Roller Coasters, and Letter to Baby and 9 Year Old LaurieAnn

I believe I wrote about this before. Today I realized my roller coaster was a happy one. Strangely, my friend and I spoke to rollercoasters and I told him that my life was a turmoil these days. Being kicked out of a place I thought was my “haven” in the best way I could think in my last 8 years.

Then I wrote my last post. I cried. I spoke to my daughter.

I released a pain. And then suddenly the rollercoaster of pain and happiness became real and it wasn’t so bad.

Release.

Then another truly dear friend wrote to me about my post on Facebook and said he was happy I was thinking positive. Truth? I wasn’t really at that moment truly feeling it, I just wrote what I wanted to feel. Now I am.

I see in my future a Winnebago with my dogs and cats and just being free. I am selling everything like my last mentioned friend chose to and I am in a position that I kind of have to. It is synchronicity? My friend and I went through our 501 course together because I reached out to him to be there and he needed me too. Then he tells me he is selling everything and moving to Europe or somewhere. Then I am evicted around the same time and I can’t bring everything that I own with me, so selling everything but my pets.

Parallels. Interesting.

Then suddenly my anxiety, fears and wondering why kind of came together and said “Doc? Are you serious?”

Doc was Charles’ and my mentor, teacher, and dear friend. He passed away last month. He asked me to take care of Charles, however I think Charles making the decision he did is suddenly telling me that what is happening to me is not coincidence. Our Angel.

So I started to have fun thinking… Maybe, just maybe Doc is leading both his “disciples” literally as a teacher, to where we need to be.

Peace. I have chased “peace” for so long. And interestingly enough as a guest on the podcast with Lisa Arnold on “How do You Want To be Seen?” I answered that question as “at peace”.

So here I was fighting these thoughts of anger for the betrayal of my landlady, and tonight I thought more about the vision. Why is this happening? What is the purpose?

I actually feel, after my last post and saying what was in my heart that I didn’t release fully before, and by writing it out did, then my eyes opened.

I do want to help those struggling with bulimia. It’s my calling. However, my calling is also to give up my possessions again. It happened 20 years ago and again 10 years ago, and I gave up almost all of them, then built my space up again, and now that my house is full again, I am in a position I have to let go again.

I found this interesting. Even more so because everyone is saying it is healthy to “purge”.

I chuckle at that. At one time in my life it wasn’t. Because I binged and purged. This time it feels good. I am purging my past by letting go of the things even when I had to downsize that I held onto. My wedding photos, my family portraits buried in the back storage space, my favorite gifts from my ex husband and ex boyfriend that I still held onto.

I will find storage though to keep the full sized paintings of my 3 children that I painted of them at ages 8, 9 and 13. I will leave a key for them to find them.

I recovered from bulimia, but not my past in total. I still held guilt and shame. I thought that by keeping memorabilia of my children that they can look at one day and choose to keep and reminisce over would make me be a better mother. Even if my sons didn’t see me until I died, they would see how much I loved them by going through my stuff and seeing all the pictures and the childhood toys I still held on to.

I realized none of that matters. It did at the onset of my separation and divorce. My ex cleared all the walls. So when my children came to see me, with my walls filled with pictures of them and too the fridge, they made mention and it made them comfortable in a way.

No, I am not discarding their stuff. I will have it in storage somewhere where when I leave them they can find it and choose whether to keep the stuff or not. Small storage unit. Like safety deposit box without the actual gold in it. Just memories.

I don’t need them for ME anymore. My memories are solid in my brain files.

I have been holding on too long to everything. Family, guilt, shame, pain, betrayal, you name it.

Time to move on. Purging is a good thing, when you let the “stuff” that you “binged” on that filled your surroundings. Not food. The stuff that you look at that triggers negative or painful emotions. Previously it triggered my bulimia. Then later it triggered emotions. Negative emotions. Like recovering from bulimia, and your last purge, so too with all that too close the final gate. The only way to do that is the final purge of the “stuff” (no longer food – STUFF) that cause emotional triggers, and replace them with a new life.

It took me a long time to realize that even if I was recovered from bulimia, I still wasn’t fully recovered from my emotional triggers.

Today my fun rollercoaster sent me the message. Better to have fun on it and feel the up and downs with the butterflies like a child then listen to how adults refer to it.

Feel the butterflies. It’s okay not to lose the child in you! Never let anyone tell you to “adult”. You will when you need to, but when you don’t? THEN DON’T. 🙂

This is to my baby LaurieAnn. You believed in me when I was a child. I owe you to be happy and proud of who we became together. And I know baby LaurieAnn would never let go of the childlike beauty in her soul.

Bulimia and over doing to prove to others may have squelched it for a few years. It won’t in this last quarter of our lives, Baby LaurieAnn. This is a BIG promise and I will do my best to keep it.

Time to enjoy our last rollercoaster ride together baby LaurieAnn. Oh and 9 year old LaurieAnn, join the fun with us too please!! I know you need this!! 🙂

Because of you… because of me

I haven’t written for a while. I am so grateful for being in my 11th year of recovery. However, like an alcoholic, I am finally taking the steps towards realizing my mistakes and finding amends. I know. That should have been a part of the beginning of my recovery. It wasn’t. I wasn’t strong enough then. It’s now that I am. I had to deal with myself first before I could come to the realization of my own pain and forgiving myself, before I could go out and ask for forgiveness to others.

I started with my parents. That was easy. I told them I was sorry for the pain and fear I put them through.

Toughest of all, is that my daughter already forgave me and spoke honestly about it, however, she doesn’t want to hear me say sorry anymore. I said sorry, she said “Mom, that’s enough. You don’t have to say sorry anymore”. I do. She doesn’t want to hear it so I am putting it out there to my followers. I need to do this.

I feel like this song. This song reminds me of what I saw somewhat of what my mom went through (although my mom is super tough and kept our family together regardless and soon to be 64 years married) and then I put my daughter through this. I wasn’t as tough as my mom. Circumstance, in fairness, were a bit different, but regardless, I did lean on my daughter and she was too young.

Unlike my Mom, I did leave and although my children had their choice of where to live, she chose to live with me when I was going through my divorce and she saw all my pain. And I leaned on her. I needed her there with me. My boys decided to live with their father, and she chose to live with ME. Today I realized that that was probably the worse thing ever that I put her through, yet, she is my treasure and she kept me living.

Today though I see her pain and I feel that it was partly because of the hell I put her through because of my pain. I couldn’t “see” what I was putting her through.

I remember as a child my mother reaching out to me, and climbing in my bed, and then something happened and I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t because I was too young. My daughter experienced the same thing. You would have thought that as an adult I would have known better than to have my daughter go through that same pain I felt.

It’s not guilt. It used to be. Now it’s pain. And yet, maybe, maybe, she is going to be safer. However, she doesn’t trust herself. And I didn’t either. And even 10 years later after my recovery, I learned to trust myself however I don’t trust many around me. Maybe 2 people. How can I possibly tell my daughter that it’s going to be okay when I can’t even trust?

I am still afraid. I have learned not to lean on her, and instead have her lean on me, however, did I do this to her? Did I break my daughter’s spirit? Am I the reason she questions everything about her beauty? Her intelligence? Her fears?

Did I pass it down? Did I pass down everything I was to her because I was too weak to fight, and left the fight to her to not pass it down? Apparently she tells me that that won’t be an issue because she doesn’t want to have children to bring them into this world.

I can’t say that I blame her. Sometimes I wish my parents never had me either even to this day when things are tough. It’s not always, but I have my days still. I won’t lie. No, I don’t want to leave this world, I just sometimes wonder why I am here. Until I look into the eyes of my dogs.

Maybe back when I was bulimic that was an issue with me? I am trying to figure all this out. One thing I am grateful for is that my daughter never was bulimic, but she did suffer from overeating and was bullied, like me, for being “fat”.

I wish she would have share it with me when she was going through it, but she was afraid to because it was during the time I was in so much pain from my divorce with her dad. And it wasn’t a normal situation. It involved my sister. And the family was blown up like a bomb.

My pain made me forget I was a mother for years. I just wanted to hold my daughter. I didn’t want to let go. She left me after 4, and I left and moved away because the pain of her leaving me was even worse than when I left her dad.

So where is this going? Tonight I realized I didn’t realize that although she was blaming her father for her frustration, by being with a new woman right after I left and moved in one year after I left, it’s not all that. It’s also her watching me go through the pain. I wish I had been a stronger person. I wish I had realized that that beautiful little girl of 9 years old needed laughter and fun and a MOTHER. Don’t get me wrong. We had that. But for the first 6 months after leaving her father and we living in together, I was a wreck. And just that alone for a 9 year old will have made a negative impression. That and the fact that her father and brothers didn’t involve her in their lives.

I do have one thing I am proud of. I always involved my boys in my life and in all the special events. I always invited them.

Why am I thinking about this tonight? I have no idea. It’s just something I think I really have not resolved. And when you quit bulimia, your emotions become so real. The best part about recovery is that you can’t go running to food to eat and throw it up.

Weird fact though. When you are going through the emotions, sometimes you remember what you used to do to numb them. You remember when you used to go to food and binge and purge. Then looking in that toilet bowl of shame. IT IS SO freeing NOT to, yet also painful because you REALLY feel all that you feel inside. And then you do what I am doing. WRITE… JOURNAL… listen to the songs over and over again until you can see that it’s not just about how sad you feel about your daughter or sons… that part of that song is about YOU! And then you can realize that it’s something you have to work on. Something you have to let go of.

I still have to work on trust. 17 years later I STILL HAVE TRUST ISSUES. And I, tonight, became clearly aware of this.

My next work on me.

Hugs to all of you out there. Remember. I have been dealing with on and offs for 10 years. ONE THING I HAVE NOT DONE is an on and off of bulimia. Just emotions. Now, having said that. If one night you hear a song, or someone says something and you have been “recovered” and it does cause a “lapse”. Just stop. Focus. Ask why? And you will come back out knowing it is one of those triggers that was burried, and you didn’t want to deal with it. We have to to be fully healed.

Because of you…. the world actually is a better place. As a bulimic, that’s really hard to believe often. As a recovered bulimic, it still is, however I look into the eyes of my dogs, of my friends and my children and realize… because of them, this life is a better place, and I know I can see in their mirrored eyes, I also am making their life a better place!

Hard to swallow sometimes. Pun intended. And one that cannot be purged. Ask the ones you love. They will agree.

LA

Guilt

For the longest time after my recovery, I felt guilt over the time and money lost from my bulimia.  I felt guilt for the way I let others who knew about my bulimia feel (although they didn’t come forward, I knew they knew).  I felt guilty because I blamed my bulimia on my emotional roller coaster that may have hurt others, or even been a catalyst to the end of my marriage.

Those feelings that I guilted myself with may have been the truth, however, what is past cannot be undone.  Removing guilt means being at peace with yourself, learning the lessons of yesterday, and applying them to the present and the future.  What I felt bad about I spoke openly with those around me about, including my daughter.  Her support and love were immense in my healing.  Moving forward this is what I pray for with bulimics struggling – to find peace, to put aside the guilt, and to move forward to recovery.  It may mean stepping backward one or two steps in the journey, however, if you are taking 10 steps forward for even one or two backward, you are still progressing.

Question:  What makes you feel guilt?  Do you feel that guilt is a trigger or aftermath of bingeing and purging? 

“I have but this to say about guilt.  Freedom is letting go of it.”  LaurieAnn   

Pain

“Although emotional pain can outweigh physical pain, once you experience peace with it, you realize it is better to have felt it, sat with it, learned from it, and lived a more significant life by getting up, walking through it to the other side than burying it to avoid it.  What is buried can appear before us someday.  What you walk through remains behind as a lesson and what built strength in you today and where you go tomorrow.”  LaurieAnn