone close to her.

What is the better evil?  Deadly silence or open admission of the frustrations of life…. But all I can say is… my daughter called me tonight after two nights ago choosing to make me a “text mom”.  Tonight I heard her voice.

Thank you God!!

Seriously? My Daugher In The Hospital For A Month And He Doesn’t Tell Me?????

I hate divorces.  They are just full of ugliness.  I divorced because my ex had an affair first with a best friend then with my sister.  Stories here tell these tales and how my eating disorder suffered from the control and the issues.  I am healed now, but my daughter is not.  Not in the eating disorder sense but in the mental health sense in regards to depression.  I get a call today from her and I rarely do so I called her right back after my customer left.  She is crying and asking if her father really did have an affair with my sister.  OMG!! that was like so many years ago and I am so over it and okay with my sister for my parents’ sake.  I have moved one and trying to keep moving on but then my daughter says she wants him to admit to it.  I couldn’t do anything but to text her that he always denied it, but that my sister admitted to it and asked for forgiveness and it is what it is.  Who knows who is telling the truth?  She then texted me he admitted to it.  There was a very uncomfortable closure to this.  He admitted.  He never admitted easily.  His firstish affair with a best friend five years before my sister took me forever to find it out and finally he did because he had no choice.  I had all the proof.  This one I had proof too.  Not as significant but enough for my parents to understand my dilemma and it was good enough for me.  But this was years ago and I don’t want to bring all this shit up into the fan again for it to fly.  My family has been through enough.  So why is my daughter so angry that she tells me she was in hospital (because her father didn’t tell me and I am after all her mother, not the one he is living with who is with him for his money), and why bring up what we have closed the doors on other than her needing closure for him to actually admit to this face to face with her?

I am confused, upset, I can’t say angry, but disappointed and want to take my stick and find that piñata I want to hit, but he has always been good at hiding behind his cold exterior.  Wait… Pinata!! cold, hard… lol.

I don’t what to do.  Dad said to face the devil father face to face and ask how he thinks he is so much more the parent that I am left in the dark like a mushroom.  But I am a whimp.  I cowarded to him my whole life with him of 22 years of knowing him and 15 of married.  So how do I stand up to Galiath?  I don’t feel like a David.  I can imagine going up against him, but actions are different then imagination.  I don’t want to know about his dirty life anymore or why my daughter ends up in a hospital for a month.  I would not have let that happen.  But he took her from me like he did my boys.

I write to make me feel well.  I can’t imagine how my children are trying to deal with that Galiath.  He is formidable and gives and provides with monetary, but he doesn’t know the heart.  Never did.  His needs always came before others.  But when he did give it was to make sure it was reflected on him.  Jewellery, education that HE paid for, home, furniture, beautiful little lady on his side that just shut up for him to speak.

I don’t hate him, I feel sorry for him.

May he learn the lesson… and it is now in my heart to ask… do I let him keep learning the lesson or do I go and fight for my right to be part of his lesson?

I love my children, but he has built a wall… I can sit back and see if my children choose to break it down, or I can storm through it.

Which one?

Sleep over means thinking… and coming back to edit this I have chosen to let things slide.  I have to let things take their course.  Although in my head I can have thoughts of revenge, I can never follow through… thoughts of fighting, but cannot follow through.  I am so happy in my life now I don’t want anymore.  I have had enough.

Maybe one of my sons will be that David that sets Goliath right.  But I am not David.  I am a lamb.  And I like me that way.  And I like who I have become.  That my children miss this part of me because they want to ignore me is okay.  My eldest still is special in that he goes out of his way to see me, but my other ones, it’s their choice.  I now know how my mother felt.  In time you will learn what I went through…. so I will let things take their course and believe God knows best.  Let it be.  In His hands all is best.  Afterall, I still have not gone back to bulimia, and I am feeling stronger every year that I don’t turn to it… but more to Him.  He is perfectly perfect for me.  I love you God.  Thank you.

And believe me I am not a bible thumper, or a religious freak.  I just … believe. 🙂 Mustard seed.

You Are Special! Yes You! The One Reading This!

One of the most beautiful FB pictures I have seen in a long time.  And I get responses simply by posting it and with a line “you know who you are”.  With this anyone of my couple of handful of friends will respond.  Already really special ones have.  Here on this site I say this to you too.  You are special.  And my followers and visitors mean the world to me.  I am so okay in my skin coming from 30 years of bulimia.  I can’t explain it, but this picture may be the most important one in my life.  I stopped numbing myself through bulimia and started living and opening up to feelings I buried in my eating disorder.  I didn’t want to feel anything and eating and throwing my emotions seemed pretty simple.  But now I have to live all the emotions.  And my best alive feeling is this.. My ones who respond to this.  If you are one feel welcome.

I did also get a most wonderful message today from my angel colleague.  I was left alone at work and I greeted all my customers without back up.  It was great because I love my customers, but when I get hungry… it’s like the Snicker’s bar commercials.  I am not myself.  I need food!  Oh my goodness after being left alone at lunch time I was holding a stick and looking for pinatas, but the one I wanted to hit left!! LOL But my colleague said I was impressive in my holding back and being so caring to the customers even if I was feeling tension inside.  That meant the world to me.  She is my angel, one that responded, because I know she knows she is one of the ones I sent this out to.  My foundations in life are honest and trustworthy friends and family.  I am actually lucky.  I have two hand fulls.  Most just make friends and don’t have that foundation of true ones.  I love being bulimic free and being able to connect now to the ones I love in my heart.  It’s not marred with the disease anymore. 🙂  But with it does come the need to deal with emotions.  Laughter is the first place to start. 🙂

Okay so I am all over the board. but see these two pics and if anyone out there I have made friends with, with these crazy posts, just please like and I will be so grateful.  I hope I help.  52 and so happy to be all okay with my body and loving not worrying about having a date with John. LOL  Unless it’s absolutely necessary based on God’s rules.  🙂  Which usually comes out of the other end.  Exit only.

Are We Returning to Rubenesque

Peter Paul Rubens… what a wonder.  Love his women in Rubenesque style and painted them so wonderfully.  Believe it or not I am an Art History Major and when I was going through my Media Folly of Skinny Be Me in those magazines, I was also studying Paul’s art.  Not only his, but Paul Peel, who painted the most wonderful painting of a woman I was fascinated with and did my theory on. I was fascinated because these artists loved their women as they were.  Not magazine skinny, but beautiful and full and gorgeous.

A few samples before I go to sleep.  Tired but love to share before I go to bed when I am feeling the happiness of being who I am. 🙂