Because of you… because of me

I haven’t written for a while. I am so grateful for being in my 11th year of recovery. However, like an alcoholic, I am finally taking the steps towards realizing my mistakes and finding amends. I know. That should have been a part of the beginning of my recovery. It wasn’t. I wasn’t strong enough then. It’s now that I am. I had to deal with myself first before I could come to the realization of my own pain and forgiving myself, before I could go out and ask for forgiveness to others.

I started with my parents. That was easy. I told them I was sorry for the pain and fear I put them through.

Toughest of all, is that my daughter already forgave me and spoke honestly about it, however, she doesn’t want to hear me say sorry anymore. I said sorry, she said “Mom, that’s enough. You don’t have to say sorry anymore”. I do. She doesn’t want to hear it so I am putting it out there to my followers. I need to do this.

I feel like this song. This song reminds me of what I saw somewhat of what my mom went through (although my mom is super tough and kept our family together regardless and soon to be 64 years married) and then I put my daughter through this. I wasn’t as tough as my mom. Circumstance, in fairness, were a bit different, but regardless, I did lean on my daughter and she was too young.

Unlike my Mom, I did leave and although my children had their choice of where to live, she chose to live with me when I was going through my divorce and she saw all my pain. And I leaned on her. I needed her there with me. My boys decided to live with their father, and she chose to live with ME. Today I realized that that was probably the worse thing ever that I put her through, yet, she is my treasure and she kept me living.

Today though I see her pain and I feel that it was partly because of the hell I put her through because of my pain. I couldn’t “see” what I was putting her through.

I remember as a child my mother reaching out to me, and climbing in my bed, and then something happened and I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t because I was too young. My daughter experienced the same thing. You would have thought that as an adult I would have known better than to have my daughter go through that same pain I felt.

It’s not guilt. It used to be. Now it’s pain. And yet, maybe, maybe, she is going to be safer. However, she doesn’t trust herself. And I didn’t either. And even 10 years later after my recovery, I learned to trust myself however I don’t trust many around me. Maybe 2 people. How can I possibly tell my daughter that it’s going to be okay when I can’t even trust?

I am still afraid. I have learned not to lean on her, and instead have her lean on me, however, did I do this to her? Did I break my daughter’s spirit? Am I the reason she questions everything about her beauty? Her intelligence? Her fears?

Did I pass it down? Did I pass down everything I was to her because I was too weak to fight, and left the fight to her to not pass it down? Apparently she tells me that that won’t be an issue because she doesn’t want to have children to bring them into this world.

I can’t say that I blame her. Sometimes I wish my parents never had me either even to this day when things are tough. It’s not always, but I have my days still. I won’t lie. No, I don’t want to leave this world, I just sometimes wonder why I am here. Until I look into the eyes of my dogs.

Maybe back when I was bulimic that was an issue with me? I am trying to figure all this out. One thing I am grateful for is that my daughter never was bulimic, but she did suffer from overeating and was bullied, like me, for being “fat”.

I wish she would have share it with me when she was going through it, but she was afraid to because it was during the time I was in so much pain from my divorce with her dad. And it wasn’t a normal situation. It involved my sister. And the family was blown up like a bomb.

My pain made me forget I was a mother for years. I just wanted to hold my daughter. I didn’t want to let go. She left me after 4, and I left and moved away because the pain of her leaving me was even worse than when I left her dad.

So where is this going? Tonight I realized I didn’t realize that although she was blaming her father for her frustration, by being with a new woman right after I left and moved in one year after I left, it’s not all that. It’s also her watching me go through the pain. I wish I had been a stronger person. I wish I had realized that that beautiful little girl of 9 years old needed laughter and fun and a MOTHER. Don’t get me wrong. We had that. But for the first 6 months after leaving her father and we living in together, I was a wreck. And just that alone for a 9 year old will have made a negative impression. That and the fact that her father and brothers didn’t involve her in their lives.

I do have one thing I am proud of. I always involved my boys in my life and in all the special events. I always invited them.

Why am I thinking about this tonight? I have no idea. It’s just something I think I really have not resolved. And when you quit bulimia, your emotions become so real. The best part about recovery is that you can’t go running to food to eat and throw it up.

Weird fact though. When you are going through the emotions, sometimes you remember what you used to do to numb them. You remember when you used to go to food and binge and purge. Then looking in that toilet bowl of shame. IT IS SO freeing NOT to, yet also painful because you REALLY feel all that you feel inside. And then you do what I am doing. WRITE… JOURNAL… listen to the songs over and over again until you can see that it’s not just about how sad you feel about your daughter or sons… that part of that song is about YOU! And then you can realize that it’s something you have to work on. Something you have to let go of.

I still have to work on trust. 17 years later I STILL HAVE TRUST ISSUES. And I, tonight, became clearly aware of this.

My next work on me.

Hugs to all of you out there. Remember. I have been dealing with on and offs for 10 years. ONE THING I HAVE NOT DONE is an on and off of bulimia. Just emotions. Now, having said that. If one night you hear a song, or someone says something and you have been “recovered” and it does cause a “lapse”. Just stop. Focus. Ask why? And you will come back out knowing it is one of those triggers that was burried, and you didn’t want to deal with it. We have to to be fully healed.

Because of you…. the world actually is a better place. As a bulimic, that’s really hard to believe often. As a recovered bulimic, it still is, however I look into the eyes of my dogs, of my friends and my children and realize… because of them, this life is a better place, and I know I can see in their mirrored eyes, I also am making their life a better place!

Hard to swallow sometimes. Pun intended. And one that cannot be purged. Ask the ones you love. They will agree.


About I Am That GAL

When times are hard, we tend to focus on the bad we did to others, or the bad others did unto us, yet it is in those times that remembering all the beautiful, great times is most important.