Putting Yourself Second

It’s not uncommon for those with bulimia to be in this situation. They put themselves second to last because quite often they are people pleasers and have difficulties in voicing their emotions, thoughts, frustrations, anger.

It seems at times we feel like we always walking on eggshells trying to make sure we can avoid conflict. Even if the conflict lives within us.

Even when we are putting people first, it still seems that we can’t do that right either. It’s a catch 22. If you stand up for what you want, you get reprimanded. If you don’t, you get reprimanded. You are either too demanding, or too nice.

I had a sister willing to help me out with a course. I am not bulimic anymore, so I really feel the emotions when something doesn’t go well. I really do overthink, and I need to get busy doing other things to make sure I can reframe my thoughts. Redirect them.

So back my sister. She is suffering from depression. She was going to drop off the money last Tuesday. She never showed up. She never called. I texted her because I was concerned. Two days later she sent me a brief text saying “I’m tired and hiding”. To that, I didn’t want to sound insensitive and ask her about the money. I just felt it was more important for her to rest. I could always sign up for the next course that would be available in three months. Ten days past and she finally texted me. Again, she said she was tired. I was not about to bring up the issue, but I did. I told her I cancelled. She then started in on me that I was obviously not committed. That not telling her there was a deadline for the money (which I had only found out anyway on that Tuesday she was suppose to show up) meant that I didn’t know how to do business.

The fact that she wasn’t even responding to my concerned texts meant that it was hardly likely that she would respond to a request. She didn’t even respond when I told her I had a buyer for her $1000 cat, but that they wanted more pictures.

Coming full circle is that of putting yourself second. You can’t win. I told her I felt that concern and care for someone you love is more important than business. I put her first. And I got reprimanded for that. And I am overthinking it, so I thought I would write it here to try to resolve my brain thoughts.

It baffles me. Instead of her thanking me for thinking of her and being concerned she just shot not so nice texts. So now I am sitting her making intro videos for my Podcast, and perhaps thankful that I didn’t take her money. It may have ended up in a disaster. Maybe this time, putting myself second, was a blessing.

What experience have you had putting yourself second?

Where For Art Thou, Romeo?

I remember when I was married, I asked my husband at that time if he could join me for one of my sessions with my psychiatrist to support me. He refused. I felt alone. We were living away from my family, and I had no one else. I thought, him being my husband, he would be more open to help and be involved in my recovery.

When I got married, my husband knew I was bulimic. I didn’t want to go into the marriage without telling him because my previous boyfriend left me after I told him, and I didn’t want to hide. I suppose my idea of a partner was different than what I had hoped for. I believe that when you marry, you are there to support your spouse, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, ’til death do you part. I was so disenfranchised. I felt alone. This feeling did not help in my recovery. It only made it worse.

As someone wanting to recover from bulimia, if you are not in a relationship where you spouse or partner is not supportive, it’s really helpful to have someone who is! I was wrong to hide it from everyone. Once my husband denied helping me (and my parents never offered to, even when they found out I was bulimic), I just thought maybe this was a journey that I had to take alone.

I was so wrong. Looking back, I really should have reached out to someone. Even if it was a penpal. I did have a penpal at the onset of my bulimia, and after two years, she recovered. I didn’t. It took me 30 years.

I heard something tonight, and I really liked it.

This is so true. It was this growth that made me create my bulimia recovery coaching program based on what I went through, and how I succeeded in recovering and not wanting to go back. It also inspired me to finish my book.

You can’t give up. You CAN reach out. You CAN overcome bulimia. I know it. I’ve done it.

Reaching Out

There is one thing that is really hard to do when you are bulimic, particularly if you are over 30. Reach out. Most of the time at this age, it is embarrassing to the person to admit that they have been struggling for some time.

I was 48 before I managed to recover from my bulimia. In my earlier years it seemed easier to reach out for help. It seemed more “natural” when I was in my 20’s. Once I reached over 30 I was too afraid to admit to the fact that I was still struggling. I had had some great periods of time of recovery, however, the maximum was 2 years. I couldn’t seem to really get on track. But the older I got, the harder it was for me to seek support due to my own shame and embarrassment.

At 48 it was not from me reaching out, but my sister reaching out to ME. That was so important. It was thanks to her that I did finally find the freedom and I haven’t looked back. 10 years of recovery.

With all the experience I have, I really wanted to pay it forward. I started my Bulimia Recovery Coaching and with it comes 24/7 contact with me. I am single, and this is my passion, to help others that are afraid to take the steps, whether it’s fear of ridicule, or feeling forced to quit right away, or having an accountability issue.

My coaching is none of that. I don’t judge. I can’t. I’ve been there. I don’t force. I can’t. I know the feeling. I guide, and am there for relief if you are on the edge and just need that voice to say “it’s okay” and change the mindset. I am there, not for you to be accountable to me, but to yourself. But I am there to help you do just that.

If you need to contact me by email, do so at bulimiacoach@gmail.com.

Don’t stay in a cage!! Reach out!

Pre-Holiday Jitters

I remember when I was bulimic, having quite sever holiday jitters. This was particularly an issue when I had been doing very well in my recovery and I just felt as if doom was lurking around the corner. There was the dread of all the food that would be laid out.

My mother is famous for her spreads. The layout is huge with all kinds of what was back then “trigger” foods. Things that I felt I shouldn’t have, and if I did, I had “cheated” somehow.

This jitter is gone. I look forward now to visiting my parents and having the family get together and enjoying my mom’s wonderful cooking. The difference today compared to 10 years ago, is that I don’t deny myself anything. I know how much to put on my plate that will satisfy my hunger. I eat slow, and truly enjoy and savour what is before me.

What freedom there is in having removed the dread from the holidays.

Although this season is a bit of an anomily, considering COVID19, there still will be the celebrations and the food out there. Just remember, if you are going through fear, jitters, or dread, reach out. Talk about it. And once you have completed the evening, or day, or whatever time it is that that “feast” will be presented, call out to someone when you have achieved what you wanted to – to enjoy the company, the food, and not consume your mind with the idea of having to find a place to dispose of what is in your stomach. You can do it and celebrate that achievement. But DO make sure you reach out!!

I am available 24/7 over the holidays if anyone needs to contact me for support. Just email me at bulimiacoach@gmail.com. I will be there.

LA

Incidentally, cibophobia is the fear of food, and to some degree, that is a part of being bulimic. Don’t fret. It is common and it is recoverable.

Time Lost

As a bulimic, we are so “engrossed” in trying to make everything work in our lives. We are perfectionists with a cause. To ensure that we accomplish everything on our list of expectations.

What we don’t really understand, for those of us who stuggled for years, is that if you add up all the time we spent binging and purging, we wasted time that could have been so much more valuable.

Why? Because for us, this was time to ourselves. But the “ourselves” was not at all that.

I look back sometimes and think “I still lived a full life, so why beat myself up over all those hours lost?” Reality is that it WAS time lost. Not gained.

I am grateful that today I can get up and live a full life everyday. NO I LIE. Not every day. There are still times when my productivity is low, when I just want to lie in bed and not get up. But I have more purpose now knowing that I CAN kick my own butt and when I am UP I am not in the fridge, I am not looking for the next binge. I am up creating yet a new beginning… every day. Without having to live a lie.

Don’t let bulimia steal your time… we never know how much of it we have left, and bulimia doesn’t deserve to own what is… YOU do though!!

Reach out… bullimiaddict@gmail.com

Masters in Hiding

Mastering the art of hiding is one of the skills a bulimic hones. As the bulimic moves on in years, this “mastery” becomes more refined. Over time, the signs that may reveal the eating disorder are known all too well, so the bulimic learns ways to make sure that they are not apparent in his/her life.

To the average person, this would be called “deceit”, and there is validity to this perception. But for a bulimic, it is a way of life to protect themselves from being “found out” and the embarrassment, particularly if one has been struggling for years, of having to admit that something has to be done to stop the deceit. The primary reason for this is that the bulimic is not only deceiving others, but more importantly they are deceiving themselves.

Along with deceiving themselves, they are putting so much at risk. The ability to live a “normal” life, to stop the isolation, the lost time, and the exersion of unhealthy ways on the body.

It’s time to come out of the hiding. It’s time to open up and find the freedom you deserve. It’s time to break loose from the chains that deny you a full and happy life.

A bulimic may master the art of hiding the signs of their bulimia so others will not “see” the real anxiety that lurks in the background, but they can never hide it from themselves.

Reach out. There is support. No matter what age you are. There may be a misconception that the longer you have struggled, the harder it is to recover, but this is a fallicy. It can be done. The key is to seek the support and assistance to accelerate the journey towards recovery.

Overwhelm Versus Recovery

If someone is struggling with recovery from bulimia, overwhelm can be one of the top triggers. With overwhelm comes the constant stress and mental turmoil of getting everything done.

Quite often a bulimic is determined to meet everyone else’s expectations. When someone moves into midlife (40+) there are so many balls to juggle, from growing children, their educational needs, their parental guidance and support, be it getting them to sports, letting them take the car. Insurance, mortgage, bills, etc. Then for some there is the balancing as well with career, volunteering and keeping up with the home chores of cooking and cleaning.

So what happens? You look at your list, and become despondent and instead of completing “everything” you turn to a “break” and that break is the “binge and purge”, somehow seen as a reward, that is anything but.

The truth is, a time out for meditation, or reading, or writing, getting out for a walk or anything other to get your mind off the “food” is what “should” occur. However, by this time, our subconscious is trained and used to the alternative method. The BP method.

These are areas that can be overcome with help. Be it someone who can help you to adjust you schedule to be less overwhelming, to prioritize and set aside the time to ensure what it possible gets done, and what can wait, waits or someone to call on when it just becomes an unbearable “groundhog day” of the “have to dos” playing over and over again in your mind.

You deserve a break. But make it a healthy one.

Midlife Bulimia

Eating disorders are not just present in pre-teens and adolescence. Although it has been an issue for many years, the media began to publicize it more in the early 80’s, showing the rise in the number of women and men who acquired the disorder.

Although we would like to think that over time, with all the information and support groups available, that this disorder would have subsided, but in truth it continues to grow.

Keeping in mind that the “frenzy” of articles came out in the 80’s, this would reflect the number of women and men over 40 who are still battling with bulimia. This age group is often passed over and what is also ignored is the fact that at this age, unlike the younger age, they have honed their skills at hiding and creating a false front.

Many will not come out or seek help due to the embarrassment and shame of being over 40 and still struggling.

There is a great concern with this lack of reaching out, as bulimia affects the heart, and as one crosses over 40, there is a greater risk of having a heart attack. There are several other health and emotional issues that become an increased threat as the bulimic gets older.

It is for this reason that my coaching focusses on women and men (yes, the incidences in men is also increasing) over 40, although I do assist all ages. But to me, this is an issue that is often ignored and not given enough attention to.

Reach out to someone. If you are over 40, reach out. It’s never too late to find full recovery, but often it will come sooner and easier with help.

For more information contact confidential email at bulimiacoach@gmail.com

Bulimia Recovery Program

I am finally making my dream come true. To coach those with bulimia towards recovery. For more information about the program go to Bulimia Recovery Program.

The program includes a workbook called How To Have Your Cake And Not Eat It All too.

My focus is on people who are over 40 and still struggling with bulimia. If you are an older bulimic and are searching for support, please contact me.

I Am That Gal With I Am That Guy About Bulimia