I spent 30 years arguing with Bulimia. She wouldn’t leave my head. I tried so many times. In the end, 30 years later, I got rid of her for good. However she did leave me with some damage.
Over time I managed to realize that you cannot bring back the time or the money that you wasted on her. There is no way that is possible. The fact is that I had to move forward. I had to keep going and realizing that Health was feeling so much better and Time was more appreciative. Exhaustion was happy to take a side step to Energy.
Emotions took time to learn how to function with Bulimia, and in time, they learned how to. They redirected their desire to snuff them with food with more productive methods.
Skin, however, had taken it’s toll over years of dehydration. Even with moisturizing cream, the damage done was done. Skin managed to look less pale though and happier.
Teeth to this day are not really happy with my inability to fight Bulimia sooner. They lost their enamel and the grinding left them smaller. The acid that eroded the enamel also left my teeth vulnerable, and some perished. A high price to pay, but not as high as it could have been.
It’s not to put fear into those reading this still struggling, but it is a fact that Heart was seriously, and likely, the most happy of all. All those heart pounding moments after the purge. There were times I was sure I was going to have a heart attack. From the strain and the dehydration, this was becoming more of a possibility as I moved into my 40s.
Yet it wasn’t the fear of death that helped me stop. It was the realization that I WAS IN CONTROL of ME. Not Bulimia. And that I really did love myself and I loved others enough to STOP! I got away from the negative people in my life, the ones that made me feel I wasn’t good enough. I looked around one day and thought “LaurieAnn, they’re not there anymore! What are doing? You now have your life to live!”
Was it that easy? No. Yet everytime I felt the need to fill a void, I just reached inside and asked myself if I really wanted to keep hurting myself for the pain I was feeling because I allowed someone else to make me feel anger or frustration or hurt?
I am my best friend. I am the only one that is there with me every day. I am the one that decides what I will do next, where I want to go in life. That’s MY decision. No one else’s. And too, it’s my decision how I let others affect me now. At times, being who I am, this is difficult. I can overthink the most minute situation and make it into a big one. I am learning not to do this. Even 10 years later, I am still struggling at times with this, but with the help of others, and breathing exercises, and occupying myself with things I love to do, that overthinking subsides.
F**ck You Bulimia. You took enough of my time, energy and ME away for long enough. NO MORE!!