A sober Cry

It seems bizarre. Surreal, I suppose.

Tonight I cried the first sober cry in perhaps over a decade and a half. The feeling shook me. There I was, after watching a compelling movie, Life Itself, and the tears were real, the feeling so vibrant. I was as aware of the pain, and the sobs as if I was immersed in water. The letting go to my inner turmoil, my memories, my thoughts, my aches, my regrets, my worries, my denials. They all created a volcano that erupted in not just sobs, but an outright cry. A loud cry. Something I have not done for years.

I have not had a drink for three months now. I decided I would say goodbye to the sidekick to my bulimia (although not as consistent, but enough that it was time to say goodbye). Wine, like bulimia, is a mood changers. Only unlike bulimia, wine makes me more sensitive, and lower inhibitions, so it makes crying easier.

As I write this, I am still feeling the torrent of emotions welling through my body. I am still in disbelief of this awareness of this being the first sober cry in years! It was a compelling truth. I don’t cry really when I haven’t had a glass of wine, and I have had my wine during times when crying would have otherwise been hidden behind the facade of being strong. Hence, it was not a sober cry.

You know how they say when you die that your life flashes before you? In this case, it did just that, only I wasn’t dying. (Well, we all are, but you understand – at that moment I wasn’t dying). It was like moments of all the past 30 years just shot through my body to my head and back to my body, darting through my heart, my mind, my brain.

I felt all the pain I have for the love in my life, the love that was lost, the love that is there today that I have been denying and closing out. It is like facing this mirror and wondering what the hell? Where was all this hidden and the knowing why it was and wondering if it had all served me well to choose to just build that wall that I so despise when it finds a light that shines through it, as it does and has to, because I do care and I do love.

I just don’t want to. I don’t want to acknowledge love. I don’t want to acknowledge that inside I am so fearful of it because I know it goes away. One way or the other, it dies. And when it does it hurts more than anything in the world.

A mortal reality.

” Listen to me. Rigo, you have had many ups and downs in your life. Too many. And you will have more. This is life. And this is what it does. Life brings you to your knees. It brings you lower than you think you can go. But if you stand back up and move forward, if you go just a little farther, you will always find love. I found love in you. And my life, my story, it will continue after I’m gone. Because you are my story. You are your father’s story. Your uncle’s. Rigo, my body fails me, but you are me. So you go now, give me a beautiful life. The most beautiful life ever. Yeah? And if life brings us to our knees, you stand us back up. You get up and go farther, and find us the love. Will you do that? “

Quote from the movie “Life Itself”

Why Can’t She Just Forgive? Letter to Mom…

I have played this conversation with you Mom for years. For approximately 15 years. Since you told me I should have stayed with him. No matter what. Tonight I need purge in words why I have not been able to talk to you, nor speak my speech which will follow.

Mom, I can’t talk to you. I try, but you get so emotional, which when I was a child you told me was wrong, and you get angry, which you told me as I child I should never do. You tell me that your family was perfect and loving except for your dad and you hated that he drank, and so on and so on. There is no talking to you, or sharing my inner thoughts because you just accuse me of being overly emotional and such, everything you are.

So for many years, I have kept things inside, which ultimately part of that was my bulimia. I ate what I wish I could share with you or anyone else, but felt it was never appropriate and I should be the better person and let it go. I did. Many times. I ate those emotions then purged them. For 30 years I did that. I won’t any more.

And here I am writing in cyberspace what I want to tell you, but can’t because I know if I do it will end up like it always has. An emotion war. And I love you too much to cause that, but I am waving a white flag by writing here tonight my speech to you. What I say here, I have seen, by going back, to be something I have wanted to say, but today I am healthier in my spirit and my mind, but I still will NOT, until, maybe the time will be right, to say what is pursuant to this introduction, in person.

Dear Mom,

I am 55. The other day I heard your cry for my forgiving my eldest sister for her involvement with my ex-husband, which was the reason for leaving him. I can’t tell you how I feel, because I don’t think you will ever understand. You never asked me about my pain. You just wanted me to forgive. I know you were angry that I left my ex because of her, seeing how you endured maybe worse, but I did you a favour. Just imagine Christmas time with my ex and me there and her and you and dad. Your daughter. The same one that betrayed you with dad.

I often would like to ask you if your sister betrayed you with your father, and then had relations with Dad if you would have stayed? You almost left him for his drinking, yet you would stay with him knowing he betrayed you with having intimate relationships with your sister? And you would forgive her? and you forgive her for betraying you with your father?

You keep so close to her, and take her side. I don’t get it. You never once asked me how I FELT!!! You just knew I was a better person and expected me to be the one to forgive, let it all pass behind me, even when her apology was empty with any sort of emotion, and it was all about her having to apologize (this after 7 years of not doing so) because we were going on a trip as a family. I only accepted for your benefit. But everything changed at that point. She tried to befriend me, and yet, she had no remorse.

I got a call two years after the trip. I still wasn’t feeling right, but this made it apparent as to why I wasn’t. One of my children called in pain, and hurt, and wanted to know the truth about the father and the aunt. I said “I can’t tell you the truth. It has never really been admitted but by one party who just said it was selfishness”. I said to ask the father. My child did and the father admitted that it was an affair and my child texted back to advise me of his admission. That child endured severe struggles in life which the father did not share with me. He never did. It as part of his controlling our children and keeping them away from me.

I am at peace with his trying to keep my children away. I am truly so.. Sad, but knew it was out of my control. But I am not okay anymore with my knowledge that this sister caused deeper pain than to just me.

And hence, as Jesus didn’t hang around the Pharasees albeit He forgave them, I am NOT Jesus, but as much as I can forgive and let go, I also want to let go and choose not to be around a negative force. Some people say this sounds “religious”. I say it makes sense what Jesus did. THAT sister was religious. I am not. I just believe Jesus said it as it was. Adn that I choose not to be around those who hurt me and scorned me is my right. I understand loving those who love me and being around those who love me, and forgiving those who hurt me, but not wanting them around me. It’s that simple.

It was shared with me tonight that that sister, whom I just see as person I need to forgive and remove from my life, asked someone to tell me to grow up and let it all go. I was amazed by this. I’m not sure how I really feel. I just said in my mind that it “balls” to tell someone to let go when they themselves were the one that created the situation of unrest, and have no true conscience or empathy of what they did! It was monumental in lack of empathy!!! Which only served to make me not want to be there on Christmas Eve night time. I want to be with my parents when I am happy and feel love and beautiful feelings, not when I feel negativity.

Mom, I understand you. My children have different agreements and values and such. I respect them for that, and feel the pain when they are not in union with each other. This, however, is NOT a normal occurrence and NOT one that you can expect those affected by to just smile and show up and be hey! I love you for messing with my husband and I totally forgive you for messing up my life!! (so to speak.. mom , life is okay… but you get this.) I want to enjoy my time with you, mom, and too dad. And the way I can is to keep peace with me and be with those whom I truly love me and have not betrayed me…. in a big way.

I love you mom. Wish you understood me better. But more so, wish I could talk to you and share my thoughts without you getting all upset. You always said SHE was dad’s and so too the youngest and J and I were yours. But you never listened to me without getting upset. It’s why I will not share with you this.

I love you though Mom!!!

Psychotic Love

Why Can’t She Just Forgive? Letter to Mom

Knowledge of learning to love again

The ghost is me!! and Hampy

Of the three, the one in the middle I divorced happily… the two on either side are always in my heart!

You have the RIGHT to divorce a sister, even if it’s not on paper.  Words cannot explain the betrayal one feels of a sister versus a friend or a stranger.  I learned this.  And today I am fine with it knowing I made MY choice and not all the choices people around me were advising me of or telling me to do… forgive….

I know, forgiveness is what everyone preaches. I have to admit I don’t understand that word. The term “let go and let God”, I understand better, and to keep living my life around people I love. I know that sounds selfish, but in a positive way it truly is. I don’t want to be around an ex- s and ex-h who didn’t bring beauty to my life and in fact caused a lot of emotional chaos! I choose to spend it with the people who DO bring beauty in my life. I can’t say it’s not total unforgiveness. As I said, I’m not even sure of what forgiveness means. I know though that I have never been happier since I CHOSE to NOT have negative energy or people who send out negative emotions when around me… #FREEDOM… And to stop listening to people tell me I have to forgive and forget. It just doesn’t happen that way of which whatever they are thinking when they say it. You have to be your own person and define what all that is. To me? It’s what I wrote earlier. I do not know internally in my heart the definition of forgiveness, but I do know now the internal definition of living away from those who offend you and keeping a very positive force around you… I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

……

I have lately been learning about NLP.  Very interesting.  Neuro Linguistic Programming. The biggest lessons I have been learning is about the subconscious mind and how it will protect you.  It even protects emotions that you may suppress, until you are well enough for them to surface again to deal with.

Lately, there have been many of those suppressed feelings that have come forth, leading me to believe that I am ready for my subconscious to introduce to my conscious mind memories I chose to either forget or bury in my brain.

It’s freeing.  It’s wonderful, and overwhelming a bit, but my subconscious mind is giving me tid bits at a time.

I feel alive again.  I am feeling the love again, the reaching out.

I will say I am recluse for the most part, always enjoyed my solitude.  But it’s feeling different now.  It’s feeling like it’s more by choice then by reasons of the past.  Freeing.

Do you live in a box? Love this song. I know I don’t anymore. I live life!!

I used to live I a box. Not anymore.  Colours, live, new beginnings not about stuff about life now. Stuff. Not worth a darn…  no hoarding.  I will live in a tiny house but not a box anymore. 🙂 Big difference.  A big house can be a prison and a small home freedom. ;0 Life is so much better with love, support, and family and friends and animals who love you than stuff…..