“Always Be Purging”

“What?”, you say? Yes, I mean it, but I don’t mean in the way you are thinking as a bulimic. I mean that you need to always be purging “stuff” you accumulate to reduce your stress. Some of us tend to hold on to “things”. Believe it or not, this can increase overwhelm and stress, and as Mel Mason, my friend and The Clutter Expert explains, “what you see on the outside, quite often reflects your inside. If your home is cluttered, so is your mind”.

Mel Mason
The Clutter Expert

She writes: “Here’s the deal. You accumulate stuff everyday, so it’s important to make decluttering part of your daily life. I have a motto: “Always Be Purging” or ABP for short.

The best way to make it part of your daily life is to start small with 15 minute increments. The first week do 15 minutes one day. The second week, do 15 minutes two days a week and the third do three days etc.

Your goal is to build up to making time for it everyday, so that it becomes a habit and part of your daily life. 

By becoming consistent with making time to declutter your life, you’ll get to see the accumulation of space that you’re creating. You’ll get the dopamine hit and that will make you want to do more!

One way to help you stay consistent is by putting the 15 minutes in your calendar as an appointment with yourself and treat it with the same importance you would a dr.’s appointment or an appointment with a client. Actually pencil it in and make the time for it. 

The question now is, when are you going to schedule your first 15 minutes with yourself?”

One of the most freeing moments of my life was when I lost my business, and my home. I was living in a 2400 square foot home, the size of which did not include the basement and the huge two car garage. When I lost everything, I was forced to get rid of many material possessions, as I was moving into a 900 square foot apartment. The purge felt good. From there, I moved again and this time the place was 500 square feet. More purging. I finally found a really cute apartment on a lake. This one was 395 square feet. For every move to a smaller space, more “stuff” had to go. The less I had, the lighter I felt.

There are situations when “purging” is a benefit. Not when it comes to eating. However, as Mel has noted, “when it comes to putting order on the outside, you will feel more order on the inside, which helps improve your mindset.”

If you want more information about “decluttering” and a FREE blueprint download please visit Mel’s site at DeclutteringSpaces.com

Putting Yourself Second

It’s not uncommon for those with bulimia to be in this situation. They put themselves second to last because quite often they are people pleasers and have difficulties in voicing their emotions, thoughts, frustrations, anger.

It seems at times we feel like we always walking on eggshells trying to make sure we can avoid conflict. Even if the conflict lives within us.

Even when we are putting people first, it still seems that we can’t do that right either. It’s a catch 22. If you stand up for what you want, you get reprimanded. If you don’t, you get reprimanded. You are either too demanding, or too nice.

I had a sister willing to help me out with a course. I am not bulimic anymore, so I really feel the emotions when something doesn’t go well. I really do overthink, and I need to get busy doing other things to make sure I can reframe my thoughts. Redirect them.

So back my sister. She is suffering from depression. She was going to drop off the money last Tuesday. She never showed up. She never called. I texted her because I was concerned. Two days later she sent me a brief text saying “I’m tired and hiding”. To that, I didn’t want to sound insensitive and ask her about the money. I just felt it was more important for her to rest. I could always sign up for the next course that would be available in three months. Ten days past and she finally texted me. Again, she said she was tired. I was not about to bring up the issue, but I did. I told her I cancelled. She then started in on me that I was obviously not committed. That not telling her there was a deadline for the money (which I had only found out anyway on that Tuesday she was suppose to show up) meant that I didn’t know how to do business.

The fact that she wasn’t even responding to my concerned texts meant that it was hardly likely that she would respond to a request. She didn’t even respond when I told her I had a buyer for her $1000 cat, but that they wanted more pictures.

Coming full circle is that of putting yourself second. You can’t win. I told her I felt that concern and care for someone you love is more important than business. I put her first. And I got reprimanded for that. And I am overthinking it, so I thought I would write it here to try to resolve my brain thoughts.

It baffles me. Instead of her thanking me for thinking of her and being concerned she just shot not so nice texts. So now I am sitting her making intro videos for my Podcast, and perhaps thankful that I didn’t take her money. It may have ended up in a disaster. Maybe this time, putting myself second, was a blessing.

What experience have you had putting yourself second?

What is YOUR WHY?

Today I am sadly “celebrating” a life gone. My niece, my baby sister’s daughter, left this earth one year ago.

If you are bulimic and you keep going, the older you get, the more likely someone is going to be saying the same about you.

I know, this is NOT what you want to hear – it’s the truth. Women over 40 have a much higher chance of dying of a heart attack and other physical issues bulimia causes.

Yes, there is the issue of teeth rotting. There is the issue of spending more money than you really would like to, only to flush it down the toilet.

After you do that purge? Feel your heart. Think of all the people who will miss you when that pounding and over exersion on your heart will finally tell you she’s tired and can’t work anymore.

Find YOUR WHY!!! Find a reason to stop. The best reason is YOU! You may feel that you are not loved enough. Write down all the people who WILL miss you. Write down the reasons for living! Bulimia IS a slow suicide. It IS a slow overdose. It CAN kill you. And the older you get, the more likely it will.

Am I trying to scare you? Absolutely not. I am helping you to be clear about this! And to find you WHY! I am hoping the first “why” is that you want to live, and live a life that is fulfilling!

I am in business with my sister and I realized that we need to pay forward. I am also a Bulimia Recovery Coach and I want to pay forward as well. Our transcription service will be providing $1 to 3 causes. My Bulimia Recovery Coaching services will be providing $50 towards bulimia. My WHY!

NOTE – a purple ribbon is for overdose. And for bulimia…. find your WHY!

Time Lost

As a bulimic, we are so “engrossed” in trying to make everything work in our lives. We are perfectionists with a cause. To ensure that we accomplish everything on our list of expectations.

What we don’t really understand, for those of us who stuggled for years, is that if you add up all the time we spent binging and purging, we wasted time that could have been so much more valuable.

Why? Because for us, this was time to ourselves. But the “ourselves” was not at all that.

I look back sometimes and think “I still lived a full life, so why beat myself up over all those hours lost?” Reality is that it WAS time lost. Not gained.

I am grateful that today I can get up and live a full life everyday. NO I LIE. Not every day. There are still times when my productivity is low, when I just want to lie in bed and not get up. But I have more purpose now knowing that I CAN kick my own butt and when I am UP I am not in the fridge, I am not looking for the next binge. I am up creating yet a new beginning… every day. Without having to live a lie.

Don’t let bulimia steal your time… we never know how much of it we have left, and bulimia doesn’t deserve to own what is… YOU do though!!

Reach out… bullimiaddict@gmail.com

Midlife Bulimia

Eating disorders are not just present in pre-teens and adolescence. Although it has been an issue for many years, the media began to publicize it more in the early 80’s, showing the rise in the number of women and men who acquired the disorder.

Although we would like to think that over time, with all the information and support groups available, that this disorder would have subsided, but in truth it continues to grow.

Keeping in mind that the “frenzy” of articles came out in the 80’s, this would reflect the number of women and men over 40 who are still battling with bulimia. This age group is often passed over and what is also ignored is the fact that at this age, unlike the younger age, they have honed their skills at hiding and creating a false front.

Many will not come out or seek help due to the embarrassment and shame of being over 40 and still struggling.

There is a great concern with this lack of reaching out, as bulimia affects the heart, and as one crosses over 40, there is a greater risk of having a heart attack. There are several other health and emotional issues that become an increased threat as the bulimic gets older.

It is for this reason that my coaching focusses on women and men (yes, the incidences in men is also increasing) over 40, although I do assist all ages. But to me, this is an issue that is often ignored and not given enough attention to.

Reach out to someone. If you are over 40, reach out. It’s never too late to find full recovery, but often it will come sooner and easier with help.

For more information contact confidential email at bulimiacoach@gmail.com

I Am That Gal With I Am That Guy About Bulimia

Dear Whoever

But the address on your envelope is the one it went to.  I didn’t feel like writing today… by hand.  I wanted to type.  Because for the first time in a long time, I didn’t want to be on this earth today.  I felt so overwhelmed by my son. By my sister. I shot a verbal gun bigger than hers was to me.  I felt like I had just been shot a hole in my heart and sent one back… but as big as she shot at mine, mine to her was bigger.  I couldn’t take back that shot…. There’s no bullet you can remove when the gun that was shot is a gun that holds not a metal piece, but words.

Vengeful words don’t make anyone feel good.  In fact, I hurt myself more than anything and I just felt like I would be better not being on this earth having hurt one person who means to world to me…

Funny though not. 

This feeling of being not good enough started with my adopted sister.  Called me a liar, immature love.

It was like… I was manifesting all this??? Time to turn THAT around!!

What I learned from this, which I am turning around and manifesting love and money!! ? is this:

Everyone hurts in different degrees.  And sometimes people hear what they want to hear.  Sometimes they forget what they want to.  Sometimes a word from someone to another will strike a chord that automatically shoots the arrow back.

We are selfish beings.  And we are selfless beings.  Some of us.  And when the selfless goes up against the selfish part of our being, it causes a very big controversy, a contradiction, and at times ammunition was thrown out by our internal struggle to not know what is the right way to handle this at this time??

For some it’s verbal, some it’s physical, some both.  To some, the internal controversy and the wanting to let it out but cannot at that moment remains internal until a volcano explodes.  And when it does, it’s never right.  Quite often, it’s not at the right time.  The question here is?  Is there ever a right time?

I was told I needed counseling.  My family needed counseling.  How funny this is.  Seriously, what amount of counseling can heal the internal scars, be they from words, or from bruises, or from simply not saying anything?

Someone asked me tonight.  “Did you ever do anything as mean as you have been done to?”.  It would be lying to say no.  I am very sure and have been reminded, even if I didn’t want to remember, of yes, the hurt I have caused to others.  I am seriously not perfect, and I remember most of the verbal attacks I sent out there that would have caused pain to people I love.

I have tried to tone this down over the years, but now and again, that little LaurieAnn throws up her thoughts and words.  Maybe it would have been better kept in her bulimia.  Those things that she ate and threw up, never for anyone to know about.

I remember the one time that I threw out my words was a night I drank, and ate, and didn’t throw up the food because I couldn’t find the outlet to do it… so then?.  Did I ever throw out the words?

Sometimes I wish there was a word pillow in front of my mouth.  I am not nearly as open to my exact feelings to acquaintances as I am to the people I love the most.  I tend to be very careful about the frail people who don’t speak their minds but really can target the loved ones that send me truths without any filters and then I just barrel back aim and shoot it.  Part of me regrets it, but part of me doesn’t because my salted wound came from them and I want them to feel the same pain that I felt.  There are times however though, I can be as insensitive as they are, and even worse.

What is the moral of this story?  There isn’t one.  We do what we do. 

My bulimia saved me from saying more than I should have but didn’t save me from releasing my internal anxiety, pain, thoughts.  Now I have no filter.  I just say it.  When I can.  Or I hide alone at home so that I won’t succumb to people’s judgments.  Happy alone.  The bliss that I never have to be hurting anyone.

Time to turn off the telephones.. LOL.

I have never been good enough to the people close to me.  Maybe it’s why I like people online.  They don’t judge me.  They never held me.  They never expected anything from me but to turn on my computer and say hi online.  A simple life.  And my dogs?  They love me no matter what.  And my cats?  They’re just funny and loving too.  And none of my pets ever judge me.  Just love me.

In my passionate moments, my voice rises.  They say “don’t yell at me”.  To me, it’s not yelling.  It’s crying out.

My pain.

Do I not know that the person on the other side has pain?  Yes, I do, but if you are going to throw yours at mine, expect me now that I am no longer bulimic to throw my back.  Alternatively, I can always eat mine up again and throw down the toilet.  But that is a world I don’t ever want to be a part of again.

Ever.

And as much as others won’t, have a hard time, question their love for me?  I love me.  And that is the most important thing I HAVE TO REMEMBER.  And if something is upsetting me, I HAVE TO LEARN to just say goodbye.  Not forever, but until I can process the pain of what has been shared.  No matter how long that goodbye has to last. 

Maybe it’s time to understand that is what my son is going through.  Maybe today that was a lesson for me.  To understand HIS pain.  And let go.

2020 Hindsight to Foresight

 

I really can’t believe it’s going to be 9 years next month that I have recovered from bulimia, and now recovering from being a wino. Yes, I like wine. I don’t like liquor, but I like wine. For years I romanced it, and even made it my best friend that I looked forward to seeing after work and sharing my meal with.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. Much like my relationship with food was one of distraction when I had to work too much. I could be at my computer doing something I really didn’t want to do, and snack at the same time, something I liked to do. It made the work and the time go by faster, but it also made me feel gross and full, and in the end, polluted. So I would cleanse.

There are so many myths about bulimia, and I think too about wine. I sometimes think that the emotional attachment and the almost “humanization” of them are rather interesting. Some would say odd, but I would say interesting, having lived both those roles.

I like to take the 2020 hindsight and apply it to the 2020 foresight. I can actually do that now knowing what I know!

Interesting fact. I am one vice away from being the person I want to be. That is to stop smoking. But here is the thing. If you look at my pattern, all the “addictions” I have had have been related to hand to mouth actions. Some call this oral fixation, however that word has been tainted somewhat so I prefer the “hand to mouth”. Even without my wine, I still have my non-alcoholic beverages in a cup near me at all times that I can. As far as food, I eat 5 times a day. Small portions, but it allows me to do the hand to mouth, and I love a little bowl of trail mix because that action lasts longer.

With this realization, I am keen on figuring out the “quit smoking” strategy.

As I progress through life, I am noticing more and more about my actions. I stop to take a sip and a thought goes through my head. It’s like a pause. Just like my cigarette. It’s a pause. A snack is a pause.

I will write further to this thought. I am intrigued as to where it will take me. Foresight. 🙂

A sober Cry

It seems bizarre. Surreal, I suppose.

Tonight I cried the first sober cry in perhaps over a decade and a half. The feeling shook me. There I was, after watching a compelling movie, Life Itself, and the tears were real, the feeling so vibrant. I was as aware of the pain, and the sobs as if I was immersed in water. The letting go to my inner turmoil, my memories, my thoughts, my aches, my regrets, my worries, my denials. They all created a volcano that erupted in not just sobs, but an outright cry. A loud cry. Something I have not done for years.

I have not had a drink for three months now. I decided I would say goodbye to the sidekick to my bulimia (although not as consistent, but enough that it was time to say goodbye). Wine, like bulimia, is a mood changers. Only unlike bulimia, wine makes me more sensitive, and lower inhibitions, so it makes crying easier.

As I write this, I am still feeling the torrent of emotions welling through my body. I am still in disbelief of this awareness of this being the first sober cry in years! It was a compelling truth. I don’t cry really when I haven’t had a glass of wine, and I have had my wine during times when crying would have otherwise been hidden behind the facade of being strong. Hence, it was not a sober cry.

You know how they say when you die that your life flashes before you? In this case, it did just that, only I wasn’t dying. (Well, we all are, but you understand – at that moment I wasn’t dying). It was like moments of all the past 30 years just shot through my body to my head and back to my body, darting through my heart, my mind, my brain.

I felt all the pain I have for the love in my life, the love that was lost, the love that is there today that I have been denying and closing out. It is like facing this mirror and wondering what the hell? Where was all this hidden and the knowing why it was and wondering if it had all served me well to choose to just build that wall that I so despise when it finds a light that shines through it, as it does and has to, because I do care and I do love.

I just don’t want to. I don’t want to acknowledge love. I don’t want to acknowledge that inside I am so fearful of it because I know it goes away. One way or the other, it dies. And when it does it hurts more than anything in the world.

A mortal reality.

” Listen to me. Rigo, you have had many ups and downs in your life. Too many. And you will have more. This is life. And this is what it does. Life brings you to your knees. It brings you lower than you think you can go. But if you stand back up and move forward, if you go just a little farther, you will always find love. I found love in you. And my life, my story, it will continue after I’m gone. Because you are my story. You are your father’s story. Your uncle’s. Rigo, my body fails me, but you are me. So you go now, give me a beautiful life. The most beautiful life ever. Yeah? And if life brings us to our knees, you stand us back up. You get up and go farther, and find us the love. Will you do that? “

Quote from the movie “Life Itself”

Love Equally Unconditionally

 

I have had this fear of loving another in a relationship forever. I think it even stems back to my first love who became my husband then my ex. Then my next love and and again my ex.

Interesting when you take a life design coaching course and extras on the side for NLP practices advanced and drawing courses to extend that mental thought and creativity.

It brought me to a very real thought. Over the past 13 years I have been learning to love myself unconditionally. It’s weird I know but most of us don’t.  We can love our children that way or our parents that way. Siblings fall into a grey zone I learned.

But self. That unconditional love is the most important.

So back to fearing loving another in a relationship. I’ve changed my views. I am not afraid but I am definitely particular.

I will not engage anymore unless the person loves themselves as unconditionally as I do me and me them and them me. And I want equal love.

I will never love more anymore then someone loves me or allow someone to love me more than I love them.

It’s a big ticket to ask for. In the interim… I am happy single. 🤗🤗😋😉😊 and loving me. Unconditionally.

***And by the way a note to my followers.  I AM still posting here, but I do have my bullimiadict.com site up and running too.  Please feel free to join me there and let me know if you want me to post anything.  It gets added to my twitter and facebook page accounts.  Hugs to all!!