It seems bizarre. Surreal, I suppose.
Tonight I cried the first sober cry in perhaps over a decade and a half. The feeling shook me. There I was, after watching a compelling movie, Life Itself, and the tears were real, the feeling so vibrant. I was as aware of the pain, and the sobs as if I was immersed in water. The letting go to my inner turmoil, my memories, my thoughts, my aches, my regrets, my worries, my denials. They all created a volcano that erupted in not just sobs, but an outright cry. A loud cry. Something I have not done for years.
I have not had a drink for three months now. I decided I would say goodbye to the sidekick to my bulimia (although not as consistent, but enough that it was time to say goodbye). Wine, like bulimia, is a mood changers. Only unlike bulimia, wine makes me more sensitive, and lower inhibitions, so it makes crying easier.
As I write this, I am still feeling the torrent of emotions welling through my body. I am still in disbelief of this awareness of this being the first sober cry in years! It was a compelling truth. I don’t cry really when I haven’t had a glass of wine, and I have had my wine during times when crying would have otherwise been hidden behind the facade of being strong. Hence, it was not a sober cry.
You know how they say when you die that your life flashes before you? In this case, it did just that, only I wasn’t dying. (Well, we all are, but you understand – at that moment I wasn’t dying). It was like moments of all the past 30 years just shot through my body to my head and back to my body, darting through my heart, my mind, my brain.
I felt all the pain I have for the love in my life, the love that was lost, the love that is there today that I have been denying and closing out. It is like facing this mirror and wondering what the hell? Where was all this hidden and the knowing why it was and wondering if it had all served me well to choose to just build that wall that I so despise when it finds a light that shines through it, as it does and has to, because I do care and I do love.
I just don’t want to. I don’t want to acknowledge love. I don’t want to acknowledge that inside I am so fearful of it because I know it goes away. One way or the other, it dies. And when it does it hurts more than anything in the world.
A mortal reality.
” Listen to me. Rigo, you have had many ups and downs in your life. Too many. And you will have more. This is life. And this is what it does. Life brings you to your knees. It brings you lower than you think you can go. But if you stand back up and move forward, if you go just a little farther, you will always find love. I found love in you. And my life, my story, it will continue after I’m gone. Because you are my story. You are your father’s story. Your uncle’s. Rigo, my body fails me, but you are me. So you go now, give me a beautiful life. The most beautiful life ever. Yeah? And if life brings us to our knees, you stand us back up. You get up and go farther, and find us the love. Will you do that? “
Quote from the movie “Life Itself”