I believe I wrote about this before. Today I realized my roller coaster was a happy one. Strangely, my friend and I spoke to rollercoasters and I told him that my life was a turmoil these days. Being kicked out of a place I thought was my “haven” in the best way I could think in my last 8 years.
Then I wrote my last post. I cried. I spoke to my daughter.
I released a pain. And then suddenly the rollercoaster of pain and happiness became real and it wasn’t so bad.
Then another truly dear friend wrote to me about my post on Facebook and said he was happy I was thinking positive. Truth? I wasn’t really at that moment truly feeling it, I just wrote what I wanted to feel. Now I am.
I see in my future a Winnebago with my dogs and cats and just being free. I am selling everything like my last mentioned friend chose to and I am in a position that I kind of have to. It is synchronicity? My friend and I went through our 501 course together because I reached out to him to be there and he needed me too. Then he tells me he is selling everything and moving to Europe or somewhere. Then I am evicted around the same time and I can’t bring everything that I own with me, so selling everything but my pets.
Then suddenly my anxiety, fears and wondering why kind of came together and said “Doc? Are you serious?”
Doc was Charles’ and my mentor, teacher, and dear friend. He passed away last month. He asked me to take care of Charles, however I think Charles making the decision he did is suddenly telling me that what is happening to me is not coincidence. Our Angel.
So I started to have fun thinking… Maybe, just maybe Doc is leading both his “disciples” literally as a teacher, to where we need to be.
Peace. I have chased “peace” for so long. And interestingly enough as a guest on the podcast with Lisa Arnold on “How do You Want To be Seen?” I answered that question as “at peace”.
So here I was fighting these thoughts of anger for the betrayal of my landlady, and tonight I thought more about the vision. Why is this happening? What is the purpose?
I actually feel, after my last post and saying what was in my heart that I didn’t release fully before, and by writing it out did, then my eyes opened.
I do want to help those struggling with bulimia. It’s my calling. However, my calling is also to give up my possessions again. It happened 20 years ago and again 10 years ago, and I gave up almost all of them, then built my space up again, and now that my house is full again, I am in a position I have to let go again.
I found this interesting. Even more so because everyone is saying it is healthy to “purge”.
I chuckle at that. At one time in my life it wasn’t. Because I binged and purged. This time it feels good. I am purging my past by letting go of the things even when I had to downsize that I held onto. My wedding photos, my family portraits buried in the back storage space, my favorite gifts from my ex husband and ex boyfriend that I still held onto.
I will find storage though to keep the full sized paintings of my 3 children that I painted of them at ages 8, 9 and 13. I will leave a key for them to find them.
I recovered from bulimia, but not my past in total. I still held guilt and shame. I thought that by keeping memorabilia of my children that they can look at one day and choose to keep and reminisce over would make me be a better mother. Even if my sons didn’t see me until I died, they would see how much I loved them by going through my stuff and seeing all the pictures and the childhood toys I still held on to.
I realized none of that matters. It did at the onset of my separation and divorce. My ex cleared all the walls. So when my children came to see me, with my walls filled with pictures of them and too the fridge, they made mention and it made them comfortable in a way.
No, I am not discarding their stuff. I will have it in storage somewhere where when I leave them they can find it and choose whether to keep the stuff or not. Small storage unit. Like safety deposit box without the actual gold in it. Just memories.
I don’t need them for ME anymore. My memories are solid in my brain files.
I have been holding on too long to everything. Family, guilt, shame, pain, betrayal, you name it.
Time to move on. Purging is a good thing, when you let the “stuff” that you “binged” on that filled your surroundings. Not food. The stuff that you look at that triggers negative or painful emotions. Previously it triggered my bulimia. Then later it triggered emotions. Negative emotions. Like recovering from bulimia, and your last purge, so too with all that too close the final gate. The only way to do that is the final purge of the “stuff” (no longer food – STUFF) that cause emotional triggers, and replace them with a new life.
It took me a long time to realize that even if I was recovered from bulimia, I still wasn’t fully recovered from my emotional triggers.
Today my fun rollercoaster sent me the message. Better to have fun on it and feel the up and downs with the butterflies like a child then listen to how adults refer to it.
Feel the butterflies. It’s okay not to lose the child in you! Never let anyone tell you to “adult”. You will when you need to, but when you don’t? THEN DON’T. 🙂
This is to my baby LaurieAnn. You believed in me when I was a child. I owe you to be happy and proud of who we became together. And I know baby LaurieAnn would never let go of the childlike beauty in her soul.
Bulimia and over doing to prove to others may have squelched it for a few years. It won’t in this last quarter of our lives, Baby LaurieAnn. This is a BIG promise and I will do my best to keep it.
Time to enjoy our last rollercoaster ride together baby LaurieAnn. Oh and 9 year old LaurieAnn, join the fun with us too please!! I know you need this!! 🙂