A sober Cry

It seems bizarre. Surreal, I suppose.

Tonight I cried the first sober cry in perhaps over a decade and a half. The feeling shook me. There I was, after watching a compelling movie, Life Itself, and the tears were real, the feeling so vibrant. I was as aware of the pain, and the sobs as if I was immersed in water. The letting go to my inner turmoil, my memories, my thoughts, my aches, my regrets, my worries, my denials. They all created a volcano that erupted in not just sobs, but an outright cry. A loud cry. Something I have not done for years.

I have not had a drink for three months now. I decided I would say goodbye to the sidekick to my bulimia (although not as consistent, but enough that it was time to say goodbye). Wine, like bulimia, is a mood changers. Only unlike bulimia, wine makes me more sensitive, and lower inhibitions, so it makes crying easier.

As I write this, I am still feeling the torrent of emotions welling through my body. I am still in disbelief of this awareness of this being the first sober cry in years! It was a compelling truth. I don’t cry really when I haven’t had a glass of wine, and I have had my wine during times when crying would have otherwise been hidden behind the facade of being strong. Hence, it was not a sober cry.

You know how they say when you die that your life flashes before you? In this case, it did just that, only I wasn’t dying. (Well, we all are, but you understand – at that moment I wasn’t dying). It was like moments of all the past 30 years just shot through my body to my head and back to my body, darting through my heart, my mind, my brain.

I felt all the pain I have for the love in my life, the love that was lost, the love that is there today that I have been denying and closing out. It is like facing this mirror and wondering what the hell? Where was all this hidden and the knowing why it was and wondering if it had all served me well to choose to just build that wall that I so despise when it finds a light that shines through it, as it does and has to, because I do care and I do love.

I just don’t want to. I don’t want to acknowledge love. I don’t want to acknowledge that inside I am so fearful of it because I know it goes away. One way or the other, it dies. And when it does it hurts more than anything in the world.

A mortal reality.

” Listen to me. Rigo, you have had many ups and downs in your life. Too many. And you will have more. This is life. And this is what it does. Life brings you to your knees. It brings you lower than you think you can go. But if you stand back up and move forward, if you go just a little farther, you will always find love. I found love in you. And my life, my story, it will continue after I’m gone. Because you are my story. You are your father’s story. Your uncle’s. Rigo, my body fails me, but you are me. So you go now, give me a beautiful life. The most beautiful life ever. Yeah? And if life brings us to our knees, you stand us back up. You get up and go farther, and find us the love. Will you do that? “

Quote from the movie “Life Itself”

Sharing… From My Hampy… and I think you would relate!!

https://hampy.ca/introducing-myself-as-hampys-creator-on-video-totally-scary-lol/

Ready for a New Relationship For 2021?

I got it.  I realised that after taking a coaching course, and wondering how I could help people with eating disorders,  I got it.

So are you ready for 2021?  And creating a new relationship?  With food.

Yes… I mean that.  A new relationship with food, that will change your life and your relationship with YOU.  

If you are interested in finding a new way of looking at a relationship with food, contact me.  I can coach you through 12 weeks at 50% off , if you are one of the first 5 to sign up (that’s a $1200 value for only $600).  If you like my process, then there will be a fee of $300 per month there after, which will include, as per this first offer, 1 one on 1 session via skype or zoom to chat, 24/7 text – 24/7 scheduled meeting request (only because I do have to sleep).  This is ONLY for the first 5 to sign up.  Regular prices are $1200 for the 12 week program and $400/month for follow up sessions.

I am 100% engaged on teaching you how to have a new relationship with food and never diet again in you life.  Never throw up again.  Never starve again.

Contact me.  I know this.  It took me 30  years to figure it out.  IT IS DOABLE!!

Hugs,

LaurieAnn

What is Love? I want my Peter Pan :)

Terry, My best Friend

The most part of releasing yourself of the whole psychotic love issue is to meet someone real.  Someone who is not going to judge you.  Someone you can find that fits proper in your life.  Now this is intesting.

MY PETER PAN ME SYNDROME THAT I LOVE AFTER THE MONEY FOCUS MAN 🙂

Two years after leaving my ex I met a great man.  Toy man. Off Roading, camping, you name it.  Appeared to not care about money… in the “money  money grab way…” BUT… he liked money and I believe that when I left him with a plan to see if money wasn’t the issue ( I had quite a bit at the time) , even if I love his Peter Pan attitude, he left me when I lost my money for his rich ex-girfriend…. life was a perfect of me finding my true Peter Pan…. I thought… but he wasn’t my true Peter Pan.  Peter Pan doesn’t care about money that way…. and let me say… that way.  It’s not a true Peter Pan.  Peter Pan doesn’t care if you have money.

To make things clear.  I did marry my Knight in Shining Armour.  He made things right for my children with him…  but Not ever again my “Prince in Shining Armour”… Joke… Pewk… Doesn’t exist.  I will not elaborate… (but as said…did birth 3 perfect children for him… LOL)  Birth vessel commitment done… move on…

So to my two year man… he was my best friend… was not my Peter Pan… he was “Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Had a Girlfriend Couldn’t Keep Her, Kept her in Pumpkin Shell and There He Did Not Keep Her Well”.  Still best friend, but it was a crazy jealousy issue too.  Still care for him, always a best friend… but that psychotic love ended… and with him, my psychotic love ended and then I looked for my true Peter Pan.

Two years ago I found my perfect fit… I thought.  And was at the time.  He just wanted to be with me.  He would send me text messages that reminded me of when I was a kid when I had a guy friend.  It wasn’t sexual (well… not out of choice… not to be shared here).  It was just like “wanna play butter cup?”  I loved his texts asking me to come over…

I am an adult of 50 something and that was awesome.  I’m like a Peter Pan female version.  Truth be known, my TBear was the first time I felt comfortable in my “adulting NOT” life.  I know I have responsibilities to my children, and to my retirement funds not to have my children have to deal with that, and all the insurance that goes along with this. I pay into it. But TBear was awesome. I didn’t have to feel all that.  We just hung out. It was awesome…. and he reminded me of a memory… of…

I remember when… Best friend like the one across the street or two doors down that asked to come and play when you were 7 years old.  Made me forget I had to worry about anything.  Okay, that 7 year old best friend was the same friend that put me under the bus when he found a Playboy magazine and asked me to look at it with him.  Yes, we were 7 and I don’t know where he found it, but his mother found us!! And he said I found the magazine… I took the hit…

But.. back to my story of TBear. I lost him.  He kept telling me he was dying and I laughed and told him to stop saying that.  I taught him to dance, took him out to dinner (he was reclusive), he met my parents, my children, I met his daughters.  He was my best Peter Pan ever.  Never wanted to grow up, but life made him.  I guess more of the movie that Peter Pan grew up in “Hook”.

I relate to it.  He had 3 daughters.  I have 2 boys and a daughter.

And both of us were miffed by parenthood and adulting, although we did it. Not perfectly, but we tried our best.

TBear made my life real, in the fact that I realized that all parents question everything we do to our children, but then live this world, in a divorce scenario, that Disney is not real, so we go back to our Peter Pan world.  I’m so okay with that.

In Hook he did it….  God bless Robin Williams…. that movie is all about adults getting back to Peter Pan.   Love it…

I like my freedom to do what I want when I want.  I did my part of being a mother and taking care of all that and this.  But my children are self-sufficient now.  They can live with me, I am okay with that,  but MY life is now mine.

And so I met a new Peter Pan… and he is just awesomely great company.  And he was with lost boys the whole time!  Who knew that Peter Pan actually exists without the Hook version.  Just one thing… now that I found my exactly right Peter Pan…  honest… run away… come back… free… when he shows up he does… doesnt’… K cool 🙂

I’ll spend time with you when you want… I found him…  the REAL Peter Pan

So, I like my Peter Pan. 🙂

Simple…….

No Psychotic Love in this friendship… just understanding… and simple honesty and that simplicity could actually work in a relationship… but seriously?… the word “relationship” is too scary… friendship is nicer… and ever better …. Peter Panners…. no commitment…. but always friendship… love this this.

Hugs R… This is dedicated to you… and Tbear…. simple best across the street friends, like it used to be… 😉

Cricket….  my TBear called me that…No else knows this… but I think R will find out.

It’s about honesty, freedom, friendship, and simplicity and never FORGET… FUN!!! 🙂

.. Peter Pan.

 

Existing

It was interesting.  I recently decided to go through my letter box and photo albums.  Strangely enough there were letters I wrote and never sent.  One I found intriguing that I want to share.  The letter was this:

Relfection – upon life, the future, the past.  Time passing.  Struggling to make time a friend, to alter my perception of it as a foe – as a theif.  I fear it, creating perpetual thoughts of what was, wishing I could embrace that which was and return.  I long to be in that place where mother’s hand was smooth, where not yet had developed the creases in Dad’s forehead.  Time then had not yet sucked the moisture out of life.

I want to be a child held and loved.  When mother kissed a bruise and softly swept a tear away.  But in knowing this impossibility, I give my son what I long for.  I hold him close and caress his soft plump skin.  Embracing him is embracing life.  So close – yet I feel so far.  As though I do not exist – or should not exist – or should not exist in his life.

I sit and watch my husband and son and feel so removed from them.  This creates a sense of non-being.  I ache at this.  My heart feels torn – irreparable – until the small child reaches and asks for a hug.

Emotionally I consider myself the equivalent of yo-yo.  I fall and rise just as quickly.  My ability to deal with stress is quite pitiful.  I somehow transform into a self-destructive monster filled with inner turmoil.  This inner turmoil – like a hungry creature – eats at my insides.  To satisfy this hunger, I eat.  I try to fill the void – to feed the creature.  Then I purge my soul.

Oh, it didn’t start that way.  I started swallowing food at a very young age – to avoid humilitation caused by sitting at the kitchen table hours after everyone else had left… because I had to finish everything on my plate, but didn’t want to.  Sometimes I just fell asleep.

I don’t know how this would have ended back over 25 years ago when I wrote it, but it was telling for me today.  I am so blessed that I don’t feel any of that anymore.  That I hugged that baby who is now 28 just two days ago and didn’t feel apart, or that I did not exist.  I exist, and I love my life, and I hope that this will help anyone going through what I went through to know, you exist.  To more people than you know.

 

Perfect Parent

I’ve had insightful weekend.  Much of which was spent being lazy and stupid by speaking to my family.  My adult family, may I clearly say.  This adult family I refer to as my parents or sisters.  Not my children.  Definitely not my ex.

I’ve managed, for most of the past few years, to get along with my mother.  My father is easy to get along with for the most part.  He doesn’t like conflict, even more so these days since his third stroke.  He’s still the dad I always knew, but a bit more fragile.

Mom, on the other hand, has always been difficult for me, and I expected, as such, that I would perceived the same with my children.  But there is a difference.

One:

I do not believe myself to have been a perfect mother, and I admit I was not and to my mistakes.

Two:

I could not be like my mother.  She called us hypocratical.  She is.  She still thinks she did the best she could and that we have nothing to complain about.  STOP… true.  But to be perfect means we would not have anything to complain about and every child, for the most part, has something to complain about … about their mother or their father…

What bothered me the most the other night while have a great conversation, but that went sour, was at the end of it my mother asked if I was drunk.  Question was because I called her on telling me I was a failure for not graduating from University with a career oriented degree.  I told I understood that.  She then denied she ever said it.  OK… I continued to say she did… and that DAD went upstairs to my room where I was crying and said she didn’t mean it in that way.  At that age “that way” doesn’t mean a thing.  I graduated.  With a BA.  In Art History and French Minor.  It wasn’t really where I wanted to be to begin with.  I wanted to go to a University to take Journalism.

I did end up with an Honours Journalism Diploma after my University, which I paid for with my own money.

All this was silly, but I just wish she would have admitted to remembering to say that.  Because it hurt.  So did mom and dad not showing up to my graduation.  But that then.

So I tried to explain this I understood why she said it because she wanted the best for me.  She would not listen to that… she only listened to the part that I told her she called me a failure.  SHE DID.  So just admit it.

But no.  She had to accuse me of being drunk.  I finally ended it with telling her I loved her and asked if she loved me?  She didn’t answer.  She hung up.  Nice.

I would never hang up on my children.. and if I did something they are hurting about, and I have, and they have told me… I apologize, and hope they will never duplicate my own failures as a mother… but they do know… biggest and far most… IF THEY ASK ME IF I LOVE THEM??? I would not hesitate to say YES… YES… I LOVE YOU TONS…

It ends a problem with a pillow that you can hold onto…. and know… parents and children will have their ins and outs… and that I likely said something to my children that hurt them… if they tell me?  I would say… I’m so sorry… and explain it if I can… or just be sorry if I can’t.  I like their honesty.  I like that they can talk to me.  Even if it hurts.  But we can’t learn to forgive ourselves for parental mistakes if we can listen to our children and say sorry, or as said explain… and resolve…. and let it go.

Perfect parent?… never… but we try… but we need to listen to our children when they become old enough to talk about their issues… listen, explain or apologize… it’s that simple.

 

The Night My Daughter Left

The Night My Daughter Left

There are times when the feeling of purging comes back to me. But I have to clearify this feeling. It’s not about eating and purging anymore. It’s about feeling the emotion and finding a way to purge them outside of food. I like that I am not bulimic anymore. I hope those who are who are reading this can learn that it is something you can completely overcome.

The feeling of purging emotions is pretty intense, and one that I DID use my bulimia to do. Today I have learned different ways to do so. I will admit I can get into a “funk” and feel as though the world around me is just so exhausting. I feel very tired and emotionally spent.

Lately it has to do with the Troll downstairs. I was so excited when my daughter decided to come back to live with me. But I have a “neighbour” that is intolerant. He is a bully, harasses us all the time, calls us names, etc. We, collectively, as tenants of this beautiful home, have just tolerated it hoping he was going to move out at the end of his lease, which would have been around the time my daughter moved in with me.

Sadly, the Troll decided to stay to make our lives continually a stress. Police will not help. He threatens the Landlady too and she is as bothered by him and frightened for her safety as we are.

After a month of my daugher living with me, she couldn’t tolerate his smoking in the house unit below. It’s in the lease that he cannot smoke inside. But he kept doing it. My daughter retaliated with noise. He then shut off my fridge for five hours, because he has access to the breakers. Understand that my Landlady wants to put a lock on the breakers, but he refuses her access to do so. All this and more has caused grief and I placed my daughter with my sister so she wouldn’t have to deal with this.

Her leaving made me cry many nights and I couldn’t even sleep in my bed which I had her stay in during her stay. Negative energy.

Tonight I gained it back. I decided that I will not take anymore. I have a plan.

Okay, I had the plan since my daughter left, but was consumed by the Troll and HIS negativity. I let him go. And the plans I was putting together for two weeks which consumed me… I put into action and tonight I am sleeping in my bed again. The one I saw my daughter cry in… the last emotion that was in that bed that disallowed me to sleep in it for two weeks. Tonight that ended. And hence I have regained my energy to write, draw, and complete my course on coaching.

Not once did I think of eating and purging, but many times I understood the “ritual” of doing so. I did so in meditation, and breathing. I was accutely aware though of how I could have dealt with all the previous negativities in my life. I don’t regret, but I am so happy that I know how to deal with this stress. I let myself be in a funk, reached out my family and friends (which I never did before), and although it took time, I think two weeks is not too bad!!

I’m back. I miss my daughter, I am so sad she had to leave because of the Troll, but in the end, I think this made me stronger! And I am forever grateful I had her with me for a month.

Well, Troll is smoking again, so I have to close the vents and spray my girly smell down his way.

Hugs to all, and to all a goodnight… my next blog… how Christmas thoughts gave me nausea tonight…. weirdest thing!

Excerpt from bulimiaddict.com which I will keep posting here. 🙂

Anchoring

Recently, as I mentioned in my last post, I have been trained to be a P.R.I.S.M Life Design Coach and also completed my first level NLP Practioner Certification course.  One of the interesting parts of this course was that of anchoring.  This is where you bring yourself to a great feeling, and at the climax of the feeling, you associate it with a gesture, or a movement.  Mine is, like my professor taught me, is to press my thumb on my knuckle.

I am blessed to also be working as a partner with a lady who also knows about anchoring and has helped me find those “happy thoughts” which I associate now with pressing on my knuckle.  These can also be stacked.

This is a great way for people with eating disorders to move their thoughts away from food, or from bulimia, by changing your state.

My coaching sessions, by the way, can be provided virtually.  You can visit www.handwritingspeaksvolumes.com for more information. 🙂

 

New Beginnings and New Look To Site!

I’ve finally managed to transfer my site over to a new service provider.  I had no problem with the last one, but this one has allowed me 5 websites with more power for the fraction of what I was paying for them individually.  It’s always fun to save money, even if you have to put the large payment upfront… but now I’m three years of not having to pay and have fun with new features!

I have been so happy.  Never happier!  I’ve finalized my PRISM Life Design Coaching Program and am focusing on people with eating disorders, along with start up businesses, which I have coached for years.  This program has opened my eyes to so many aspects of coaching and however intense it was, I also made some great friends through the other colleagues who graduated.

I’m also working on getting my Veterinarian Technician Certification.  That is a two year program.  At the end of that I would like to coach pet owners.  My passion has always been animals.  I likely can do this now, but I am learning more in depth information about animal behaviour which will definitely benefit me when working with my clients.

This all works well with my Certification as a Handwriting Analyst and Grapho-Therapist.  If anyone is interested, please contact me.  You can visit my site too at http://www.handwritingspeaksvolumes.com.

Here’s to new beginnings!!