A New Era – A New Podcast – Bleep Bulimia

I was really pleased to have my first guest on my Podcast yesterday. I was searching for guests to speak about alternatives to eating and binging that may attract those in bulimia recovery stage. On my new blog, www.bleepbulimia.com, I have several topics I am going to cover. I am probably pissing a bunch of visitors off at this time because it says “coming soon”. I am going to get through all 30+ of them over the year. I thought I would share this 7th episode, however first one being my guest (with many more to come). I hope you get something out of it! I have added both the Podcast link and the YouTube link here.

When her father, the partriarch of the family, passed away seven years ago, Sandhya used art to get through her grief and the feeling of the family dismantling.  The impact this had on Sandhya inspired her to pursue her studies in art psychotherapy.

Sandhya explained that she internalized her emotions from her loss.  On her graduation  she opened up to her close friends.   She accredits her personal art therapy to her ability to reach that moment where she could release all what was being held inside.

Art spychotherapy helps in reaching deeper levels of the emotions.  The art making process, which entails a variety of mediums, including paper, clay and paint, helps the client to dictate how they feel through their creation.

Asked if this brings out the subconscious thinking,  Sandhya says yes, and sometimes it even surprises her and her client to find out certain things that were “inside”.  This is the first step.

Art can be a great opportunity for those recovering from bulimia with that it is safe, and you are using your hands, and focussing on dealing with your emotions in a more creative way and expressing them through your creation.

For more information about Sandhya or to connect with her you can find her on instagram at @arttherapist_sramautar1 on her YouTube channel at artURnarration.

#bulimia #bulimiarecovery #bulimiaover40 #midlifebulimia #bulimiaover50 #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorders #bullimiaddict #iamthatgal #bulimiacoach #bingepurge #bingeingandpurging #throwup #deceit #hide #lie #food #overeating #bleepbulimia #podcast #itunes #apple #buzzsprout #amazonmusic #alexa #artpsychotherapy #arttherapy #sandhyaramautar #art #claymodel #paperart

Sharing… From My Hampy… and I think you would relate!!

https://hampy.ca/introducing-myself-as-hampys-creator-on-video-totally-scary-lol/

I was looking for my inspiration for Hampy and found This Inspiration

When I was young I watched the show “Too Close For Comfort”.  Father had two beautiful young daughters who lived in the same home, in different apartments.  I loved it for two reasons.  First and foremost… Actor Ted Baxter from previous shows, but this time he created a character and was completely understanding that he engaged with his cartoon character in order to create his cartoon strips.  And the engagement was also about his life. I have one.  His name is Hampy.  He makes me happy… for 40 years now I have been sketching him.. I got his character in the show. 🙂  I understood and still do.

Second thing I loved was that he was fiercely protective of his daughters.

Having said that I am going to post this Youtube.  I believe to some degree in what the older daughters are saying about the casting, but having said that, I have a friend who’s two daughters have made a lot of money off of Youtube and Instagram showing their bodies.  Has this really changed?  And how does it change?

Another point which I will post on my next post.  Best movie ever.  Dumplin.

 

What is Love? I want my Peter Pan :)

Terry, My best Friend

The most part of releasing yourself of the whole psychotic love issue is to meet someone real.  Someone who is not going to judge you.  Someone you can find that fits proper in your life.  Now this is intesting.

MY PETER PAN ME SYNDROME THAT I LOVE AFTER THE MONEY FOCUS MAN 🙂

Two years after leaving my ex I met a great man.  Toy man. Off Roading, camping, you name it.  Appeared to not care about money… in the “money  money grab way…” BUT… he liked money and I believe that when I left him with a plan to see if money wasn’t the issue ( I had quite a bit at the time) , even if I love his Peter Pan attitude, he left me when I lost my money for his rich ex-girfriend…. life was a perfect of me finding my true Peter Pan…. I thought… but he wasn’t my true Peter Pan.  Peter Pan doesn’t care about money that way…. and let me say… that way.  It’s not a true Peter Pan.  Peter Pan doesn’t care if you have money.

To make things clear.  I did marry my Knight in Shining Armour.  He made things right for my children with him…  but Not ever again my “Prince in Shining Armour”… Joke… Pewk… Doesn’t exist.  I will not elaborate… (but as said…did birth 3 perfect children for him… LOL)  Birth vessel commitment done… move on…

So to my two year man… he was my best friend… was not my Peter Pan… he was “Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Had a Girlfriend Couldn’t Keep Her, Kept her in Pumpkin Shell and There He Did Not Keep Her Well”.  Still best friend, but it was a crazy jealousy issue too.  Still care for him, always a best friend… but that psychotic love ended… and with him, my psychotic love ended and then I looked for my true Peter Pan.

Two years ago I found my perfect fit… I thought.  And was at the time.  He just wanted to be with me.  He would send me text messages that reminded me of when I was a kid when I had a guy friend.  It wasn’t sexual (well… not out of choice… not to be shared here).  It was just like “wanna play butter cup?”  I loved his texts asking me to come over…

I am an adult of 50 something and that was awesome.  I’m like a Peter Pan female version.  Truth be known, my TBear was the first time I felt comfortable in my “adulting NOT” life.  I know I have responsibilities to my children, and to my retirement funds not to have my children have to deal with that, and all the insurance that goes along with this. I pay into it. But TBear was awesome. I didn’t have to feel all that.  We just hung out. It was awesome…. and he reminded me of a memory… of…

I remember when… Best friend like the one across the street or two doors down that asked to come and play when you were 7 years old.  Made me forget I had to worry about anything.  Okay, that 7 year old best friend was the same friend that put me under the bus when he found a Playboy magazine and asked me to look at it with him.  Yes, we were 7 and I don’t know where he found it, but his mother found us!! And he said I found the magazine… I took the hit…

But.. back to my story of TBear. I lost him.  He kept telling me he was dying and I laughed and told him to stop saying that.  I taught him to dance, took him out to dinner (he was reclusive), he met my parents, my children, I met his daughters.  He was my best Peter Pan ever.  Never wanted to grow up, but life made him.  I guess more of the movie that Peter Pan grew up in “Hook”.

I relate to it.  He had 3 daughters.  I have 2 boys and a daughter.

And both of us were miffed by parenthood and adulting, although we did it. Not perfectly, but we tried our best.

TBear made my life real, in the fact that I realized that all parents question everything we do to our children, but then live this world, in a divorce scenario, that Disney is not real, so we go back to our Peter Pan world.  I’m so okay with that.

In Hook he did it….  God bless Robin Williams…. that movie is all about adults getting back to Peter Pan.   Love it…

I like my freedom to do what I want when I want.  I did my part of being a mother and taking care of all that and this.  But my children are self-sufficient now.  They can live with me, I am okay with that,  but MY life is now mine.

And so I met a new Peter Pan… and he is just awesomely great company.  And he was with lost boys the whole time!  Who knew that Peter Pan actually exists without the Hook version.  Just one thing… now that I found my exactly right Peter Pan…  honest… run away… come back… free… when he shows up he does… doesnt’… K cool 🙂

I’ll spend time with you when you want… I found him…  the REAL Peter Pan

So, I like my Peter Pan. 🙂

Simple…….

No Psychotic Love in this friendship… just understanding… and simple honesty and that simplicity could actually work in a relationship… but seriously?… the word “relationship” is too scary… friendship is nicer… and ever better …. Peter Panners…. no commitment…. but always friendship… love this this.

Hugs R… This is dedicated to you… and Tbear…. simple best across the street friends, like it used to be… 😉

Cricket….  my TBear called me that…No else knows this… but I think R will find out.

It’s about honesty, freedom, friendship, and simplicity and never FORGET… FUN!!! 🙂

.. Peter Pan.

 

Existing

It was interesting.  I recently decided to go through my letter box and photo albums.  Strangely enough there were letters I wrote and never sent.  One I found intriguing that I want to share.  The letter was this:

Relfection – upon life, the future, the past.  Time passing.  Struggling to make time a friend, to alter my perception of it as a foe – as a theif.  I fear it, creating perpetual thoughts of what was, wishing I could embrace that which was and return.  I long to be in that place where mother’s hand was smooth, where not yet had developed the creases in Dad’s forehead.  Time then had not yet sucked the moisture out of life.

I want to be a child held and loved.  When mother kissed a bruise and softly swept a tear away.  But in knowing this impossibility, I give my son what I long for.  I hold him close and caress his soft plump skin.  Embracing him is embracing life.  So close – yet I feel so far.  As though I do not exist – or should not exist – or should not exist in his life.

I sit and watch my husband and son and feel so removed from them.  This creates a sense of non-being.  I ache at this.  My heart feels torn – irreparable – until the small child reaches and asks for a hug.

Emotionally I consider myself the equivalent of yo-yo.  I fall and rise just as quickly.  My ability to deal with stress is quite pitiful.  I somehow transform into a self-destructive monster filled with inner turmoil.  This inner turmoil – like a hungry creature – eats at my insides.  To satisfy this hunger, I eat.  I try to fill the void – to feed the creature.  Then I purge my soul.

Oh, it didn’t start that way.  I started swallowing food at a very young age – to avoid humilitation caused by sitting at the kitchen table hours after everyone else had left… because I had to finish everything on my plate, but didn’t want to.  Sometimes I just fell asleep.

I don’t know how this would have ended back over 25 years ago when I wrote it, but it was telling for me today.  I am so blessed that I don’t feel any of that anymore.  That I hugged that baby who is now 28 just two days ago and didn’t feel apart, or that I did not exist.  I exist, and I love my life, and I hope that this will help anyone going through what I went through to know, you exist.  To more people than you know.

 

7 Years… and My original postings still live…

https://bullimiaddict.wordpress.com/2018/02/13/7-years-i-made-it-and-i-cant-see-going-back/

Unconditional Self Love, and Equality from another to Equate :)

I posted this on my old site.  I can’t seem to find a way to transfer all my old friends of years and years to this site, so I will continue to post these on both sites. 🙂  Enjoy.

https://bullimiaddict.wordpress.com/2018/01/11/love-equally-unconditionally/

“I have had this fear of loving another in a relationship forever. I think it even stems back to my first love who became my husband then my ex. Then my next love and and again my ex.

Interesting when you take a life design coaching course and extras on the side for NLP practices advanced and drawing courses to extend that mental thought and creativity.

It brought me to a very real thought. Over the past 13 years I have been learning to love myself unconditionally. It’s weird I know but most of us don’t. We can love our children that way or our parents that way. Siblings fall into a grey zone I learned.

But self. That unconditional love is the most important.

So back to fearing loving another in a relationship. I’ve changed my views. I am not afraid but I am definitely particular.

I will not engage anymore unless the person loves themselves as unconditionally as I do me and me them and them me. And I want equal love.

I will never love more anymore then someone loves me or allow someone to love me more than I love them.

It’s a big ticket to ask for. In the interim… I am happy single. ????? and loving me. Unconditionally.”

Love Equally Unconditionally

 

I have had this fear of loving another in a relationship forever. I think it even stems back to my first love who became my husband then my ex. Then my next love and and again my ex.

Interesting when you take a life design coaching course and extras on the side for NLP practices advanced and drawing courses to extend that mental thought and creativity.

It brought me to a very real thought. Over the past 13 years I have been learning to love myself unconditionally. It’s weird I know but most of us don’t.  We can love our children that way or our parents that way. Siblings fall into a grey zone I learned.

But self. That unconditional love is the most important.

So back to fearing loving another in a relationship. I’ve changed my views. I am not afraid but I am definitely particular.

I will not engage anymore unless the person loves themselves as unconditionally as I do me and me them and them me. And I want equal love.

I will never love more anymore then someone loves me or allow someone to love me more than I love them.

It’s a big ticket to ask for. In the interim… I am happy single. 🤗🤗😋😉😊 and loving me. Unconditionally.

***And by the way a note to my followers.  I AM still posting here, but I do have my bullimiadict.com site up and running too.  Please feel free to join me there and let me know if you want me to post anything.  It gets added to my twitter and facebook page accounts.  Hugs to all!!

Why Can’t She Just Forgive? Letter to Mom…

I have played this conversation with you Mom for years. For approximately 15 years. Since you told me I should have stayed with him. No matter what. Tonight I need purge in words why I have not been able to talk to you, nor speak my speech which will follow.

Mom, I can’t talk to you. I try, but you get so emotional, which when I was a child you told me was wrong, and you get angry, which you told me as I child I should never do. You tell me that your family was perfect and loving except for your dad and you hated that he drank, and so on and so on. There is no talking to you, or sharing my inner thoughts because you just accuse me of being overly emotional and such, everything you are.

So for many years, I have kept things inside, which ultimately part of that was my bulimia. I ate what I wish I could share with you or anyone else, but felt it was never appropriate and I should be the better person and let it go. I did. Many times. I ate those emotions then purged them. For 30 years I did that. I won’t any more.

And here I am writing in cyberspace what I want to tell you, but can’t because I know if I do it will end up like it always has. An emotion war. And I love you too much to cause that, but I am waving a white flag by writing here tonight my speech to you. What I say here, I have seen, by going back, to be something I have wanted to say, but today I am healthier in my spirit and my mind, but I still will NOT, until, maybe the time will be right, to say what is pursuant to this introduction, in person.

Dear Mom,

I am 55. The other day I heard your cry for my forgiving my eldest sister for her involvement with my ex-husband, which was the reason for leaving him. I can’t tell you how I feel, because I don’t think you will ever understand. You never asked me about my pain. You just wanted me to forgive. I know you were angry that I left my ex because of her, seeing how you endured maybe worse, but I did you a favour. Just imagine Christmas time with my ex and me there and her and you and dad. Your daughter. The same one that betrayed you with dad.

I often would like to ask you if your sister betrayed you with your father, and then had relations with Dad if you would have stayed? You almost left him for his drinking, yet you would stay with him knowing he betrayed you with having intimate relationships with your sister? And you would forgive her? and you forgive her for betraying you with your father?

You keep so close to her, and take her side. I don’t get it. You never once asked me how I FELT!!! You just knew I was a better person and expected me to be the one to forgive, let it all pass behind me, even when her apology was empty with any sort of emotion, and it was all about her having to apologize (this after 7 years of not doing so) because we were going on a trip as a family. I only accepted for your benefit. But everything changed at that point. She tried to befriend me, and yet, she had no remorse.

I got a call two years after the trip. I still wasn’t feeling right, but this made it apparent as to why I wasn’t. One of my children called in pain, and hurt, and wanted to know the truth about the father and the aunt. I said “I can’t tell you the truth. It has never really been admitted but by one party who just said it was selfishness”. I said to ask the father. My child did and the father admitted that it was an affair and my child texted back to advise me of his admission. That child endured severe struggles in life which the father did not share with me. He never did. It as part of his controlling our children and keeping them away from me.

I am at peace with his trying to keep my children away. I am truly so.. Sad, but knew it was out of my control. But I am not okay anymore with my knowledge that this sister caused deeper pain than to just me.

And hence, as Jesus didn’t hang around the Pharasees albeit He forgave them, I am NOT Jesus, but as much as I can forgive and let go, I also want to let go and choose not to be around a negative force. Some people say this sounds “religious”. I say it makes sense what Jesus did. THAT sister was religious. I am not. I just believe Jesus said it as it was. Adn that I choose not to be around those who hurt me and scorned me is my right. I understand loving those who love me and being around those who love me, and forgiving those who hurt me, but not wanting them around me. It’s that simple.

It was shared with me tonight that that sister, whom I just see as person I need to forgive and remove from my life, asked someone to tell me to grow up and let it all go. I was amazed by this. I’m not sure how I really feel. I just said in my mind that it “balls” to tell someone to let go when they themselves were the one that created the situation of unrest, and have no true conscience or empathy of what they did! It was monumental in lack of empathy!!! Which only served to make me not want to be there on Christmas Eve night time. I want to be with my parents when I am happy and feel love and beautiful feelings, not when I feel negativity.

Mom, I understand you. My children have different agreements and values and such. I respect them for that, and feel the pain when they are not in union with each other. This, however, is NOT a normal occurrence and NOT one that you can expect those affected by to just smile and show up and be hey! I love you for messing with my husband and I totally forgive you for messing up my life!! (so to speak.. mom , life is okay… but you get this.) I want to enjoy my time with you, mom, and too dad. And the way I can is to keep peace with me and be with those whom I truly love me and have not betrayed me…. in a big way.

I love you mom. Wish you understood me better. But more so, wish I could talk to you and share my thoughts without you getting all upset. You always said SHE was dad’s and so too the youngest and J and I were yours. But you never listened to me without getting upset. It’s why I will not share with you this.

I love you though Mom!!!

Psychotic Love

https://bullimiaddict.wordpress.com/2017/12/20/why-cant-she-just-forgive-letter-to-mom/

Knowledge of learning to love again

The ghost is me!! and Hampy

Of the three, the one in the middle I divorced happily… the two on either side are always in my heart!

You have the RIGHT to divorce a sister, even if it’s not on paper.  Words cannot explain the betrayal one feels of a sister versus a friend or a stranger.  I learned this.  And today I am fine with it knowing I made MY choice and not all the choices people around me were advising me of or telling me to do… forgive….

I know, forgiveness is what everyone preaches. I have to admit I don’t understand that word. The term “let go and let God”, I understand better, and to keep living my life around people I love. I know that sounds selfish, but in a positive way it truly is. I don’t want to be around an ex- s and ex-h who didn’t bring beauty to my life and in fact caused a lot of emotional chaos! I choose to spend it with the people who DO bring beauty in my life. I can’t say it’s not total unforgiveness. As I said, I’m not even sure of what forgiveness means. I know though that I have never been happier since I CHOSE to NOT have negative energy or people who send out negative emotions when around me… #FREEDOM… And to stop listening to people tell me I have to forgive and forget. It just doesn’t happen that way of which whatever they are thinking when they say it. You have to be your own person and define what all that is. To me? It’s what I wrote earlier. I do not know internally in my heart the definition of forgiveness, but I do know now the internal definition of living away from those who offend you and keeping a very positive force around you… I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

……

I have lately been learning about NLP.  Very interesting.  Neuro Linguistic Programming. The biggest lessons I have been learning is about the subconscious mind and how it will protect you.  It even protects emotions that you may suppress, until you are well enough for them to surface again to deal with.

Lately, there have been many of those suppressed feelings that have come forth, leading me to believe that I am ready for my subconscious to introduce to my conscious mind memories I chose to either forget or bury in my brain.

It’s freeing.  It’s wonderful, and overwhelming a bit, but my subconscious mind is giving me tid bits at a time.

I feel alive again.  I am feeling the love again, the reaching out.

I will say I am recluse for the most part, always enjoyed my solitude.  But it’s feeling different now.  It’s feeling like it’s more by choice then by reasons of the past.  Freeing.