I’ve Got Everything I Need And Nothing That I Don’t

It wasn’t like this in my life always… but in this song now it is.  Although I don’t have a good looking man around me, I do have everything I need and nothing that I don’t… wait … maybe still some things I don’t need.. but those are things I will in time dispose of.  But I shedded from more square footage than most would dream… 7,000 sq. ft  to 450 square feet… with every thing I need and nothing I don’t.  Home grown. Home. Releasing is everything.  Letting go.  And finding.. who you are.  This after releasing takes time.  Healing takes time.  But being able to talk now to my parents about my experience about bulimia now openly is so freeing.  So… there are two songs here that I want to share.  Enjoy!! Dance and sing and know… less is best.. and believe in yourself. I am homegrown and love my parents for that!  Easy?  No… worth it?  YES!!

I’ve Got Everything I Need And Nothing That I Don’t

Feel so good song!!!

Chicken Fried

ENJOY… to simple life and loving getting older and learning how to feel younger.  To young ones out there.. hope you learn to be opposite to me!  But regardless there are no regrets.  My precious lesson was to realize?  I can be as young as I want and as beautiful as long as it starts in humour, love for me and great surroundings… POSITIVE!! 🙂  And most of all thank God for all His support and answers to my prayers. 🙂

12 People With Eating Disorders Share The Skeletons In Their Closet

This is painful to read and see. If I won the lotto my dream would be to rescue and teach the process even if I have no certificate. Just experience and heard the magical words that healed me.  It’s weird that the lovely lady who posted this original calls herself Fat Ballerina. Brings me back to my past.  I always wanted to be a ballerina.  I loved ballet.  As a child I wanted to be a performer of some sort.  Acting, dancing, ballet, were what I loved.  I wasn’t  “ham”. I just loved the performance.  Maybe because my father was an Opera singer that went into Operetta’s in our upbringing and I loved watching him on stage as a child and fascinated by the props my mom created.  But when it came to wanting to dance as a ballet dancer I was told I was too big and too tall.  At 21 I went for modelling, figuring there may be something there in walking down the runway with a swagger, kind of like a dance.  But at 118 lbs and 5’9″ I was too fat.  Too fat.  Again.  LOL Oh my Lord where did this silly world go to.  I am loving this new lady with hips and extra cellulite loving her body.  Sorry her name escapes me right now, but she is beautiful and bold.

For 52 years old, I am fit, and “slim” and still dance, no matter what.  I dance alone or with whoever will dance with me if I go out which I don’t often.  So ballerina or not.  Performer or not. In my tiny house, I can be whoever I want.  Jazz ballet dancer, ballroom dancer, ballerina even.  And I dance like no one is watching.  But I also dance when I do get out like no one is watching and I am all that I dreamt of being and now retired and just dance for the love of it.  If that makes any sense.

I don’t want to be skinny anymore like I did when I was in m 20’s just because they told you you had to be.  I don’t want to be perfect anymore like it was suppose to be the way you were suppose to be.  I don’t want to impress anyone but myself now with what I choose to impress myself with!! It’s my time.  But it should have been from the start.  And it should be for all young women and men from the start.  Impress yourself.  No one else can impress you like you can impress yourself.  And you can’t do it for anyone else.

Fun tips.  They have crazy online surveys to take.  Weird enough they are scary close.  Here are two of mine.

“You are living your own life and getting things done. You are not easily intimidated – and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence. You hold high standards for yourself and you often surprise yourself with your own strength.”

and,

“Your personality type is caring, peaceful, artistic, and calm. Only about 7% of all people have your personality, including 8% of all women and 6% of all men You are Sensing, Feeling, and Perceiving.”

The calm part is pretty real unless I am tired or stressed.

There is a balance in everything in life.  It’s the balance we need to find.  When we find it we truly find peace.  But food?  No.  Weight? No. Not in the magazine style.  In the true life style.  Yes.

Fat Ballerina

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/23/skeleton-in-the-closet-photos-eating-disorders_n_6721562.html

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I’m Not Afraid of Christmas Anymore!

What a beautiful Christmas Eve and two days to follow. No more fear of too much food!! And there was a lot! But I didn’t fear it at all.  I even took some home and enjoyed it for the last two days.  What freedom… and it made having time with my family so much more enjoyable.  This is the fourth year I have felt this way and I thank God!  But even more so thank God for my new home, my new friends.  I keep moving forward and loving every day.

I was walking my dogs and looking around at the pond, and the parks around my new surroundings… the silence, the solitude that I so love to come back to after spending beautiful time with family.  Thought… “never would have thought I would live here or be doing what I am doing in my life”… then a small voice responded “every day is a new day and never ask why… just enjoy that you are… where you are… today”.  I’ll take that Jiminy Cricket response to my question.

I went from 2400 sq ft plus a two car garage, a 4800 sq ft auto repair shop to 454 sq ft of beautiful.  No fear, no one telling me what to do and two beautiful dogs that keep me on my toes and a job that keeps me loving my repeat customers and enjoying the trip of life.

I love my family more than anything in my world… and my friends… and this freedom of low cost, no debt, no expectations from others and my bulimia gone.  What a beautiful life.  May have taken 52 years to find this… but as Jiminy Cricket said in my head… “every day is a new day and never ask why… just enjoy that you are… where you are… today”.  🙂

Words To Live By

When you look in the mirror and smile at yourself knowing full well you are your own best friend for life, your life changes. Suddenly you can see all the love and support around you and it seems like you become a magnet to great love. In the most wonderful way!

SEA’s The Day… Carpe Diem… The Enterprise Centre Oakville, 1999… Memories

Wow.  I’m living in a humble little apartment with what is left from a lesson I was teaching to others.  But in all this I love this lesson.  Carpe Diem.  I started to go to church again when I was 33.  Bruxy taught me that music was beautiful even if it was Christian.  I laughed because he said some people don’t even know the music IS Christian.  Well, I fell in love with 4HIM and Jars of Clay… but most so, this one that I am going to post below.  Canadian.. YEAH… but weirder yet during that year that this song played on my CD player I became ED of a small not for profit that helped people start their own businesses (government funded)…  All groups had to have a SEA related name.  First group that came in in 1999 (2000 grads) chose this… SEAs The Day…. I was floored and they played this song at their grad.

But there was  more to this.  I was an independent … hummm not accountant, albeit had all the abilities but the the credentials… I was suppose to be a journalist but I am good with number… oh… I digress.. so yes.  I was asked to do bookkeeping.  For three years I did until a call.  A call from the wife of my client who adored her but was my best friend.  She said “not good”.  Leukemia.  This man was not just a client he was a friend.  His name was Roger.  He showed up to my baptism… first one Bruxy did, the man who taught me about the beauty of Christian music… and how do I write this with giving honour to Roger?  Too many things to be said but in summary:

• Roger loved me no matter what
• Roger had a zest for life
• Roger told me about The Enterprise Centre
• Roger showed up believing in my baptism whilst my husband thought I was some religious freak… so not true
• Roger was weak but showed up… he was in his last days…
• Roger died a week later… but had said I was an inspiration

and to this I can only say… he first loss… and maybe a test to what would become another loss… Roger was 53… my nephew 23.

The two were two of the most beautiful people I have ever known.  But more so.  Roger warned me about my ex husband in kindness.  When I spoke about my worries he told the truth.  He told me he didn’t love me anymore from what I told him.  He was right.

In memory of Roger, when I was at The Enterprise Centre, I named a room after him and had a plaque, which I can’t find anymore from my moves… but… the room was called the Kent Room.  Roger was the first death of TEC.  And mine too.  He believed in me… and me him.  And to this day… (he died in 1997)  I still miss him so much as I do my nephew (died 2008)… both of cancer.  And both too young.

 

And to this an ode to my first group that came into the place that Roger was one of the ones that were the first to be a SEA.

 

 

 

L

My Mother Hates Me!!

I didn’t realize how much she hated me until tonight.  Maybe it was something that bothered me all this time in my life.. But tonight I heard it.  I cried like a baby.  I really did.   Almost suffocated from crying.  I don’t know.  Now I feel numb other then my son.  My sunshine.  He called me because.  Just because.  And I was crying.  I asked him “please tell me you know I loved you and your sister and younger brother ’til death do me part??”.. He said yes.  I told him I never want him to think I didn’t love them so much that I wouldn’t take a bullet for him or his sister or his younger brother or even their father (he’s a good father).  But then there was the YUCK I had to bring up.  NO.  Not bulimic.  Words.  This part is harder.  Words sometimes are harder to bring up then food. I had to speak of why I left his father.  And the harsher words were “did I do the right thing?  Or did I hurt you, Should I have toughed it out like mom did (for different reasons, BTW)?”.

He told me that my mother was a wimp.  A story I don’t want to tell, but my son made it right by me.  He said I was stronger than my mother.

That meant the world to me.  It freed me.  My son.  The one that is the best story I ever told that still holds the top ranking on this site.  And now I know why.  He deserves it.  I love you baby… you, your sister and your younger brother.. the two you helped me raise in their first years of life.  I don’t think you will ever understand how much you mean to me.  TME.  Used to sign that to your dad’s letters… I was gifted you from this marriage.  And my other two that you touched, felt, and shared in that birth.  You are special.  In ways you’ll never know but your mommy sees…. God I love you.  Now I know why when you were the smurfy blue baby that somehow you survived.  It was my gift to me when you did and He gave you back to me to help me through… life… Screw your dad for saying I gave you death when I was so happy when you born and I said we gave you life…. because… still to this day, you give ME life.  As do the other two who were born thanks to you.  YOU ARE SPECIAL.  You about life, NOT death.  Ross would attest to that.  Prop on you two!!

Plum Gurl – Found Yet Lost – How Do You Reach Them Before They Go?

Where do we find them before they go?  This is a suicide note.  This is what I pray I never see my daughter writing.  But how do you find the ones out there, the many out there, who feel this way?  The brain is killing the body that is crying out for help.  The body that is the temple of life that is screaming out to not be abused by denying it what it needs to be a real “person”, a provider of the limbs, the organs, the heart – life.  The part of the brain that has been programmed by society for the need to be thin is denying the body’s right to function properly.  Hence – this is a suicide note.  How do you find these young or older people before they go?

This post of “You Will…” was found on this link Plum Gurl.

Eating Disorders Forum – My Best Friend Is Bulimic

Eating Disorders Forum – My Best Friend Is Bulimic. – Great link to other information about eating disorders.

Where do they go when you go down?

It’s funny.  I have had great friends.  Absolutely wonderful friends.  Ones I thought would last forever… then suddenly your life flips upside down.  It’s like drowning, and during that time you are kind of drowning yourself.  You’re looking for that air, and that opening in an ice-covered water that you fell through.  You swim, you look for that hand to pull you out.  Strangely enough the hand is not that of the one or ones you thought.

Life is odd.  I always thought best friends and husbands are there because it is an “until death do you part, for better or for worse” and so on.  I could see the faltering of a marriage because I have been witness to it so many times, but I never thought it would expand to “best friend”.  I guess neither to sibling.  I guess, this world has really confused me.  Because all that I believed in was not.  Is not.

One of my best friends when I was 16 and went through the dieting bs we had to go through in our time, the packets of sugar twin hidden in our purses at school, then the learning about eating disorders, the constant talks about diets, keeping fit, and the years that passed with the same subject… is turning 50 today.  I turned 50 minus a-year in September.

We kept in touch through our marriage, were both in each other’s wedding parties, both wished each other happy birthday every year, spoke of our pregnancies and children and so on… until.  Until I left my husband.  Then suddenly it was over.  I still wish her a happy birthday every year, but nothing in return.  I suddenly felt like a leper.

Tonight I sent her another Happy Birthday wish.  She is on my FB but I will never hear from her.  Even through my most difficult times of divorce, losing my business… I never heard from her.  I did others I would never have expected.  I don’t hold it against her.  I am just flabbergasted that I grew up in a fairy tale world that continues to leave me stymied and confused and realizing that that a fairy tale is just one big lie.  That, as I keep saying, no one gave me a book on how to deal with all this, like a guide called  “How To Deal With Disappointments Regarding Fairy Tale Lies in Puberty and Adulthood”,  of how to deal with those who couldn’t reach out to you when you were drowning when you so desperately needed them to no matter how fucked up you got.  I thought unconditional was that.  That no matter, what you stay there…  a hand reach away…. NO MATTER WHAT.

I stay true to that part even though I realize some cannot grasp my fairy tale concept.  It is what I grew up on.  I loved the Princes in Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty and Snow White.  I admired Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White for their ever-loving kind ways (and loved the three fairies in Sleeping Beauty, the dwarves in Snow White and all mice and horses and all the animals in Cinderella because they were there for her no matter what).  I still believe.  Even in my lowest moments I still believe.  I believe there are kind people out there that even when you think “WTF?  This isn’t suppose to be the way all this goes” are there to tell you it’s all okay.  That everything will be okay.

It’s a weird concept to think of that now aging old adage “men may come and men may go, but friends forever stay” becomes replaced with “men and friends may come and go, but you’ll always find a place, in your heart and in your soul, remember when you take the toll, that somewhere out in there in your dreams and soul…. their hearts, their courage, their brain… will know let you know… the wisdom you gained from them will keep you sane, and you WILL find your way home.”

I have my circle of friends now, but I don’t let go of remembering the times when those “best friends” that let go were there in other times I needed them, even if they forget that I  am still there, that I, LA, will never not reach out my hand, no matter what.  That even if they didn’t reach out, I still will “till death do me part, for better or for worse”.

“Lest we forget”

Source of photo by hurtingharthurts9