Knowledge of learning to love again

The ghost is me!! and Hampy

Of the three, the one in the middle I divorced happily… the two on either side are always in my heart!

You have the RIGHT to divorce a sister, even if it’s not on paper.  Words cannot explain the betrayal one feels of a sister versus a friend or a stranger.  I learned this.  And today I am fine with it knowing I made MY choice and not all the choices people around me were advising me of or telling me to do… forgive….

I know, forgiveness is what everyone preaches. I have to admit I don’t understand that word. The term “let go and let God”, I understand better, and to keep living my life around people I love. I know that sounds selfish, but in a positive way it truly is. I don’t want to be around an ex- s and ex-h who didn’t bring beauty to my life and in fact caused a lot of emotional chaos! I choose to spend it with the people who DO bring beauty in my life. I can’t say it’s not total unforgiveness. As I said, I’m not even sure of what forgiveness means. I know though that I have never been happier since I CHOSE to NOT have negative energy or people who send out negative emotions when around me… #FREEDOM… And to stop listening to people tell me I have to forgive and forget. It just doesn’t happen that way of which whatever they are thinking when they say it. You have to be your own person and define what all that is. To me? It’s what I wrote earlier. I do not know internally in my heart the definition of forgiveness, but I do know now the internal definition of living away from those who offend you and keeping a very positive force around you… I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

……

I have lately been learning about NLP.  Very interesting.  Neuro Linguistic Programming. The biggest lessons I have been learning is about the subconscious mind and how it will protect you.  It even protects emotions that you may suppress, until you are well enough for them to surface again to deal with.

Lately, there have been many of those suppressed feelings that have come forth, leading me to believe that I am ready for my subconscious to introduce to my conscious mind memories I chose to either forget or bury in my brain.

It’s freeing.  It’s wonderful, and overwhelming a bit, but my subconscious mind is giving me tid bits at a time.

I feel alive again.  I am feeling the love again, the reaching out.

I will say I am recluse for the most part, always enjoyed my solitude.  But it’s feeling different now.  It’s feeling like it’s more by choice then by reasons of the past.  Freeing.

Just because you are bullied… don’t bully back!

I remember when I was younger walking down the aisle of my Junior High School.  One girl named Cheryl would stand being Debbie and let me tell you! They scared the Hell out of me.  Cheryl was not a person you would want to contend with.  Debbie was about a foot shorter, and she was someone that you SERIOUSLY did not want to contend with.  Cheryl, I believe, was Debbie’s increased percentage of intimidation and ability to continue, what we call today, as bullying.  I’m not sure, you be the judge.  My mom would not let me wear jeans like all the other kids.  I wore clothes mom made.  Nice clothes.  I liked them.  But they were not anything like all the other kids wore.

In as such, I was threatened to be beaten up for being a fairy.

In hindsight, which we all know is known to be 20/20, I should have taken that as a compliment.  I do now, but again 20/20.  I wish had a better witt back then.  I would have asked “who, in any right mind, would want to beat up a fairy???”

Today I can laugh about those two years of Junior High going through this every day.  And I can smile more so remembering when the Vice Principle, upon my graduation, said he would miss me walking the halls always so beautifully dressed.

Reality check!! Looking back on that I believed him but as I got older, I thought it may have been a ploy to deviate my frustration and make me feel good.  It worked.

I never bullied back.  I think I am the opposite.  Having been bullied, so to speak, I feel solace in hidding.

Lately I reconnected with my beautiful daughter.

Why does this match with this email?  because she too was bullied about her weight as a child and never externatalized it to me.  So much we miss when we are so focussed on the bully rather then people we love and care for, particular our self.

WHy can they eat that much?

Okay, that sounds really mean.  But seriously sometimes I watch people and ask that question.  It’s not derogatory.  It is a question.

Since I have been free of bulimia, I have learned how to eat anything in proportion.  I will eat chocolate.  One piece subsides my curiosity or feel like having… not craving, of which I have little of for chocolate.  I allowed myself chips any time I wanted to.  That is something I love to this day, but by allowing myself that, I can tell you I actually have not had a chip in over 4 months.  I just know I can have it so I don’t care to have it until I feel like it.

Last month I went on a “Sugar Free September Cancer Drive” and made it through with no problem.  Funny thing is people asked me if I lost weight doing that.  I did not lose a pound.  I still ate!! I just didn’t have sugar.  Now that I am allowed sugar, the first day was … wow I can have my Greek Yogurt Caramel Frozen Bar.  I had it and loved it.  Only sugar I missed.  Anything else I don’t.

My point is, that I learn from allowing, and sometimes when I disallow for a good reason, like a cancer donation drive, it makes it fun, and I know I can go back and it changes my world. I realize at the end I really don’t need it.

Bulimia changed my world too.  It made me realize that small portions of anything are okay.  You don’t have to indulge in a big meal to feel satisfied.  Food doesn’t have to be what fills you up in life.  Or in the case the bulimia, what fills you up with your emotions that you need to eat and purge later.

I understand the overeating, because I have been there.  But today I don’t undersant WHY they can eat that much.  Meaning, I’m interested in the relationship with food and person.  Why are they eating that much?  I know the easy question is they love food.  Then the next question would be “do they?” or is something missing, or WHY do they LOVE food …

Pondering the thoughts…

And I will say again… some people say that overcoming an eating disorder means you always have it. I disagree.  I can’t even begin to tell you how I can’t even imagine WHY I did it for so long.  WHY I did it at all? I know the answer, but I don’t know WHY I let it go on for so long… or maybe I don’t know WHY I even should have allowed myself to start?  Those questions really though don’t matter to me much anymore.  What does is, WHY would I eat more than what just satisfies me?  Why would I want to eat to discomfort?  Be it discomfort for the night, the day, or to want to purge it to feel better and waste all that wonderful food, that could have been enjoyed in smaller, kinder to your body size portions.

Kinder to your body size portions.  It takes time, but you really know when you’re full when you eat slowly and within 20 minutes, your stomach tells you you’ve had enough.  And is happy you enjoyed what you had to that point.  Then stop.

WHY have a second serving, knowing it will make your friend, your stomach, not comfortable? And in a bulimic stage, horrified that it will have to purge that food it so enjoyed?

If we were one with our tummy, its enjoyment of the food you provide to it, in smaller amounts, that would build the proper relationship.  Even smaller more frequent amounts.  Just think how happy the two of you would be together.  In so many ways!!

Why food?  The only answer to that is to disengage the emotions related to food in your subconscious mind.  To associate food with love for yourself, not externally.  Not to use food as a blanket, but as a friend to you and your stomach and to not overexert one of your best friends… your tummy, who takes in the food you eat and takes care of the first part of digestion.  Eat what you want but WHY eat too much?  When it is so much more romantic to eat… not too little, not too much.. but just enough.  (Love Goldie Locks and the Three Bears… the story is very telling… just right)

Hugs… Just a thought.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My six year old enjoying food and friends. I missed my family though. Well not my neighbour family or furry family. Missed my parents and two sisters and mostly my children. 

My back was aching all weekend but I managed. And even if I didn’t feel fulfilled with my immediate family, I was thankful for my neighbour friends.

I have a sight called psychoticlove.com. There it speaks to the subconscious longing of hearing from my children. But as I have moved forward with my healing of my eating disorder, I have learnt to appreciate the love around me at the moment.

My healer said my back ache will leave me when my emotions release. I wasn’t in tune to that until I meditated on it and she is right.

My release means deeper breaths and letting go of the pain. Because when you ache you breathe shallow and tense up and become exhausted.  This too in love and missing that interaction.

Time to breathe, relax and let go to regain my energy.

Tina is awesome and I highly recommend her… 

If interested… contact me 😊