Dear Whoever

But the address on your envelope is the one it went to.  I didn’t feel like writing today… by hand.  I wanted to type.  Because for the first time in a long time, I didn’t want to be on this earth today.  I felt so overwhelmed by my son. By my sister. I shot a verbal gun bigger than hers was to me.  I felt like I had just been shot a hole in my heart and sent one back… but as big as she shot at mine, mine to her was bigger.  I couldn’t take back that shot…. There’s no bullet you can remove when the gun that was shot is a gun that holds not a metal piece, but words.

Vengeful words don’t make anyone feel good.  In fact, I hurt myself more than anything and I just felt like I would be better not being on this earth having hurt one person who means to world to me…

Funny though not. 

This feeling of being not good enough started with my adopted sister.  Called me a liar, immature love.

It was like… I was manifesting all this??? Time to turn THAT around!!

What I learned from this, which I am turning around and manifesting love and money!! ? is this:

Everyone hurts in different degrees.  And sometimes people hear what they want to hear.  Sometimes they forget what they want to.  Sometimes a word from someone to another will strike a chord that automatically shoots the arrow back.

We are selfish beings.  And we are selfless beings.  Some of us.  And when the selfless goes up against the selfish part of our being, it causes a very big controversy, a contradiction, and at times ammunition was thrown out by our internal struggle to not know what is the right way to handle this at this time??

For some it’s verbal, some it’s physical, some both.  To some, the internal controversy and the wanting to let it out but cannot at that moment remains internal until a volcano explodes.  And when it does, it’s never right.  Quite often, it’s not at the right time.  The question here is?  Is there ever a right time?

I was told I needed counseling.  My family needed counseling.  How funny this is.  Seriously, what amount of counseling can heal the internal scars, be they from words, or from bruises, or from simply not saying anything?

Someone asked me tonight.  “Did you ever do anything as mean as you have been done to?”.  It would be lying to say no.  I am very sure and have been reminded, even if I didn’t want to remember, of yes, the hurt I have caused to others.  I am seriously not perfect, and I remember most of the verbal attacks I sent out there that would have caused pain to people I love.

I have tried to tone this down over the years, but now and again, that little LaurieAnn throws up her thoughts and words.  Maybe it would have been better kept in her bulimia.  Those things that she ate and threw up, never for anyone to know about.

I remember the one time that I threw out my words was a night I drank, and ate, and didn’t throw up the food because I couldn’t find the outlet to do it… so then?.  Did I ever throw out the words?

Sometimes I wish there was a word pillow in front of my mouth.  I am not nearly as open to my exact feelings to acquaintances as I am to the people I love the most.  I tend to be very careful about the frail people who don’t speak their minds but really can target the loved ones that send me truths without any filters and then I just barrel back aim and shoot it.  Part of me regrets it, but part of me doesn’t because my salted wound came from them and I want them to feel the same pain that I felt.  There are times however though, I can be as insensitive as they are, and even worse.

What is the moral of this story?  There isn’t one.  We do what we do. 

My bulimia saved me from saying more than I should have but didn’t save me from releasing my internal anxiety, pain, thoughts.  Now I have no filter.  I just say it.  When I can.  Or I hide alone at home so that I won’t succumb to people’s judgments.  Happy alone.  The bliss that I never have to be hurting anyone.

Time to turn off the telephones.. LOL.

I have never been good enough to the people close to me.  Maybe it’s why I like people online.  They don’t judge me.  They never held me.  They never expected anything from me but to turn on my computer and say hi online.  A simple life.  And my dogs?  They love me no matter what.  And my cats?  They’re just funny and loving too.  And none of my pets ever judge me.  Just love me.

In my passionate moments, my voice rises.  They say “don’t yell at me”.  To me, it’s not yelling.  It’s crying out.

My pain.

Do I not know that the person on the other side has pain?  Yes, I do, but if you are going to throw yours at mine, expect me now that I am no longer bulimic to throw my back.  Alternatively, I can always eat mine up again and throw down the toilet.  But that is a world I don’t ever want to be a part of again.

Ever.

And as much as others won’t, have a hard time, question their love for me?  I love me.  And that is the most important thing I HAVE TO REMEMBER.  And if something is upsetting me, I HAVE TO LEARN to just say goodbye.  Not forever, but until I can process the pain of what has been shared.  No matter how long that goodbye has to last. 

Maybe it’s time to understand that is what my son is going through.  Maybe today that was a lesson for me.  To understand HIS pain.  And let go.

2020 Hindsight to Foresight

 

I really can’t believe it’s going to be 9 years next month that I have recovered from bulimia, and now recovering from being a wino. Yes, I like wine. I don’t like liquor, but I like wine. For years I romanced it, and even made it my best friend that I looked forward to seeing after work and sharing my meal with.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. Much like my relationship with food was one of distraction when I had to work too much. I could be at my computer doing something I really didn’t want to do, and snack at the same time, something I liked to do. It made the work and the time go by faster, but it also made me feel gross and full, and in the end, polluted. So I would cleanse.

There are so many myths about bulimia, and I think too about wine. I sometimes think that the emotional attachment and the almost “humanization” of them are rather interesting. Some would say odd, but I would say interesting, having lived both those roles.

I like to take the 2020 hindsight and apply it to the 2020 foresight. I can actually do that now knowing what I know!

Interesting fact. I am one vice away from being the person I want to be. That is to stop smoking. But here is the thing. If you look at my pattern, all the “addictions” I have had have been related to hand to mouth actions. Some call this oral fixation, however that word has been tainted somewhat so I prefer the “hand to mouth”. Even without my wine, I still have my non-alcoholic beverages in a cup near me at all times that I can. As far as food, I eat 5 times a day. Small portions, but it allows me to do the hand to mouth, and I love a little bowl of trail mix because that action lasts longer.

With this realization, I am keen on figuring out the “quit smoking” strategy.

As I progress through life, I am noticing more and more about my actions. I stop to take a sip and a thought goes through my head. It’s like a pause. Just like my cigarette. It’s a pause. A snack is a pause.

I will write further to this thought. I am intrigued as to where it will take me. Foresight. 🙂

A sober Cry

It seems bizarre. Surreal, I suppose.

Tonight I cried the first sober cry in perhaps over a decade and a half. The feeling shook me. There I was, after watching a compelling movie, Life Itself, and the tears were real, the feeling so vibrant. I was as aware of the pain, and the sobs as if I was immersed in water. The letting go to my inner turmoil, my memories, my thoughts, my aches, my regrets, my worries, my denials. They all created a volcano that erupted in not just sobs, but an outright cry. A loud cry. Something I have not done for years.

I have not had a drink for three months now. I decided I would say goodbye to the sidekick to my bulimia (although not as consistent, but enough that it was time to say goodbye). Wine, like bulimia, is a mood changers. Only unlike bulimia, wine makes me more sensitive, and lower inhibitions, so it makes crying easier.

As I write this, I am still feeling the torrent of emotions welling through my body. I am still in disbelief of this awareness of this being the first sober cry in years! It was a compelling truth. I don’t cry really when I haven’t had a glass of wine, and I have had my wine during times when crying would have otherwise been hidden behind the facade of being strong. Hence, it was not a sober cry.

You know how they say when you die that your life flashes before you? In this case, it did just that, only I wasn’t dying. (Well, we all are, but you understand – at that moment I wasn’t dying). It was like moments of all the past 30 years just shot through my body to my head and back to my body, darting through my heart, my mind, my brain.

I felt all the pain I have for the love in my life, the love that was lost, the love that is there today that I have been denying and closing out. It is like facing this mirror and wondering what the hell? Where was all this hidden and the knowing why it was and wondering if it had all served me well to choose to just build that wall that I so despise when it finds a light that shines through it, as it does and has to, because I do care and I do love.

I just don’t want to. I don’t want to acknowledge love. I don’t want to acknowledge that inside I am so fearful of it because I know it goes away. One way or the other, it dies. And when it does it hurts more than anything in the world.

A mortal reality.

” Listen to me. Rigo, you have had many ups and downs in your life. Too many. And you will have more. This is life. And this is what it does. Life brings you to your knees. It brings you lower than you think you can go. But if you stand back up and move forward, if you go just a little farther, you will always find love. I found love in you. And my life, my story, it will continue after I’m gone. Because you are my story. You are your father’s story. Your uncle’s. Rigo, my body fails me, but you are me. So you go now, give me a beautiful life. The most beautiful life ever. Yeah? And if life brings us to our knees, you stand us back up. You get up and go farther, and find us the love. Will you do that? “

Quote from the movie “Life Itself”

8 Years Recovered

I am writing this blog today to say “YEAH!”

38 years ago, I embarked on a not so great journey in the world of eating disorders. At 18, I was introduced to bulimia by a friend of mine.

I don’t want to go into all the details. I am sure in my 489 other posts, somewhere along this blog, I have covered a lot of the history and the stories that transpired.

I will be sharing more, as I proceed, but these will be more in line with recovery.

A PRISM Life Design Coach now, I am helping others find the way to recovery. There are no strict rules in my coaching. But there is a vast amount of information that is shared to help along the way.

I have made a small video below, introducing myself. I will be updating this blog to reflect my new life, my new journey, and my new aspirations.

Better to recover sooner, but it is never too late to recover.

Cheers!!

Sharing… From My Hampy… and I think you would relate!!

https://hampy.ca/introducing-myself-as-hampys-creator-on-video-totally-scary-lol/

Ready for a New Relationship For 2021?

I got it.  I realised that after taking a coaching course, and wondering how I could help people with eating disorders,  I got it.

So are you ready for 2021?  And creating a new relationship?  With food.

Yes… I mean that.  A new relationship with food, that will change your life and your relationship with YOU.  

If you are interested in finding a new way of looking at a relationship with food, contact me.  I can coach you through 12 weeks at 50% off , if you are one of the first 5 to sign up (that’s a $1200 value for only $600).  If you like my process, then there will be a fee of $300 per month there after, which will include, as per this first offer, 1 one on 1 session via skype or zoom to chat, 24/7 text – 24/7 scheduled meeting request (only because I do have to sleep).  This is ONLY for the first 5 to sign up.  Regular prices are $1200 for the 12 week program and $400/month for follow up sessions.

I am 100% engaged on teaching you how to have a new relationship with food and never diet again in you life.  Never throw up again.  Never starve again.

Contact me.  I know this.  It took me 30  years to figure it out.  IT IS DOABLE!!

Hugs,

LaurieAnn

I was looking for my inspiration for Hampy and found This Inspiration

When I was young I watched the show “Too Close For Comfort”.  Father had two beautiful young daughters who lived in the same home, in different apartments.  I loved it for two reasons.  First and foremost… Actor Ted Baxter from previous shows, but this time he created a character and was completely understanding that he engaged with his cartoon character in order to create his cartoon strips.  And the engagement was also about his life. I have one.  His name is Hampy.  He makes me happy… for 40 years now I have been sketching him.. I got his character in the show. 🙂  I understood and still do.

Second thing I loved was that he was fiercely protective of his daughters.

Having said that I am going to post this Youtube.  I believe to some degree in what the older daughters are saying about the casting, but having said that, I have a friend who’s two daughters have made a lot of money off of Youtube and Instagram showing their bodies.  Has this really changed?  And how does it change?

Another point which I will post on my next post.  Best movie ever.  Dumplin.

 

Exciting Life After Bulimia!

I am so sorry I have not been blogging here as often as I should through my journey of being non-bulimic.  It has been a wonderful transition into this world of commitment to a job, and still loving my entrepreneurial spirit.

So much has happened over the soon to be 8 years of this bulimia free world.  I have found out so much about myself.  I had to.  There is no more hiding behind a curtain.

I am now 56.  I found a great male friend and feel completely comfortable with myself with him, even with my age, my teeth that are not perfect from almost 30 years of bulimia.

I have found myself in so many ways.

I won’t lie though.  I feel sometimes that the fact that I still smoke and that I still like to have wine, I sometimes feel… like I haven’t erased the whole portion of my addictions of life.  They are not as destructive as my bulimia was with me.  But I still find that these not so nice friends in my life that can possibly allow me to not focus to my best ability.

I think this post has been the most painful for me, because as much as I have given up my bulimia. I have to be honest… I have still more demons to fight.

Why?  It’s embedded in my brain.  But slowly but surely through my coaching courses, and my life design and ideal scene, all this is dissipating.  Smoking less, drinking less and focusing on my future, in so many positive ways.

So as much as I am sharing tonight …. and thank you for reading, if you have come this far… I will not give up…. giving up… the challenges of that which can hold you back.

I keep to my journey of moving forward.  If I can completely negate bulimia from my life… next step… the rest.  And this is where I will find the ONE ME I want to be.  And that…

If you want to join me in the 90 Day Challenge?  Come along.  And for those who are still fighting bulimia?  Seriously, you will fight it… best program ever!! And with community and openness and from home!!  Trust me, I know that part. 🙂

Hugs and hope you consider this.  More information on http://www.prismcoach.ca. and too will be on Handwritingspeaksvolumes.com.  By the way?  If you want a handwriting analysis and some grapho-therapy?  I would love to do that for you.  Cost?  Yes, but just for my time.  Average report? $500.  What would it mean to you?  I would do it for you for $45.  And seriously, considering I spent $10,000 over the years to study and graduate from this and my coaching course, I think this is fair.

Curious?… email me.  My personal email address? zooglingcj@hotmail.com.  Business address prismcoach.ca@gmail.com.

Big HUGS!!!

LaurieAnn

Anti-MakeUp, Model Marketing, Plastic

Pro …. SELF

 

What is Love? I want my Peter Pan :)

Terry, My best Friend

The most part of releasing yourself of the whole psychotic love issue is to meet someone real.  Someone who is not going to judge you.  Someone you can find that fits proper in your life.  Now this is intesting.

MY PETER PAN ME SYNDROME THAT I LOVE AFTER THE MONEY FOCUS MAN 🙂

Two years after leaving my ex I met a great man.  Toy man. Off Roading, camping, you name it.  Appeared to not care about money… in the “money  money grab way…” BUT… he liked money and I believe that when I left him with a plan to see if money wasn’t the issue ( I had quite a bit at the time) , even if I love his Peter Pan attitude, he left me when I lost my money for his rich ex-girfriend…. life was a perfect of me finding my true Peter Pan…. I thought… but he wasn’t my true Peter Pan.  Peter Pan doesn’t care about money that way…. and let me say… that way.  It’s not a true Peter Pan.  Peter Pan doesn’t care if you have money.

To make things clear.  I did marry my Knight in Shining Armour.  He made things right for my children with him…  but Not ever again my “Prince in Shining Armour”… Joke… Pewk… Doesn’t exist.  I will not elaborate… (but as said…did birth 3 perfect children for him… LOL)  Birth vessel commitment done… move on…

So to my two year man… he was my best friend… was not my Peter Pan… he was “Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Had a Girlfriend Couldn’t Keep Her, Kept her in Pumpkin Shell and There He Did Not Keep Her Well”.  Still best friend, but it was a crazy jealousy issue too.  Still care for him, always a best friend… but that psychotic love ended… and with him, my psychotic love ended and then I looked for my true Peter Pan.

Two years ago I found my perfect fit… I thought.  And was at the time.  He just wanted to be with me.  He would send me text messages that reminded me of when I was a kid when I had a guy friend.  It wasn’t sexual (well… not out of choice… not to be shared here).  It was just like “wanna play butter cup?”  I loved his texts asking me to come over…

I am an adult of 50 something and that was awesome.  I’m like a Peter Pan female version.  Truth be known, my TBear was the first time I felt comfortable in my “adulting NOT” life.  I know I have responsibilities to my children, and to my retirement funds not to have my children have to deal with that, and all the insurance that goes along with this. I pay into it. But TBear was awesome. I didn’t have to feel all that.  We just hung out. It was awesome…. and he reminded me of a memory… of…

I remember when… Best friend like the one across the street or two doors down that asked to come and play when you were 7 years old.  Made me forget I had to worry about anything.  Okay, that 7 year old best friend was the same friend that put me under the bus when he found a Playboy magazine and asked me to look at it with him.  Yes, we were 7 and I don’t know where he found it, but his mother found us!! And he said I found the magazine… I took the hit…

But.. back to my story of TBear. I lost him.  He kept telling me he was dying and I laughed and told him to stop saying that.  I taught him to dance, took him out to dinner (he was reclusive), he met my parents, my children, I met his daughters.  He was my best Peter Pan ever.  Never wanted to grow up, but life made him.  I guess more of the movie that Peter Pan grew up in “Hook”.

I relate to it.  He had 3 daughters.  I have 2 boys and a daughter.

And both of us were miffed by parenthood and adulting, although we did it. Not perfectly, but we tried our best.

TBear made my life real, in the fact that I realized that all parents question everything we do to our children, but then live this world, in a divorce scenario, that Disney is not real, so we go back to our Peter Pan world.  I’m so okay with that.

In Hook he did it….  God bless Robin Williams…. that movie is all about adults getting back to Peter Pan.   Love it…

I like my freedom to do what I want when I want.  I did my part of being a mother and taking care of all that and this.  But my children are self-sufficient now.  They can live with me, I am okay with that,  but MY life is now mine.

And so I met a new Peter Pan… and he is just awesomely great company.  And he was with lost boys the whole time!  Who knew that Peter Pan actually exists without the Hook version.  Just one thing… now that I found my exactly right Peter Pan…  honest… run away… come back… free… when he shows up he does… doesnt’… K cool 🙂

I’ll spend time with you when you want… I found him…  the REAL Peter Pan

So, I like my Peter Pan. 🙂

Simple…….

No Psychotic Love in this friendship… just understanding… and simple honesty and that simplicity could actually work in a relationship… but seriously?… the word “relationship” is too scary… friendship is nicer… and ever better …. Peter Panners…. no commitment…. but always friendship… love this this.

Hugs R… This is dedicated to you… and Tbear…. simple best across the street friends, like it used to be… 😉

Cricket….  my TBear called me that…No else knows this… but I think R will find out.

It’s about honesty, freedom, friendship, and simplicity and never FORGET… FUN!!! 🙂

.. Peter Pan.