It’s not uncommon for those with bulimia to be in this situation. They put themselves second to last because quite often they are people pleasers and have difficulties in voicing their emotions, thoughts, frustrations, anger.
It seems at times we feel like we always walking on eggshells trying to make sure we can avoid conflict. Even if the conflict lives within us.
Even when we are putting people first, it still seems that we can’t do that right either. It’s a catch 22. If you stand up for what you want, you get reprimanded. If you don’t, you get reprimanded. You are either too demanding, or too nice.
I had a sister willing to help me out with a course. I am not bulimic anymore, so I really feel the emotions when something doesn’t go well. I really do overthink, and I need to get busy doing other things to make sure I can reframe my thoughts. Redirect them.
So back my sister. She is suffering from depression. She was going to drop off the money last Tuesday. She never showed up. She never called. I texted her because I was concerned. Two days later she sent me a brief text saying “I’m tired and hiding”. To that, I didn’t want to sound insensitive and ask her about the money. I just felt it was more important for her to rest. I could always sign up for the next course that would be available in three months. Ten days past and she finally texted me. Again, she said she was tired. I was not about to bring up the issue, but I did. I told her I cancelled. She then started in on me that I was obviously not committed. That not telling her there was a deadline for the money (which I had only found out anyway on that Tuesday she was suppose to show up) meant that I didn’t know how to do business.
The fact that she wasn’t even responding to my concerned texts meant that it was hardly likely that she would respond to a request. She didn’t even respond when I told her I had a buyer for her $1000 cat, but that they wanted more pictures.
Coming full circle is that of putting yourself second. You can’t win. I told her I felt that concern and care for someone you love is more important than business. I put her first. And I got reprimanded for that. And I am overthinking it, so I thought I would write it here to try to resolve my brain thoughts.
It baffles me. Instead of her thanking me for thinking of her and being concerned she just shot not so nice texts. So now I am sitting her making intro videos for my Podcast, and perhaps thankful that I didn’t take her money. It may have ended up in a disaster. Maybe this time, putting myself second, was a blessing.
What experience have you had putting yourself second?