Although my book How To Have Your Cake & Not Eat It All Too primarily refers to women, I am very well aware that this “mental illness” is also growing in numbers in men.
I don’t really like to put out the negatives, but I thought this was something I would share to open our eyes. It’s not easy to let it go. It is FREEING to let it go!
I hate divorces. They are just full of ugliness. I divorced because my ex had an affair first with a best friend then with my sister. Stories here tell these tales and how my eating disorder suffered from the control and the issues. I am healed now, but my daughter is not. Not in the eating disorder sense but in the mental health sense in regards to depression. I get a call today from her and I rarely do so I called her right back after my customer left. She is crying and asking if her father really did have an affair with my sister. OMG!! that was like so many years ago and I am so over it and okay with my sister for my parents’ sake. I have moved one and trying to keep moving on but then my daughter says she wants him to admit to it. I couldn’t do anything but to text her that he always denied it, but that my sister admitted to it and asked for forgiveness and it is what it is. Who knows who is telling the truth? She then texted me he admitted to it. There was a very uncomfortable closure to this. He admitted. He never admitted easily. His firstish affair with a best friend five years before my sister took me forever to find it out and finally he did because he had no choice. I had all the proof. This one I had proof too. Not as significant but enough for my parents to understand my dilemma and it was good enough for me. But this was years ago and I don’t want to bring all this shit up into the fan again for it to fly. My family has been through enough. So why is my daughter so angry that she tells me she was in hospital (because her father didn’t tell me and I am after all her mother, not the one he is living with who is with him for his money), and why bring up what we have closed the doors on other than her needing closure for him to actually admit to this face to face with her?
I am confused, upset, I can’t say angry, but disappointed and want to take my stick and find that piñata I want to hit, but he has always been good at hiding behind his cold exterior. Wait… Pinata!! cold, hard… lol.
I don’t what to do. Dad said to face the devil father face to face and ask how he thinks he is so much more the parent that I am left in the dark like a mushroom. But I am a whimp. I cowarded to him my whole life with him of 22 years of knowing him and 15 of married. So how do I stand up to Galiath? I don’t feel like a David. I can imagine going up against him, but actions are different then imagination. I don’t want to know about his dirty life anymore or why my daughter ends up in a hospital for a month. I would not have let that happen. But he took her from me like he did my boys.
I write to make me feel well. I can’t imagine how my children are trying to deal with that Galiath. He is formidable and gives and provides with monetary, but he doesn’t know the heart. Never did. His needs always came before others. But when he did give it was to make sure it was reflected on him. Jewellery, education that HE paid for, home, furniture, beautiful little lady on his side that just shut up for him to speak.
I don’t hate him, I feel sorry for him.
May he learn the lesson… and it is now in my heart to ask… do I let him keep learning the lesson or do I go and fight for my right to be part of his lesson?
I love my children, but he has built a wall… I can sit back and see if my children choose to break it down, or I can storm through it.
Which one?
Sleep over means thinking… and coming back to edit this I have chosen to let things slide. I have to let things take their course. Although in my head I can have thoughts of revenge, I can never follow through… thoughts of fighting, but cannot follow through. I am so happy in my life now I don’t want anymore. I have had enough.
Maybe one of my sons will be that David that sets Goliath right. But I am not David. I am a lamb. And I like me that way. And I like who I have become. That my children miss this part of me because they want to ignore me is okay. My eldest still is special in that he goes out of his way to see me, but my other ones, it’s their choice. I now know how my mother felt. In time you will learn what I went through…. so I will let things take their course and believe God knows best. Let it be. In His hands all is best. Afterall, I still have not gone back to bulimia, and I am feeling stronger every year that I don’t turn to it… but more to Him. He is perfectly perfect for me. I love you God. Thank you.
And believe me I am not a bible thumper, or a religious freak. I just … believe. 🙂 Mustard seed.
In my last post I spoke to my visit with my daughter. She is majoring in psychology, go figure. Although suffering similar mental health issues, such as depression, as I do, she is much wiser in her attitude towards mental health. She has accepted the fact that it is a disease you did not create, and that there are solutions better than emotional outbursts.
One thing I do know is I am better one on one. A party of three can make me feel left out and then I want to isolate myself. I had brought along my surrogate daughter and the two were connecting in a way I could not. I was frustrated watching a movie while they continually texted and snap chatted. I didn’t feel it was time spent properly. Even more so was if I asked a question about the movie they were too involved with their technology that they wouldn’t hear me, or if I laughed I laughed alone because they weren’t watching.
Then I realized I was like that too when I was younger. I remember my ex complaining that I spent too much time on the computer and or getting up and doing things in between a movie because I couldn’t sit still. I was pre-ADHD diagnosis. Or OCD. Yet to this day I hate those labels. I preferred to think I was an over achiever, a perfectionist in some aspects. But for the most part I was either trying to prove myself or simply lose myself in either technology or if I wanted to slow down, my bulimia. I could actually sit through a movie then only if I could munch through it then get rid of the munchies after the movie. Then I was tired enough from my episode to sleep. But sometimes I would wake a couple of hours later wanting to eat again but needed to do something while I did and I would combine technology and eating hidden away in the basement alone. I wanted to be alone.
Strange thing is I still love to be alone with my dogs. Maybe I was a forced extravert in the mind of an introvert. Or maybe, just maybe, I need a balance to be healthy.
I wore flat shoes today at work, and felt happy. Okay, that is random, but I wonder if that is too something I need to realize. That flats make me happy. I actually felt like dancing! :). Best day at work ever and my colleagues even noticed.
Was it my need to get away combined with having seen my beautiful daughter who helped me put things in perspective? Was it my prayer to God and Jesus for peace and strength? Was it my writing my feelings? Was it all the above to make this day so fun? Even through adversity?
Really? I don’t know, but I hope the words that flowed through my head today – forgive yourself, don’t think about the past or the mistakes you make or the worry of what others are saying about you, just wake up and believe today will be good, and something in the day will be good and focus on that, and end each day thanking God for my three children, three dogs, two cats, my smile, my ability to laugh and go to bed praying for nice dreams and a good night sleep. 😉
Little surprises, like this opossum my dad found in his tree that he was going to cut branches off of but changed his mind when the face looked at him, are moments most cherished. Little surprises that can change your outlook on life.
I have felt old and ugly and stupid for too long. I have listened to the insults and soaked them in like a sponge. No more. No more. Time to focus on little surprises. 🙂
I was amazed. Joan Rivers at 74 saying she was bulimic 20 years ago. That would make her 54. And she said she loved it because it gave her control over something when 
everything in her world seemed uncontrollable. Wow. How many can admit to that. She also said she is no longer, but says she misses it. I don’t. I have to admit at 50 that working out and making sure I eat right is always something I think about, but lately it’s weird. I ate a whole Big Mac the other day and it was okay. I made fries last night and ate them and it was okay! I have my odd cravings for “trigger” foods, but they don’t trigger anything anymore. Sounds like Joan Rivers has come to this point too because her daughter said she puts whipping cream on everything and so too ketchup. Is this freedom from the eating disorder? I think it is. I like the fact that I let myself even eat chocolate covered almonds again, but enjoy them rather than see them as a need to eat comfort and throw it up. It’s a treat. I can even eat just three and think… okay… enough. I don’t feel like anymore. 🙂 Life is turning out to be quite fine. I’m realizing that as long as I keep active, mentally and physically, and spiritually, all is good. Do I have regrets for my past? Not really. At this point in my life I am just more concerned about uncertainties due to losing all material possessions and wondering at 50 where I’m going to go from here. But when those feelings of uncertainty hit me, I think of happy thoughts. Then I know that there are more of those to come. So I started writing a movie script. And it has to do with all the fun in life mixed with some strange things I went through. No bulimia involved, just happy thoughts. It’s my new food. In the interim, I am 50 and need to learn to deal with the gravity that life is handing me. I’m accepting it slowly but surely. My only problem now is learning that my head is too small for my growing aging body. But I’m sure in time, that too will be something I accept. 🙂
It’s always nice when you call you parents to ask them a question that was about good times and nostalgia and end up getting the “talk”. My son went to see my parents today. I haven’t seen him in a couple of months. He told my mother that he hates that I live in a “dump” while his father is looking at a $2 million home. Personally I don’t care and I don’t think my place is a dump. Small? Yes, but I remember the fun times I had in my little fort when I was a kid in the crawl space. No one knew about it for quite some time and I enjoyed going there to sit and listen to music. My little sister ended up being invited, but she also ratted me out, and when mom found out she asked if I was hiding boys down there. LOL. Ya right. I was 13 years old and really how was I going to sneak them by the most intuitive person I have ever known in my life?
So this little cubby place I live in suits me fine. It’s a roof over my head, affordable, pet friendly, keeps me busy, nice sunny kitchen, warm cuddly bed and silence. Silence and away from the world I choose to be away from. Judgement, hatred, crime, anger. Here it’s fun, happiness, quiet and I bake, cook and clean for me. I miss my children, but if they feel I’m an embarrassment to them, then so be it. They need not come by to see me, visit me. I’m just their mother. I’m just the one that was there for their first 13 years trying to teach them the value of life, not money. The sun is shining, I have a smile on my face and animals that love me no matter what. I’m happy. My mental state is getting better and this is what I need right now. Yes. I use I alot, and me alot, because for years it was always about them. Husband, children, friends, family. Always about them, not me. So it’s me time now. I have the right and the choice. Mental health. It’s what I need and what I am getting. Here. Alone, but not lonely. Me, myself and I. I have learned to love myself, not always defend myself, but I know that I am there for me until I die. Just me. No one else. And so, to ME my best friend, I say, who cares what anyone else thinks. If “we” are happy, that’s all that matters in life.
Maybe I’m living my character “Hampy”‘s life. You can find the book on Amazon.com. It’s about me. Look up Hampy. He’s a cute distorted guy with a hump on his back. But he left the world to hide away and it made him happy. So hump and happy made for Hampy. He’s so much of me. And to this I end this blog.
BullimiAddict 